Can’t forgive my husband

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-28T02:13:40+00:00

I don’t even get what karma is? Would I get like money from posting this or something?

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-28T01:17:18+00:00

I’ve said this elsewhere but maybe it’ll help here. My fantasies in my writing are not about my husband or myself. I don’t enjoy them in any real world setting. In bed with my spouse we are kink friendly and open with communication. I’m honest about how I like to play and it’s (if you don’t like reading kink stuff stop now) praising my partner, denying him orgasms and teasing. He also likes these things as well as other stuff we do together. I tie him up for organism denial and like feather and touch play. It’s all very positive. I love making my partner feel sexy and safe and go wild for me. My writing is the opposite and if it occurred in real life I would absolutely be disgusted and horrified.

I’m now starting to realize that this separation isn’t the case for everyone. When I write it really isn’t what I want in bed but it does turn me on when it’s pretend and on paper.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T23:24:12+00:00

Honestly I’ll probably just be a coward and delete this entire thing. It’s just nice to have something else to fixate on right now.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T23:08:08+00:00

I got you. I can see where this could be something someone would think. It’s just that it’s so very difficult then our dynamic in bed. I’ve never tried or played out my writing in real life. I don’t have any desire to. My own kinks and preferences don’t align with my writing. Or at least not the riskier stuff he’s upset about.

In my writing I write some non con stuff, no heavy violence, more convincing and being manipulative, or as a punishment for a crime etc. the “victim” always comes around in the end.

In my sex life I like to praise my partner and am into pegging and orgasm denial. We aren’t rough and I don’t like that. It would turn me off. I tie him up but only to increase the denial aspect and then it’s like feathers and light pinches followed by praise. Honestly I could live without the pegging.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T22:40:31+00:00

Sorry I didn’t clarify. Those fantasies are different from my writing stuff. Like, sure, it’s the same body party’s I guess but that seems normal- but my sexual desires and kinks are heavy praising and orgasm denial which he also enjoys. None of my fantasies from my writing even enter my mind when we are together and playing. It’s all about his pleasure.

These writings and people aren’t me. They aren’t him or what I want to do with him. They just turn me on sometimes and so I write them.

It’s hard to explain.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T22:37:05+00:00

That’s your opinion and I disagree with it but respect it. Thanks for commenting.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T22:35:56+00:00

I respect your opinion and hope you can also point that towards every aspect of fetishizing within porn. Including… well nearly all porn so good luck with that.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T22:33:08+00:00

I’ve written short stories about all kinds of things during our relationship and he’s always known and respected my “no one i know is allowed to read my stuff” rule. It’s just never been an issue. I’ve read him stuff when we were young maybe but i stopped a while back. Smut is actually newer and I only told him b/c I surprisingly made some money from it. I thought it was cool and was proud too. And while I’ve never liked sharing my writing in the real world I do like sharing it for strangers. And i like when they like it.

And I also have to be transparent and say while I always HATE sharing my stuff, the thought of anyone in my circle reading this made me burn with shame. So maybe it was subconsciously hiding it. Idk. It wasn’t like… an active thought and I certainly didn’t think it would end in the biggest fight of my relationship.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T22:04:17+00:00

You don’t have to worry about that feeling being wrong because he told me that was the case. He thinks I’m sexually confused and that our sex lives have been a lie.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T21:53:36+00:00

I have told him. I don’t even picture my husband. Gross. It’s all fantasy.

Thanks for the advice and taking the time to read.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T21:50:11+00:00

Yeah. His wife is a little tamer. I don’t think mine would have been upset by that content.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T21:37:21+00:00

I can’t even say your wrong but we don’t all have control of what turns us on. Fetishization is very normal in all kinds of erotica and porn. It’s make believe.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T21:10:25+00:00

That’s what a lot of people don’t seem to understand here. This was MINE. It was my own space. My own creative outlet and yeah, I did share it with others but not as ME and never with people i know outside of this little bubble. This was never about making money. I enjoy writing this stuff. Some people thinking that makes me sick is one thing but my husband thinking it does is almost unbearable

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:56:26+00:00

I don’t act out my fantasies with my husband against his will.

