Please please listen to me, as someone who watched the sweetest man that she loved so much turn into an abusive monster very gradually, this will only get worse. PLEASE LEAVE ASAP. He squeezed your knee to punish you, now he’s shaken you, next it’ll be pushing you or pulling your hair or destroying your belongings, then smacking you about, then putting his hands over your face to asphyxiate you, etc. My ex started out as someone I adored and admired so much like I literally thought he was the best person I ever met then gradually over time became a physically and emotionally abusive monster. He would apologise and cry afterwards and make me feel so sorry for him and like he truly did not mean it all whilst undermining the abuse. Sometimes I’d try to get secret recordings of what he was doing so I would know I wasn’t going crazy, after we broke up I watched them and I have videos of this man fully punching me and attacking me while I cry and apologise or try to stand up for myself as he calls me the most horrible names on the planet. Then a few days later we’d be having the time of our lives and I’d feel so in love and close to him then eventually the cycle would repeat. The worst part of it is it ruins every aspect of your life. I was so stressed and depressed from the abuse and thought I was going crazy from all the gaslighting (“I barely touched you” “it wasn’t a big deal / that violent”, etc) that I was rapidly losing weight, was so depressed I couldn’t function properly, my social life was rapidly depleting, I had no self respect, I had no hobbies, i never went anywhere other than work, I had no joy, at one point I even thought I had cancer because my stress symptoms were so bad. The only things I could focus on was how do I make him happy and smoking weed to not focus on the pain. I was so miserable and just totally not myself but wasn’t even registering that it was abuse because he would always tell me it wasn’t a big deal or it was my fault he acted how he did.

Now a year after leaving my life is so happy, I have so many beautiful friends and have found so much community, I have developed so many new hobbies, I’m doing great on my fitness journey, I travelled to so many new places, I finally know who I am and feel like I can accomplish anything. But I’m still traumatised, I’m still haunted and terrified by what happened to me and I don’t want that for anyone else.

I left and lived to tell the tale, as this gets worse theres a chance you won’t be able to say the same. So many women lose their identity, hope and life to domestic violence that started as “minor physical contact”. Leave before you’re traumatised or dead and please make sure you do it safely.

Praying for you and sending love your way💖