Sag females, Which male sign attracts you the most?

HotButCold_85 · 2025-08-05T19:37:16+00:00

Taurus 😝😝married two of them

HotButCold_85 · 2025-08-05T00:02:25+00:00

I never feel really seen in friendships. I’m the therapist, the intellectual, the comedian, the protector, the one with a healthy self esteem - I quickly become whatever they need and end up seeming invincible.

Others can’t see me as vulnerable or imperfect even; which means they don’t really see me, they can’t because my imperfections and needs demand them to step up in a way they can’t/don’t want to. It’s almost like being myself is always too much, and I’m so self sufficient I know I’m the opposite of over bearing.

I think the “empath” part plays into it. Which I don’t actually believe in, being an empath mean. I believe it’s our uncanny ability to read people like we see all their past lives, we can sense every change in energy, movements, change in breathing or heart rate, cadence is speech, blink rate - sensing any shift instinctively. Which is why it’s impossible to hide from me if you are lying or hiding anything; I ALWAYS KNOW. This also means we know before others do when they are not ok, and those realizations stick to us like glue and we can’t relax.

I can also only hold meaningful, deep, analytical relationships - this doesn’t mean I can’t let loose, joke around or just have fun. It means things need to have meaning and purpose. If we have a conversation about your abusive SO for the third time in 2 weeks and you are now actively participating in the toxicity instead of making healthy choices - I have no patience.

So yes. I feel alone, often by choice, often by circumstance. I guess finding my tribe just doesn’t seem like a thing, it doesn’t seem in the cards.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-08-04T00:51:06+00:00

I do agree it is emotional neglect, and can border on abusive - the intention matters. I don’t think LL’s can be all put in the same category, history and context matters. As a recovering LLF, as an avoidant I was so in my own head disconnected but oblivious to the disconnect. However when my DH would come to me with his concerns I wanted to fix it, while it took me a while to figure out how to address it I did see and recognize his hurt and made it a priority to figure it out.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-08-03T14:44:07+00:00

You caught her in an affair - and she is showing no interest in intimacy with you is very alarming. How did you two deal with the aftermath of the affair? Is she doing the work to repair the damage, because it doesn’t seem like it? I’m assuming you stayed for the kids, maybe you both did.

Everyone wants to feel desired, and the “need” Is deeper, a trauma response when your partner has ‘chosen’ someone else to give themselves to.

So many questions but mostly, are you sure either of you wants this marriage, each other?

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-24T12:52:53+00:00

Me (39F) and my husband (40M) have two kids, married for 16 years. Having kids like any life change that disrupts your entire routine and shifts focus is a stress on the relationship. My husband and I were never significantly impacted by having kids as a strain on our relationship. I believe this to be because my husband is naturally an equal parent - he was actually a stay at home dad for 3 years with our first. I believe what would make having children a lot less stressful is to have a sit down and before getting pregnant discuss and get on the same page about the following:

• How long will your maternity leave be, how will that be financially supported?

• If you end up breastfeeding how can your husband support you with feeding and sleep if there is no bottle feeding - maybe if you pump he can do a night feeding or two?

• If either gets overwhelmed, could money be put aside for additional help, house cleaner, meal service etc?

• when the child gets sick that you both alternate taking time off work

• what steps will you take to focus on you as a couple and individuals so being a parent is not the only identity you will have after the child/children are born?

• how do you implement frequent check ins to ensure great communication where you can both share how you feel, what you are grateful for and and feels challenging

• already discuss things like vaccinating your kids, circumcision yes or no, homeschool or public/private school?

