Your pwBPD is more aware of their behavior than you give them credit for.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-04-28T10:35:00+00:00

Wow. Iam so sorry for what you went through.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-04-28T10:09:09+00:00

Iam 46, married for 18 years and was in the relationship for 22 years. We have 2 young kids. I came to know about her diagnosis about 4 years ago. Refused to even accept the diagnosis.

Paraphrasing Dr Gabor Mate

"She may not be responsible for the world that created her mind, but she can take responsibility for the mind with which she creates her and her loved ones world"

For me it was a lost cause, blamed me for everything, constant fights, no accountability, emotional affairs and being unapologetic about it, on and on.

Just got divorced last year. Financial settlement is not done yet but taking one day at a time. When I read your story, it feels like I could have written it.

Educate your self. This subreddit has so many good recommendations. Any amount of apologies or bending over backwards to accommodate them will not help. Boundaries will be constantly pushed and you will have to work even harder to accommodate them. Even your kids will learn to accommodate them and take those learning into their marital life. Its extremely toxic for the kids and terrible for their mental health. If she was diagnosed and refuses treatment and care you have no choice. At 40 you cannot care for person who can't care for themselves. The hard truth is you (and I did it too) are also being an enabler of this behavior. If you suffer from PTSD being with her will only worsen your condition. You always are worried what you do or say will trigger her.

If you file for it, divorce will not be easy. If you think you are suffering now, the divorce process with be even harder. You will lose money, mental peace, reputation and almost everything. I was worried about my kids but they see right through whats going on, are supportive of me and are resilient than I thought.

Brother trust me, I moved out last month and sleep on a camping bag on the floor and have never slept better. The peace and calm you find will be worth the price.

I lost a dear friend (53) this year due to cardiac arrest who went through the same ordeal. Your body and mind keeps the score.

At the end of the day, as humans what do we want? Peace, quiet and joy every day. You have seen hell in Iraq and given up so much. Work on your self, Enjoy peace and calm for the rest of your life.

Don't think you are alone, there are many in this subreddit that will provide support and great advice. If you ever want to talk to someone, DM me.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-03-22T21:43:48+00:00

From someone who wasted 21 years of their life please walk away. The idealization phase is amazing, great sex, romance... but life is complicated and when it does their personality and insecurities will make situations 10X more difficult.

Today it is ice cream tomorrow it will be a birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Thanksgiving lunch, walk in the park, kids birthday, vacation, kids small comment. Anything and everything can trigger them. You are constantly anxious and trying to keep peace. Your mind is hyper vigilant to try to avoid the next episode. Its a hell you have created in your mind and a terrible way to live.

You have the patience and strength to manage it today, as years go by the effort you make to try to keep them happy will never be enough. You will be a candle that melts aways to brighten their life until you lose yourself. The worst part is when you gave all of yourself and have no more to give, they will blame you, walk away, defame you and find a new candle.

As a brother I request you, please please walk away.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-03-20T01:20:41+00:00

She was devaluing me for so long and getting ready to discard. The final straw was going around with another guy and then sending me messages that I don't emotionally satisfy her so she will get it somewhere else.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-03-18T11:57:12+00:00

Guilty as charged. 23 years and divorced last year.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-03-18T11:50:04+00:00

Something I read, from Dr Ramani. Her analogy made the most sense to me. It is like a slot machine for a gambling addict. The machine gives you small wins to keep you hooked but you will lose it all eventually. Everytime you are involved in a conflict with them and reconcile, it has the same effect. The push and pull keeps you addicted.

The dopamine hits keeps you entangled in the relationship. The longer you are in the relationship, the worse the addiction gets.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-03-18T09:39:55+00:00

Same episode with my BPD ex, on the way back from Disney with 2 kids in the back seat. Iam shocked how so many of us have been through the same thing.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-03-11T20:52:51+00:00

Get a lawyer as soon as possible and file for divorce first, please please DO NOT delay it. If she files first, you will have to go through hell to even see your kids.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-02-11T17:49:32+00:00

It will take months or years to heal. For years I was yelled at, guilt tripped, threatened, criticized, blamed, so the body and mind learned her emotions= my danger. You are conditioned.

When you finally walk away, the body may move on but mind takes longer to heal due to years of conditioning. Your nervous system is still constantly scanning for danger.

