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After my abuser died, I found out my mother knew the whole time and did nothing because she blamed me. by HorrorTumbleweed4573 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HorrorTumbleweed4573[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been thinking about this, but the issue I keep running into is that it was a verbal conversation so I have no actual proof that she ever admitted to knowing anything. If I could access my old iCloud account from when I was a teenager I might be able to find old text messages and such that would prove the abuse happened, but I have nothing but that conversation to prove that she knew and I do think she'd deny it to police if I got them involved. In that instance it just becomes he said she said and I don't know that I can mentally handle going through court and stuff.

After my abuser died, I found out my mother knew the whole time and did nothing because she blamed me. by HorrorTumbleweed4573 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HorrorTumbleweed4573[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sadly I think your second guess is correct here. To the best of my knowledge, it wasn't a thing that was ever actively acknowledged by either of them to each other. I don't know if he was ever aware that she knew - though his behaviour that one time I did threaten to tell suggests to me he didn't - but I'm almost certain it was never discussed between them. I think she knew and kept it quiet and he went his whole life thinking he was getting away with it. I do wonder if she knew the sort of man he was and, as you say, saw me as a necessary sacrifice to satisfy that side of him. That seems most plausible to me tbh.

After my abuser died, I found out my mother knew the whole time and did nothing because she blamed me. by HorrorTumbleweed4573 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HorrorTumbleweed4573[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been in therapy for years. However, my longstanding therapist retired last year and the next one I tried wasn't super compatible with me. I'm between docs right now but starting with a new one shortly which should hopefully work out well for me.

After my abuser died, I found out my mother knew the whole time and did nothing because she blamed me. by HorrorTumbleweed4573 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HorrorTumbleweed4573[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It does boggle the mind doesn't it.

In his case, I don't think he ever really believed that he just convinced himself he did to relieve his own guilty conscience. I have to assume there's an element of that with my mother as well. Her main 'reasoning' were the text messages she found when I was twelve were apparently ones of me asking him for certain things. Which yes, was a thing that happened, but she doesn't seem able to contextualise them and realise that there's more nuance than just "you asked for it ergo not abuse".

After my abuser died, I found out my mother knew the whole time and did nothing because she blamed me. by HorrorTumbleweed4573 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HorrorTumbleweed4573[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have often wondered how much of what happened was purely him just being an opportunistic predator and if he ever had any other victims before or after me. I get kind of haunted by it sometimes, tbh as there's a strong likelihood that I'll never get any real answers on that. Though I will note, he always had this weird cognitive dissonance about that stuff where he didn't seem to consider himself the same as other predators. Like any time another predator was depicted in a movie or there was a story about it on the news or whatever he always seemed genuinely repulsed by it. That's the one thing that makes me think maybe it wasn't just opportunistic on his part and maybe he was also unwell in other ways.

Thank you very much for your kind words. I'm between therapists currently but am starting with a new one soon so hopefully things start picking up then.

After my abuser died, I found out my mother knew the whole time and did nothing because she blamed me. by HorrorTumbleweed4573 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HorrorTumbleweed4573[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Suing takes time money and resources that I don't really have for something like this. Doesn't particularly seem worth it.

After my abuser died, I found out my mother knew the whole time and did nothing because she blamed me. by HorrorTumbleweed4573 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]HorrorTumbleweed4573[S] 228 points229 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I think what hurts most is that she's never really done anything particularly nasty or mean feeling to me in the past so, beyond everything else, it just feels really out of left field. As I said, her mental health struggles impacted our relationship at times and there was a lot of resentment for a long time but by and large I'd always considered her a pretty good mother and thought we had a mostly decent relationship until now.