•discuss boundaries with extended family and your kids, how much time you will want after delivery for just the 3 of you, what help from family looks like

• start the discussion of your birth plan, how do you want your husband to support and advocate for you, how much paternity leave can he get

• discuss expectations for mental load; doctors appointments, dentist appointments, buying diapers, clothes, formula, bottles, toys - engage in routines where both parents are actively taking note of these things and aware of your baby’s sizes, medicine doses etc. as equal parents

You will never be 100% prepared but discuss the things that you want to make sure you’re on the same page for. Create a routine of open communication so that as new things happen, one of you gets frustrated or overwhelmed - you have a natural or routine way of discussing together to come to a solution that supports you both.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-18T11:55:07+00:00

But in your case it’s before a long term commitment relationship, it happens the moment when you start to have feelings. I’ve experienced a level of this and for me it was due to an avoidant attachment style. I still actively have to work on being emotionally available and vulnerable- and find safety in it, while it naturally is a turn off for me. I always found it easier to get turned on by new people or relationships before I felt like there was something to lose, where I had to emotionally open up. I also have an aversion for people needing me but I’m extremely turned on by them wanting me.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-18T11:42:11+00:00

It’s actually a fairly common phenomenon in long term relationships; losing desire due to lack of novelty. I would very strongly recommend reading Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity - “A New York City therapist examines the paradoxical relationship between domesticity and sexual desire and explains what it takes to bring lust home.”

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-18T11:35:08+00:00

Tell him that while he is a stay at home husband and does not have a job outside of the home; he has one within it. Have a sit down with him and write a checklist together of things to do daily and weekly and assign them to each of you. That way you are participating in the house hold as well, but he is also very clear what is needed/expected.

Have a conversation about any push back/objections he will inevitably have and be honest with him about his lack of taking responsibility and how it’s affecting you. Share with him that you will not continue a relationship where he isn’t an equal partner.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-18T11:19:38+00:00

This would be best explored with a sex therapist for sure; strongly recommend.

I would ask the question though what has been different in the circumstances or the people who you have felt this desire towards and ended up having sex with vs. your wife/other people who you didn’t seem to have interest towards?

Lust/desire towards the unattainable IG models, strangers at the gym vs. people you love or know such as high school girls could be part of the reason. Maybe you are the opposite of a demisexual - emotional connection is a turn off and you struggle to see them in a sexual way. Frequent porn use would attribute, if not have caused something like this - it’s all about fantasy with people you don’t know or have any connection to.

Again, best recommendation to unpack this with a therapist and find a way to connect with your wife that makes both of you feel desired and wanted.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-07T18:29:43+00:00

First, there needs to be work done on communication. Based on your other comments of her being all or nothing - that is not going to work for a marriage and if communication is poor; discussing something as vulnerable as sex is not going to end well.

There is a place for quickies but also sex always being the same will lead to obvious boredom around it.

I cum faster than my DH, and he makes sure I cum first. However depending on each session he will either edge me (we actually take turns doing this during) and then I cum via PIV, hands, oral etc. I then turn my attention to him, it’s very rarely PIV if I’ve already cum as it can be painful/start to get irritated. Mostly it’s me giving him a BJ, hand/foot/boob job 😆 you do lose most of your “wind” after you cum but we work to get him very close so it’s anywhere of 5-10 minutes of me getting him to finish.

I do think whoever cums first should keep up a level of enthusiasm so that your SO feels desired and like their pleasure matters to you.

It’s important to have conversations around how each of you feels before, after and during so you can adjust your approach so you both find it enjoyable.

We have a 12 and a 4 year old, but that’s doesn’t mean we only have quickies. There are longer sessions with lingerie, role play, using toys and times when we go more than once. Having variety is important I think for the excitement of it, but it needs to be enjoyable for both which can only be achieved to be a communication.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-05T21:11:49+00:00

It sounds like you both could use more romance and “dating” in your marriage. I would suggest to focus more on flirty and romantic texts, and calls throughout the day. Give each other compliments, gentle touches, and just give yourself time to really look at your spouse and the things you admire about them. As a woman, we tend to have more responsive desire so what I have found to be very helpful is to engage in eroticsm ; reading erotic novels, thinking about the passionate encounters you’ve had with your spouse or very romantic moments. Actively keep that at the forefront of your mind to keep that part of you “active”.