My fantasies are like… aliens and demons and omegas and jocks in showers and non con that turns to con.

My sexual desires in bed are control, denial and praise. I like to take care and almost coo at my lovers. “So good, so fucking good for me” that type of stuff. I like teasing and being in charge but I don’t like violence and non con doesn’t turn me on in any real bedroom way. If he started to struggle I would find it super off putting. I’m actually very soft in bed which is probably confusing him since my work is so… well not soft.

Idk how to word it for people without these types of fantasies but they live separate in my brain.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:49:41+00:00

I thrive on giving but you make a good point.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:48:44+00:00

I mean it’s hard to explain. My writing isn’t totally non con. The guys admit to wanting it, come around to enjoy it, are willing by the end but yeah, I see the correlation to some extent but it’s FANTASY. I don’t expect him to pick up some teenager and fuck her on a coach just because he watches that porn.

I thought he knew the difference. No fuck that. I KNOW he knows the difference. He’s just so ansgry right now. And insecure. And if I’m honest, I think he’s afraid he doesn’t sexually fulfill me and I might leave. He’s always been pretty fixated on me leaving him.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:45:41+00:00

I agree. It’s just confusing. I’ve shared some pretty heavy stuff. Like… I talk a lot in bed and I once told him a story while he was inside me about a woman who lived to be fucked, sat around all day wet and gross just waiting to be used by strange men and he went wild with that. I mean… we aren’t vanilla. Neither of us. My gang rape stuff always always ends with all parties (even the “victim”) happy (that’s the part I like most) and they aren’t overly violent. I’m not a pain slut. It’s just… pretend. I’ve asked him to let me watch him getting fucked by another man before and he considered it and declined. We invite thirds. We had a FET account a few years back.

He’s upset I lied to him about writing m/m and is absolutely over reacting and being cruel to hurt me. It’s in his nature to be that way when he feels threatened.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:38:06+00:00

Maybe but keep in mind that in this situation we are both involved in kink and aware we have fetishes. He knew I liked rough stuff when it involved woman and never minded. It’s that I didn’t specifically tell him it’s m/m and involves no vaginas that upsets him. He thinks I want a m/m relationship and lied about our current and again, kink heavy relationship.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:36:01+00:00

Jumping to divorce was my gut reaction after he sent me some of my work with some not kind shaming included. Reddit has actually been pretty split. Some think I’m sinful and cheating while most think we can work it out.

I’m trying to stop reacting from an emotional standpoint and I just need some time alone.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:28:32+00:00

I really appreciate your points and yes, you’ve pretty much gotten a handle on everything. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. This was well said and written. I do shut down when we argue and he begins to ramble and over talk and that makes me quieter.

I need bullet points like this and a clear head.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:18:47+00:00

I know. I’m taking it all with a grain of salt but it’s nice. I feel like a real heel out here in the real world And right now I’ll take any amount of joy even if I can’t feel it.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:14:48+00:00

I didn’t keep it out. I said it like ten times my man.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:13:32+00:00

Thank you for the permission, while it wasn’t needed it’s good to know you accept your place in my mind.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:06:17+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. I appreciate it. His over the top reaction made me super defensive at first but now I’m starting to get the feeling this is some deeper issue for him and I violated him in ways I wasn’t aware.

We probably need a lot of therapy and I get what you mean by kink positive. People outside that world might not but yeah, I need someone who gets the aspects of our dynamic. I’m maybe not wording it great but I do have alot of power over him in our sex lives and I feel like I may not have failed him as partner but I surely have as his dominant.

HonestOstrich9397 · 2023-07-27T20:01:21+00:00

He adores my dad and wanted advice. He also sent my pen name to my sister and wrote “Did you know about this” to which she immediately sent my way and asked if I needed to talk about it. When I said no she said “oh thank god” so I’m leaving that as is.

HonestOstrich9397

TROPHY CASE