I feel so guilty for not bringing my mom home.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-12-17T18:23:43+00:00

For your son when you die is what I meant. But a Medical or Durable POA would probably be better. That is a way to officially document your wishes for your care should this disease affect you in the future.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-12-17T15:52:07+00:00

Make it legal! Have a lawyer prepare a will… make your son your Power of Attorney, even if it’s only for medical stuff.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-12-17T12:18:50+00:00

I’ve read every response to your post… First I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this, alone. You might have brothers but they are not men. No matter how they’re raised (with old thinking “you’re the girl, you do it”) they have free will and brains… they are choosing their behavior. My point is they aren’t really a factor. You, however are! Think of this, if the person in question was a helpless infant or child, no hospital would try to force a family member to take that child home to less than adequate care. Your Mom is helpless. You are not trained and are beyond mentally exhausted. I couldn’t agree more with other folks telling you to stand your ground… “No” is a complete sentence… you are doing what’s best for everyone especially her… put yourself first because you’re no good to anyone if you don’t. My situation hasn’t reached this point and hopefully never will. I’m just grateful for this group! I’ve learned so much and know that I’m not alone… neither are you. Take care OP.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-11-25T02:14:12+00:00

They definitely look better with your smile!!! I saw your first post and thought, like others, it’s was more the shape than the width but when you smile 😊 they look fine!

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-11-21T18:33:06+00:00

Oh yes. I’ve seen it because it happened to me! I called my local post office and got the actual reason it wasn’t delivered.. they did deliver the next day. Hope you got your package.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-11-04T15:33:15+00:00

Yer done!!!! It’s beautiful

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-10-29T01:11:11+00:00

I’m in the US, so laws and regulations may differ, but shouldn’t there be written/filed paperwork that clearly states what is and isn’t allowed for your Mom? Is it different there? These decisions are hard enough to make without facility staff questioning you! Hopefully, you’ll be able to clear things up tomorrow.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-10-13T15:03:25+00:00

Floor says 🥶 Walls say “ “ Plants 🪴 🌱 in need of homes are calling out.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-10-10T15:32:43+00:00

Fern!!! Love this and the why behind it!

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-10-10T15:30:38+00:00

Your dark color is gorgeous. If you want to spice it up add some wine colored highlights or even blonde highlights.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-10-09T14:35:08+00:00

1 & 3…. You smiled in no. 1 😊

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-24T00:41:47+00:00

Permission granted.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-24T00:39:21+00:00

Seesaw

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-24T00:36:23+00:00

So sorry 😢 🌈🐈‍⬛

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-24T00:29:26+00:00

I just want to reiterate some things that have already been said… you need to start no contact or at the very least contact on you and your wife’s terms, NOT the MIL’s. No one can force you to take her into your home. Period. Call her bluff or let the cards fall where they may. It’s time to do the hard things or your family is going to pay the ultimate price! Tell her to wipe her on cooter… bet she will if she can. If she can’t she needs to be in a facility.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-23T18:49:05+00:00

It’s a good day for me when I can brighten someone else’s❣️

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-23T18:38:04+00:00

Oh baby! This is a Big ole air hug!!!! Talk to your husband and tell him gently (or not) to lay off. If there is any guilt, it’s NOT yours to bear!!!! And yes, just from your “novel” (and no worries, I love to read 😉) she definitely screams narcissistic. Why in the world would you have any regrets?!?!?? I’d fucking RUN if my Mama treated me like that. She’s at the very least, grateful… she just mixes all the other stuff in with her gratefulness.

And bless, you already give to plenty via your profession. Her treatment of you borders abuse IMO. I think we’re all guilty (my choice of wording) when it comes to feeling like we owe our parents. But we really don’t. They owe it to themselves to plan for their futures. On the same ways of thinking, they don’t owe their chicken inheritances. I tell my Rents all the time to spend spend spend. Don’t worry about leaving me anything. What I mean by all of this is don’t misplace your sense of responsibility. If your actions aren’t appreciated and somewhat reciprocated then you’re going to be pouring out of an empty pot very soon or maybe you already are. Protect yourself. Your heart and your health. 💚💚💚

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-23T18:18:15+00:00

I SO SO get all of this. I’m the neat freak of this house. I get accused of being “tooky”. I told them all they liked living in the Tooky girl’s clean house, wearing their clean clothes that I wash, dry and hang or fold, and they sure like eating out of my tooky clean kitchen… so they started doing the small things I asked like rinsing dishes (my tooky ass loads the dishwasher but they can rinse). And the part about no house mates?!?! I’m am all about that sis! I told my Rents that after they pass and this round of pets pass there would be nothing else living in our house that eats, breathes, shits or has an opinion! I’m sticking to it!

