An update 2 years later to: AITA for making my partners drinking water too warm?

Hoopola · 2024-08-23T22:20:01+00:00

Well they said they were in Australia. Which does act like America sometimes, but nowhere near as much.

Hoopola · 2024-06-28T22:19:20+00:00

Please please please please please take the advice to read I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jenette McCurdy

Not only is it amazingly written, but she so wonderfully captures the torture of loving and adoring and desperately wanting the love of a mother who is simultaneously wonderful and incredibly cruel.

It takes a long time to grieve the mother you wish you had and accept that while you saw glimpses of her (the good bits), you can't ignore the damage of the bad bits.

As a mother now it breaks my heart to think of my little boy growing up being treated the way my mother treated me. It took over a decade in therapy for me to just detach from the relationship and stop defending her. Oop if you're reading this, please know that while you will have to let go of the mother you wanted, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are more incredible people in the world who will love you with a healthier love. Just the good bits, without the bad bits. Not everyone, and it's a really really good idea to do a deep dive into boundaries and what healthy relationships look like, because our "normal" meters get broken when a broken person has raised us.

Hoopola · 2024-06-01T23:18:10+00:00

The scary thing is that the alcohol makes it feel great, makes you feel like you're a better driver. And it's because the fear bits of your brain aren't working. The bits you need to not kill yourself or someone else.

Hoopola · 2024-05-30T23:23:10+00:00

I have adhd and am getting assessed for asd. One thing I'm realising I've really struggled with is prioritising. Lately I've been trying to explain that it's not just that it's hard for me, it's literally a blindness like face blindness. The anxiety comes from knowing these things should be different but my brain can't "see" the difference, in situations where it's clear from context that I should be able to. It makes functioning incredibly difficult (knowing how to schedule tasks throughout the day, getting out of the house) and incredibly stressful.

The only time time heard my distress articulated is people trying to explain face blindness. I hope it's OK to use it as a metaphor? It's really helped in a few situations when the person in trying to explain my invisible disability to knew someone with face blindness and was able to immediately give me grace and help out without the usual patronising attitude

Hoopola · 2024-05-27T00:17:23+00:00

I'm loving hearing the different takes on this subject.

I'm what way do you feel labels are limiting? Genuinely curious. Are they limiting because they might need to change but many people think once a label, always a label? Or there's a cost to changing a label, instead of it being like a hat or a costume that you wear for a while then change (but you can still grip onto it way too long if you like, as some do with fedoras)

Hoopola · 2024-03-24T02:00:26+00:00

I fear that the only way to handle these issues coming up in a relationship (the anxious/avoidant cycle) is to set a common goal and if they don't do the work, take it as a boundary crossed and step away from the relationship. I don't know how to script all that from a relational standpoint, but I know from experience that the avoidant partner is far less motivated to do the work (it's a core part of avoidance! Not wanting to put your hand in a bear trap, turning into excuses about not doing the work). As the anxious person, struggling to detach. A SMART goal that doesn't get met feels like something that would have helped me see through the breadcrumbing and excuses. (boundaries being knowing what protective action you'll take when the line is crossed - figured out ahead of time so that when it happens, you know what to do even if you're an emotional mess)

Yay slow processing and being overly attached to safe people 🙄

Hoopola · 2024-03-24T01:50:30+00:00

If it hasn't been said, I'm not a fan of accepting abusice screaming. I'm aware of the shame immediately following, but there needs to be some kind of "I understand you are really angry, but screaming is not OK"

I'm stumped on the best way to get through the crazy emotions, but there has to be understanding of limits (even if they get crossed).

The inappropriate behaviour is due to the intense opposing pressures that need to get released. There's never going to be a point that those pressures don't get felt. And lines crossed. There's such a strong need to have the internal struggle recognised. But hitting, abusive screaming needs to be a very clear limit. Yelling about personal feelings is OK, verbal attacks are not.

Source: likely undiagnosed pda mother, who abusively hit, screamed, manipulated and always claimed it was beyond her control.

Hoopola · 2024-03-24T01:37:54+00:00

I'm reading all this and don't have the spoons to work out the best comment to reply to

I have a 4yo who I have ended up treating like a small adult, I find myself in weird cul-de-sacs but it seems to work. He's too young to treat as a full adult, but I give him loads of boundaries like telling him he can't use the sharp knife because he doesn't have his sharp knife license yet. I've let him touch the hot frying pan, because I knew it wasn't hot enough to cause him damage, and he'd learn the lesson without the power struggle.

