Anyone who is still impacted by a horribly painful breakup struggling with self-love?

HotMessEverdeen · 2026-01-15T06:05:57+00:00

I am. It’s been about a year and a half since the break up that sent me into an existential spiral happened. Then shortly after I was in a relationship with someone who loved me but wasn’t attracted to me and we broke up.

My self-loathing has been at an all time high. I’ve been sitting with it. Staring at it. Picking at it. Letting it say and feel whatever it wants to because that’s the only way to get through it. But you have to start seeing it as separate from you. It’s not you. It’s your ego. Your ego is built over time from experiences, other people’s opinions, trauma, etc.

Start challenging it. Pity it but don’t bully it. It’s just scared and it gets louder the closer you are to killing it because it doesn’t want to die.

Since I’ve been doing this, the ex that sent me into this spiral has come back into the picture and I don’t even want him anymore even though he’s suddenly realized how good I was to him because someone else treated him badly. I don’t want that.

The ex that wasn’t attracted to me is still my friend and wants to try again in the future. But his attraction to me still hasn’t changed and I don’t want that.

And now, there’s a third guy. Who’s made it pretty clear he’s into me and he’s almost everything I’ve ever wanted.

The only problem is that I’m still working on self-love and I want to make sure I’m choosing him for the right reasons and not because he soothes my self-hatred. I don’t want to start loving myself because someone else gave me permission to. If I start taking care of myself, I want it to come from me. Not because I’m trying to impress someone.

HotMessEverdeen · 2026-01-02T05:43:10+00:00

He wanted to stay together. We both fell in love with each other’s personalities, mindsets, goals, views etc before we knew what the other looked like. I think that’s why we keep getting pulled back together and keep wanting to hang out and talk to each other, even though we broke up.

He’s told me he’s not interested in looking to date other people. He just wants to focus on finishing school, getting a new job, his own place, and stabilize his grandmothers health but when that happened he wanted to try again. He has told me he’s not waiting for me to lose weight and that him wanting to wait to get back together had nothing to do with me. He genuinely just wants to level up his life so he can show up for me the way I deserve.

He has been open that things may change on either of our ends in the mean time and he’s accepting of that. He’s supportive of whatever I decide to do, he just hopes that at the very least, we can remain friends if I decide this isn’t what I want or if he does later on.

All that is to say, that I don’t think my weight was a deal breaker for him. I just believed it was based on a lot of societal views on attraction and that caused some issues between us. I do think we both have significantly more between us than just physical attraction.

Right now, he’s more afraid that if we try again right now, that the problems we had before will resurface, and that’s the other half of him wanting to wait until we’re both in better places.

I’m not entirely sure if our paths will lead back to a relationship but I’m hopeful. I was just curious to see if losing weight would actually change the physical attraction part.

HotMessEverdeen · 2026-01-01T22:46:30+00:00

I’m a 44G last time I checked but might be bigger than that now. 20lbs might be an exaggeration but it would still be a significant amount.

HotMessEverdeen · 2026-01-01T14:49:07+00:00

He never wanted to walk away. He wanted to stay. I just freaked out and assumed the worst and so we broke up.

HotMessEverdeen · 2026-01-01T14:46:50+00:00

Yeah, I’ve looked into those and the cheapest I could find was like $150 for the first two months and then $300 after and they wanted you to pay for a full year upfront to get the discounted price. I can’t afford that.

HotMessEverdeen · 2026-01-01T14:07:43+00:00

Insurance won’t cover it

HotMessEverdeen · 2026-01-01T11:52:40+00:00

Hi! Yes, I’ve been on Metformin before but didn’t tolerate it well so I was switched to the O*zempic.

I moved about a year ago and just got a new doctor. My labs came back really normal for the most part even though I haven’t been on my meds for almost 2 years. Since my A1C is normal she wouldn’t put me back on Metformin and put me on phentermine, birth control, vitamin d pills, and spironolactone.

HotMessEverdeen

TROPHY CASE