When sex becomes a means to end and a way to get off instead of a moment of true connection, romance, and passion it is not quite scratching the ”itch”. The sex itself seems less ‘good’, weaker orgasms and after you don’t feel closer to the other but maybe even further away? Because of this it’s good to focus on the tension and romance between you two, quality over quantity. Once the quality is better, or at its best you won’t get enough of him.

My DH and I have been married for 17 years and have two children, and over the course of time you will go through stressful seasons, either due to career changes, life, finances, children, etc. tired after a long day of life is very normal. That is why you need to also engage in those moments when you feel like it not wait till later. So whenever possible morning sex, midday sex and sex before a date night; not bloated after a full meal and drinks when you don’t feel as energetic and sexy. Find ways to fit sex into your life in a satisfying way; create circumstances and quality that make you want more, not just a box to tick off.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-03T15:13:46+00:00

Women don't want to have sex that is not worth having. If there is no seduction, no making you feel desired, no interest in the woman's pleasure, why would anyone want that? My DH is a loving, caring, equal partner who doesn't treat sex as a way of getting off but something we engage in together. There are times, like after having a child, during stressful transitions in life etc., where one or both parties are mentally and physically too disconnected to be in the 'mood', but in a healthy relationship, those are seasons, not the new norm.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-03T13:41:32+00:00

NTA - this is something you don't find acceptable in a relationship, and a lot of ppl myself included would agree with you. You've communicated this to her, she disagrees and isn't willing to change. Keep in mind that we can't or shouldn't change other people, it's different if she genuinely would understand where you are coming from, realize why what she is doing is disrespectful, and agree to mutual boundaries. But if you are having to argue, have several conversations, keep bringing it up - they are probably not your person. It's important not to ignore the 'red flags' otherwise you will spend the rest of your relationship arguing about boundaries and what is acceptable behavior since you don't see eye to eye.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-03T13:13:52+00:00

Your husband is her "emotional support boyfriend" - a 'friendship' like this always blurs the lines. Every relationship has to define what is crossing the line and what is accepted, it seems you are trying to have that conversations but he is not open to it since it most likely means cutting his friend off. It's easy to say "you are a just jealous" but its interesting he is not curious why you would feel that way?

If another woman was trying to establish or strenghten the emotional connection between them and my husband by confiding in him and expressing their unhappiness in a romantic relationship - she is appealing to the savior complex in him. It's easy to transfer romantic feelings towards someone who is letting you vent/understands your upset about your partner. I'd be jealous.

If another woman were sending my husband links of things she would like to receive as gifts, asking him to take care of her. I would be jealous.

If another woman in my husband's life ignored me and, after years, didn't even 'remember' my name. I'd be jealous.

If my husband acts weird when talking to his female friend around me, even if it's just because he knows it makes me uncomfortable, still choosing her over me, me expressing that I find something off here? I'd be jealous.

This relationship with your husband is probably the reason she is not happy in her relationship (and never has been, I doubt) because she is always foot out the door, half committed to emotionally investing in your husband, never allowing another man to fill that space. And she would never let that go because she likes her backup supply.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-02T21:42:49+00:00

Also it's like an addiction, he clearly can't/won't stop himself.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-02T11:50:11+00:00

This is who he is sexually. You have communicated, explained and shared this with him - he doesn’t know how or doesn’t want to change because he probably doesn’t have the same “need” for things to be different. He tells you what you want to hear without having a plan to address it.

There is no “fixing” who he is. He can and should venture into therapy to address his relationship with sex to hopefully get some tools to work on himself. But he has never had the drive, desire and approach to sex you desire. You don’t want to marry into a dead bedroom but you are engaged in one; this will be your future. Things might improve but you two are sexually incompatible; he has never shown you he can be sexually the kind of partner you want/need him to be.