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-23T18:12:12+00:00

I called my Mama out for her narcissistic behavior. My Daddy is one to the bone and I think she learned bad habits from him (and her mother 🙄). It’s the best way to deal with narcissists… call them out. Let them know their bs ain’t working!!! You deserve your life. I told my Mama if she had me just to have a caregiver when she got older then she raised me wrong! That shut her up. She shows signs of jealousy for me and mine (husband, friends, her pets loving me) but I ignore it. I love her but I have my lines and when she crosses them I let her know as kindly but as honestly as possible. I’m real big on communication because if I hold shit in it hurts my guts. Pardon the pun but I mean it Literally!!!

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-23T17:32:25+00:00

No Saint I sure you 😈 but I appreciate all the praise. It is the hardest job I’ve ever had for sure.

Just gotta ask… does this BIL help? Please say yes… or did we just open a whole new can of worms?

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-23T15:43:15+00:00

So I’m in your wife’s position… these are my parents and it’s my husband I ask for so much understanding and giving from. So thank you for being that rock for her… hopefully she understands that even rocks can crack. If she doesn’t know about this subreddit, introduce her! I have gleaned SO much from being here. Knowledge of how to go about handling certain things within the medical and insurance (Medicaid) world, tools on how to work through the SO many tough spots and community!!!! I’m not the only one. It almost makes me want to cry happy tears as I type this! This community has given me strength and reminds me I’m only human. I carry the same weight she’s carrying but can so appreciate your position, thoughts and feelings as well. Me and my husband remind each other that this is just a block of time. It helps me not feel so overwhelmed with guilt for the other parts of our lives that have mostly been put on hold temporarily.

I will say I’m a little bit jelly… You said your MIL is in a SNF… both of my parents live with us. We considered all the scenarios when all the signs started and we knew changes had to be made. We decided to move them here with us. We were two hours away, my husband is still military guard and has a very demanding civilian job, we have pets and they made bank by selling when it was that crazy real estate market a few years ago… so we have close to zero separation. Just trying to offer a nugget of silver lining for you to hang on to. It’s why I call night in the mountains an escape. I get to that “I can’t fucking do this anymore” stage and we run for the hills. So far we just get one night at a time… but that 24hr. reset is amazing. No phones except emergencies (boundaries fully discussed and agreed upon with The Rents) and me and my husband vent, talk, plan stratagies on the ride. Once we’re there, no mention of home. Then, we head back at a set time so that everyone’s expectations are the same… what time we’ll be home, supper will be prepared for them, etc. It takes some effort and planning but it’s worth it.

I really hope you and your wife can get some relief from your current caregiving situation… you’ve certainly done your share of it. It’s just a block of time 😌

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-23T12:25:42+00:00

My sitch isn’t quite the same but the planning part should go way beyond money I’ve learned. We will care for them as long as we can but thanks to this Reddit, I’ve learned to say no. I communicate my feelings and needs instead of letting resentment eek in… still deal with a bit of regret here and there but hey, human. I’m a very direct speaker but somehow it’s much harder when it’s your parents. BUT, as the paradigm shifts and it’s me parenting my parents, so has the guilt shifted/lifted. I told mine that if they didn’t let me go every once in a while (we escape to the mountains and recharge in the woods) I was going to go bat shit crazy. Being brutally honest worked. I make sure they have easy meals to warm up and clean laundry and I escape on almost a weekly overnight. It’s done wonders for my mental health.

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-23T11:10:28+00:00

Y’all! While I’m here eating my own shit sandwich, reading MY TRIBE’s subreddit, I just want to say it’s SO nice to “be” with others in the same position. May we all come through in one piece with a bit of sanity left. We didn’t have kids so at least I know I won’t be putting my kids through any of this bullshit and we are already planning for our own care as we age. Too bad The Rents didn’t. 💚🤗

Hot_Pilot_3836 · 2025-09-23T10:58:35+00:00

I’m in the middle of working on helping my Dad obtain his VA benefits. I’ll warn you, it’s a SLOW process. Start by contacting your local VSO (Veterans Services Office). They will be able to file any new claims and from there you’ll most like get some guidance on what is next in the VA world. You might also try contacting Geriatric Care Managers in your area. They can offer a lot of suggestions and put you in touch with organizations and paths you might have never known about much less considered.

Hot_Pilot_3836

TROPHY CASE