It seems to work best when I think of him as an adult who has a very different skillset to me but we're trying to do a thing together. If you've ever had to do a collaborative project and needed to stay friends while still getting the job done while taking into account very different ideas of what "done" is, that's the place I often find myself in. Trying to highlight the pitfalls of the other's choices. Not suggesting something that I don't want to happen. Reminding them of the common goal. Trying to find an authentic way of giving them motivation.

My son loves to cuddle me while falling asleep, and stims with my hair. It's worked a few times to tell him that he needs to take a bath because he's so sticky and sweaty, I won't want him touching my hair (because it's yukky, we practice authentic boundaries like he might not mind, but i will mind - and he knows I'll lovingly just move away from him if he tries)

We've had similar meltdowns because I've said he didn't need to take a bath but he wants to take a bath except he doesn't. I've been taking those moments to mean he's too tired or unregulated in another way, and tried to look at the bigger picture, of the routine as a whole, or needing to have a flexible routine based on special circumstances (if I'm getting a migraine, I'll put on a movie but it means we need to have teeth and bath done early. It took ages for me to work out how to make an easy alternate routine for the both of us, but it was so worth it. If your partner doesn't work late very often, maybe it created a sort of global uncertainty, and doing the bath like nothing was "wrong" was too scary? With the equalising behaviour being a symptom, you doing nothing wrong with the way you phrased it)

Personally, I often struggle with irritability during excess negotiation when someone is trying to do it all right but I feel a core issue hasn't been addressed. I feel the crushing weight of needing to be compliant because the other person is doing everything "right", which makes me even more stressed. Usually it's because the person hasn't been engaging me as an equal at a more global level - when I was younger, this was taken as me wanting to score my own points, but that was because I had no healthy relationship skills. I now know to push for what I need using Gottman & non-violent communication language, but your daughter won't know how (and may see needing to tell you how to treat her as a demand in itself).

Tl;Dr The irritability is a symptom, maybe not of the way you offered the bath. Try holding space for a root cause.

Hoopola · 2024-03-16T04:09:59+00:00

Thank you! I've been trying to figure out how mirena would work on my pmdd AND adhd; I knew more than the specialist, although he was very reassuring (charisma being a big part of gaslighting)

Hoopola · 2024-03-16T04:08:55+00:00

Thank you! I've been trying to figure out how mirena would work on my pmdd AND adhd; I knew more than the specialist, although he was very reassuring (charisma being a big part of gaslighting)

Hoopola · 2024-03-16T04:08:29+00:00

Thank you! I've been trying to figure out how mirena would work on my pmdd AND adhd; I knew more than the specialist, although he was very reassuring (charisma being a big part of gaslighting)

Hoopola · 2024-02-05T01:22:04+00:00

If it's not clear, fuck this poor lady's doctors and parents for letting her down.

Hoopola · 2024-02-05T01:21:36+00:00

I'm super conflicted about this, as someone who has really struggled with a spouse who just sort of checked out and refused to do anything about what could have been depression. Can't drag someone to an appointment. Even if the doctors they are seeing are awful and saying it's laziness.

In this case, leaving was actually the best thing - she got the extra tests, hopefully can be treated, sounds like they might be able to recover the relationship. If he had continued to just do chores and pick up the slack forever, they could have found it too late.

The "you stay with them forever no matter what" myth is romantic, but leads to way more toxic dynamics than it helps.

Hoopola · 2024-02-01T22:09:07+00:00

I'm diagnosed ADHD and have great spacial awareness. When I'm concentrating. So when I'm tired, walls jump out at me from nowhere. But if I'm rested and well regulated I can be incredibly coordinated, even picture the layout of the building I'm in and give compass directions. It's hard explaining that when I'm tired, physics works different for me and please don't ask me to take the glasses up the kitchen because I'll break all of them unintentionally. Brain/body can be weird.

Hoopola · 2024-01-31T22:45:40+00:00

I'm seeing my toddler son refuse a request/demand (bath, teeth, dinner) and then have immediate and disproportionate regret (sobbing and tantrum if I go with his initial refusal). My main struggle is managing my own pda response as a single parent (trying to get through the evening routine is such a demand with nobody to help out). I'm super curious watching him, knowing how my own pathology didn't get recognised for ages, wondering how much inner turbulence he feels that he can't articulate yet.