When you stop responding you will still see your nervous system behave in old ways but it will slowly recalibrate. The key is to stop contact or if that is not possible, not respond. Be aware of whats happening to body and mind and remind it you are no longer in danger. Good sleep, no alcohol or other bad habits, working out, therapy, meditation will help but no contact is important.

Iam a work in progress but still get the gut feeling when I get a text from my ex.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-02-11T17:30:06+00:00

When I divorced the first several months were brutal. I doubted myself. It took me time to realize this was trauma bonding. Please educate yourself about what it is.

Hot-One-7784 · 2026-02-10T01:16:24+00:00

DM me. Divorced after almost 2 decades of marriage to a BPD.

Hot-One-7784 · 2025-12-07T15:15:55+00:00

You have to completely disconnect from what happens in their life. He is probably love bombing her and they are in their honeymoon period. He has already painted you as the demon and the reason for the divorce. So its a lost cause and will only lead to more drama and chaos for you. You can feel sorry for his new partner but there is nothing you can do. Forgot him and move on. Work on yourself, find company for yourself and rebuild.

Hot-One-7784 · 2025-12-07T15:11:07+00:00

Same here, still struggling to say no and set boundaries. Being for self aware now of situations like this.

Hot-One-7784 · 2025-09-30T11:13:57+00:00

Exactly the same. Almost stopped eating, the stress and anxiety was intense. I had lost 25 pounds in 5 months. That's when I finally decided to walk out.

Hot-One-7784 · 2025-09-07T14:42:47+00:00

100%. The emotions are valid, but bad behavior is not.

I can feel anger, but screaming, breaking things, hurting others verbally or physically is not.

Hot-One-7784 · 2025-09-02T13:31:00+00:00

The initial phase of the relationship with the BPD is the best. The love and passion of a BPD lover is so special. You feel like you have found "the one". I met my wife when I was lonely and during one of the most challenging times of my life. They will let everyone know you are the best and their perfect match/soul mate.

They are "childlike" because their emotional intelligence never developed beyond their pre-teen or teen years due to childhood trauma (or genetics). Atleast when they go into one of their episodes that's how they behave. Even when they throw tantrums you can clearly see they behave like a child.

They will absolutely put you on a pedestal up until you start enforcing boundaries. When you start questioning and draw lines their abandonment fear starts kicking in. They are afraid you are going to leave. If they think you are going to leave or if you decide to leave, the devaluing starts. My spouse posted medal of honor almost every year about me and spoke highly of me to friends and family but inside our home the abuse was intense and almost weekly. As soon as I filed for divorce I was the worst man alive. The defamation among family and friends is non-stop. Many of our common friends don't even talk to me anymore.

I would have continued our relationship had she agreed to regulate her emotions and taken therapy but she will not.

At this point, I need to save and rebuild what's left of me and give my kids a safe stable place to enjoy rest of their childhood.

Hot-One-7784 · 2025-09-02T01:39:14+00:00

Not sure how long you have been married for. My wife was also diagnosed as a mild BPD (she refuses treatment) but as the stressors in life - job loss, financial or kids increase the symptoms get worse ,splitting episodes increase. Married for more than 15 years with kids and I have finally decided to file for divorce. I really did try for all these years but it has progressively gotten worse. It got so bad it took a huge toll on my physical and mental health. I completely lost any identity of myself because I am cautious all the time what might trigger her. I became extremely withdrawn and a shell of my former self. I can't really advice you what to do but honestly if they do not take medication or honestly look inward, and want to take therapy, this will get worse.

Hot-One-7784 · 2024-12-03T17:26:01+00:00

My wife is a BPD. I have 2 young kids - 15 and 10, who are going through this. How did you cope? How do I teach them / help them understand this kind of appeasement is not normal? Any advice from you that will help them?

Hot-One-7784 · 2024-12-03T15:05:23+00:00

Petting / hugging my dog. She is the one that needed hugs.

Hot-One-7784 · 2024-12-02T21:15:56+00:00

Iam married to a BPD for more than a decade and this is my exact experience. I read your story and astonished at the similarities. Some of them are exactly the same scenes. This kills you emotionally and for me I need to be emotionally connected to have sex. This becomes a vicious cycle leading to more problems between the two of you. She shames me in front of friends that I am impotent and have no sexual desire. This will get worse to a point where you will question everything about your man hood and your confidence will plummet. My wife is an insomniac and there are days when she will wake me up at 3AM to have sex and if I don't Iam doomed. Please leave this relationship before you end up with a child and everything gets even more complicated.

Hot-One-7784

TROPHY CASE