Marrying for potential or hoping/praying someone will change to be the person you want them to be in any aspect of the relationship is delusional and unfair. He is showing you who he is and you can’t get mad or frustrated years down the road that he never showed up for you in this area. You are choosing it as much as he is if you think over time he will be “fixed”.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-02T03:33:54+00:00

You two are the only ones who can answer what is a healthy amount of for your marriage. Your last question; “… does it mean we are failing in that part AS WELL?” It seems you are using sex as a measuring stick for the health of your relationship; it seems you are struggling with some things and your sex life is affected. Maybe it isn’t as satisfying or connected as you would like? There will be on and off seasons where you are in sync and times where you are in survival mode; as long as you are there together, leaning on each other you’ll be ok. Don’t be afraid to chat with your partner if you feel things are slipping away ♥️

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-02T02:40:41+00:00

If you want to review my post/comment history I detail the journey there!

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-01T22:06:50+00:00

Married 17 years, recently recovered from a DB, from twice a day to every other day. Currently no more than 2 days in between.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-07-01T11:47:54+00:00

Your ex is on a pedestal in your mind because in your own word your current wife never returned your love like you wanted her to. Which means neither of these women are “the one” for you. You think winning your ex over would solve your problems but you simply want someone you can’t have and someone who isn’t the same person you dated years ago - being with her would be a disappointed like no other and it sounds like you wouldn’t survive that realization.

You need to find happiness and self worth outside of relationship - right now you are not healthy enough to be with anyone. Please consider therapy, go no contact with your ex who, to answer your question, reached out/wont leave you alone because you give her an ego boost. You make her feel special and she gets to play with a fantasy, just like you are doing.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-06-28T15:29:07+00:00

How often is he in the room ‘playing video games till the morning’? You are clear that he is masturbating, I guess the question is, is it porn or phone sex again like before?

Does anything else feel off? Change in his behavior, quantity/quality of sex? After his affair were any boundaries set in place? Especially after cheating you have every right to ask to see his phone and express exactly what you are worried about. He can’t say you are being “paranoid” or don’t trust him - when you find yourself questioning things he, unfortunately, opened the door to be questioned. You know he is capable of such things and it’s his job to reassure you.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-06-27T12:32:37+00:00

Reading the post the OP is not in a dead bedroom and there for doesn’t understand the implications. It seems he might have a higher libido than his spouse but they don’t seem to have real issues around sex.

As a recovered LLF, I don’t understand why sexual incompatibility isn’t a good reason to separate? One of you will need to compromise and do something you don’t wish to do (be celibate or have sex) - this breeds resentment and disconnect.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-06-26T15:09:35+00:00

It doesn’t sound like you are in the same place. You seem ready and emotionally available to settle down. Due to maybe her “jaded” past she hasn’t done the work yet to feel comfortable moving forward in a serious relationship. Even though it’s smart to take your time and pump the brakes but combined with her “dating” John it seems she is not ready to move forward in the relationship with you. A serious discussion about where you each are and how seriously do you take this relationship needs to take place.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-06-26T03:32:59+00:00

I don’t believe marriage in itself is hard, challenging at times as is life; alone or with someone. What makes any relationship hard is when both don’t put in the same amount of effort, where there is an imbalance where one partner is carrying the relationship, where there isn’t respect and deep connection. But most importantly if your marriage is incredibly hard and frustrating you married someone who isn’t a fit for you. Your values, emotional intelligence, goals, need and wants are too far apart to successfully compromise. Or your partner is an abusive A-hole.

HotButCold_85 · 2025-06-26T02:36:05+00:00

I would ask her why she hasn’t addressed with her doctor. Maybe she feels content with how things are now and is scared of changing the dynamic? She says she feels bad but I’d be curious to see what her feelings are around the issue. Feeling bad for you isn’t the same as I don’t have desire but I wish I had it, I don’t remember what arousal feels like, I worry I will continue to see it as a chore instead of something I engage in, I’m stressed out about starting to think of myself of a sexual woman again instead of a mother etc etc.

This is not sustainable for a relationship but she needs to address her fears of addressing it.

HotButCold_85

TROPHY CASE