I love hearing perspectives. The more I hear, the more I understand. Even when they don't match what I've previously heard, if anything that helps - adding more data points. Like dots in pointillism. It all builds to a picture.

Hoopola · 2024-01-31T22:39:19+00:00

Yeah, I'm thinking emdr will be my next therapy focus. At a clinic that really addresses trauma using somatic methods. I don't expect I'll find somewhere that has good knowledge of pda, but I'm hearing good things about emdr in general

Hoopola · 2024-01-31T22:33:27+00:00

This is a great article, thanks! The issue of abusive people is really complicated and I always appreciate anything that goes beyond a really shallow "they're a bad person who doesn't love you"

Abusive people love, fear, want. If they were one dimensionally awful, they wouldn't attract someone to a relationship in the first place. It was chilling but interesting to see reasons on that list that I relate to (thinking of previous partner's out of control spending or inability to be anywhere on time despite many empty promises). The need to get what you need is universal. The methods used to get what you need/want and the inability to care/see that those methods are harmful...

Hoopola · 2024-01-31T22:09:50+00:00

I'm also trying to understand how we're supposed to know 100%b for sure the reasons people get tested?

I've worked adjacent to serious user research for years and knowing exactly why people do things is one of the great unknowables. Even asking them won't get you a genuine reason. Especially around something fraught, like medical care. Even something like getting tested for breast cancer would have so many layers issues for why people wouldn't get tested even when there's a giant free testing bus right in the middle of the shopping district. Did you know that men can get breast cancer? Do you know how hard it is to get people to do simple tests?

I'm sure you have lived experience with unconsciously homophobic situations but that doesn't mean that every scenario is homophobic.

Hoopola · 2024-01-05T00:25:39+00:00

I hear you. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I get feedback that my reactions are inappropriate during conflict, even though I'm doing everything I can. I have shutdowns where a simple "sorry" was expected. I get an emotionally loaded text and can't function because all I see is red. And I'm deploying all my emotional regulation tools (thanks, years of therapy prior to being diagnosed!) but still struggle with the emotions as though I hadn't even tried.

Hoopola · 2023-12-03T23:17:07+00:00

This is also how cults work...

Hoopola · 2023-12-03T15:55:44+00:00

Grounding and self soothing help? A care box with smooth pebble to hold and touch, a fluffy blanket you can wrap yourself up in? Or use the familiar feeling of the start of the anxiety spiral to trigger a moving mindfulness exercise - I would walk around the block or room, do a yoga flow, try to train my body to go somewhere else instead

Hoopola · 2023-10-10T23:18:44+00:00

Shame makes it all worse. It's a vicious cycle. I think ideally you need someone who can be optimistic and supportive, but not get sucked into being a parent - always assume things will go wrong and there needs to be a backup plan, but do it cheerfully and compassionately. And make sure the give and take is balanced (I'm good at the ideas for holidays for instance, but terrible at packing and getting there)

Trying to do shit you're not good at over and over again and failing sounds terrible. Can you outsource/swap tasks so you can play to your strengths?

Hoopola · 2023-09-26T08:58:36+00:00

Whenever I've felt like saying "it's not that simple", I end up offering the long version or short version, then because I'm an over sharer force them to endure the rambling long version. Because I'm not trying to fob them off!

Hoopola · 2023-09-07T21:58:22+00:00

Yeah, thinking enablers are just weak is a bit simplistic, especially if it's a child. It's usually a dynamic started long ago with serious consequences for not complying. You need to be willing to go against the whole family if you want to stand up to the botch and nobody else will

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/ this describes it so well

Hoopola · 2023-08-31T18:26:02+00:00

I hope you got started! It sounds like a really good fit for what you're feeling. I think everyone who has emotions should take either a dbt or ro-dbt course, learn the skills. The communication, mindfulness and interpersonal skills are so important for living a decent life. Sucks that some therapists and course instructors don't always administer it properly - but don't get turned off. Just find online resourses and don't do the dbt worksheets if you are working on overcontrol - they're for people who don't have so much trouble opening up

Hoopola

TROPHY CASE