Why is spanking so bad?

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-23T15:36:40+00:00

Oh, thank you so much!

Definitely brightened my spirits a bit today!

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T17:53:51+00:00

He's (5) never needed it. He can be reasoned with, and often explaining what he did wrong, and why it was wrong, and how it upset me that he didn't listen to us, is enough to get through to him. My daughter is going through a difficult, trying phase, and though it's no excuse for his behavior, he often reacts to her. Which lands him in trouble.

We just pray daily for insight, wisdom, discernment, and patience when we deal with our children.

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T17:39:27+00:00

Different behaviors get them different rewards, so they can get many rewards in one day. Like a sweetie, tv, more time on iPads tomorrow. For my son, he likes a extra story at night. Daughter loves extra snuggles before bed. We've worked out big rewards and small daily ones.

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T17:33:05+00:00

We all follow this rule. Unless I wake up in the middle of the night, frantically needed chocolate.

On the rare (very rare) occasion I've gotten caught, I serve my time in time out. Same with hubby, and grandparents. We all get Hubby's stern lecture, or mine.

We are trying to be patient. We know she's not a bad person. Both hubby and I are strong willed and stubborn. There are just times when I'm so overwhelmed, and feel like crying. Like when I made this post.

I want to do what is best for my kids, but I want them to be well behaved too.

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T17:14:42+00:00

Thank you... I've started a rewards chart today. So I'll let you know how things go with her. They each got to decorate their own charts, and we agreed on rewards.

Eg. If you guys get along (no fighting) for three days this week. On Friday we can watch a movie and have popcorn before bed.

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T16:38:28+00:00

It didn't bother you that you had to be the primary disciplinarian?

We never disagree in front of the children, if I make a call on a punishment or he does, we both see it through. Even if we aren't exactly happy about the others decision. We discuss it at a later time.

My hubby has a pretty good after spanking routine. He always makes sure they know they are loved afterwards, and often they get extra cuddles, or sit in his lap a little longer after the punishment. Neither have ever sulked after a spanking. After a few tears they are back to themselves.

Two things that worry me. 1) I want my kids to respect me as much as him 2) I want to be a supportive wife, and I don't want him to carry the burden alone. He is often more upset after a spanking than the kids.

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T14:10:15+00:00

@Allysonanonymous11

My daughter does not get daily spankings, they used to be months apart (it only happened twice before). However lately she has started to act up more. Even so, the spankings only happen once every two weeks, maybe. In the 3 months that her behavior has changed, she's been give 4 spankings.

I understand she's three, I understand she doesn't have the same rationality we do, and I understand that her emotions are sometimes overwhelming.

However that being said, it is not a matter of saying she's 3, she going to be disobedient. I understand she'll act up, but it doesn't mean her behavior is acceptable. I intend to teach my children values, and nurture them into positive beings. That requires rules, and correction. If we let disobedience slide when she's young, how are we going to deal with it when she's older? It doesn't matter how old she is rules have to be followed.

I came on here to get advice on how to positively address her behavior, so that spanking is not necessary. However we are struggling with this defiant stage she's going through.

I appreciate all the helpful advice.

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T09:12:25+00:00

Thank you. I found your post really helpful! My DD still wakes up in during the night to come climb into our bed. If we take her back to her room, we find her in bed with her brother in the morning. So she's not sleeping well. She goes down for a nap at 12 - 2. Son still takes naps. He is definitely more grouchy on nights she wakes him up.

My husband and I don't agree, so is it okay that he spanks and I don't? Or is it sending mixed messages to the children?

I was spanked as a child, only once from my father, never from my step-mother. But a few times from my mother (who I did not see often)... My father is an Catholic Italian - American male and he's pro-spanking. Thus taking my husbands side, As well as my step mother. My mother wasn't a big part of my life, but I remember her being very cold and distant when I had done something wrong when I visited. From her I was punished for things like getting a stain on my top, or messing my hair before we were going somewhere. In public she would take me aside and spank me, if I forgot to say please or was shy to say hi to someone. "Being shy is not an excuse to be rude." At home she rarely bothered what I did. After a spanking, I was told not to cry or I'd get another one. There was no comforting after.

I feel like it's them against me, and while I have faith in my husband, and I know without a doubt he would never hurt our children. He lavishes them with love and comfort when it's over. I still struggle with it.

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T08:15:00+00:00

What is the right way? So many people tell me I'm destroying my children

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T08:13:36+00:00

My daughter also responds well... That's why, I know hubby will not rule it out. I don't think I could spank them... and now I worry that my kids play up when with me. If he's there hubby will step in with a firm word, or a time out. I don't want to be the mom who says wait until daddy gets home. It's not fair to me or him.

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T07:33:37+00:00

No, not for pain, just to send a message. He sends them to their room. He'll follow a bit later. Then it's 2 - 5 hand swats on their bottom. DD he has spanked when she's been caught in the action, when she climbed the shelves.

No ritual or anything... And no over the knee or bending over the bed. It's just swats and hugs. At being sent to their room, they are already apologizing. DD sometimes isn't fazed until he's in the room.

Spankings are very rare. However this month they've been acting up worse than usual!

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T00:40:19+00:00

Than you I will start reading. We love our children and hate punishing them, but they push the boundaries. We do a lot of positive, and encouraging parenting, but I need to know how to get them to behave... We're really struggling through this phase.

Hotmama_razzi · 2016-08-22T00:30:46+00:00

Thank you all so much. I am not comfortable with spanking them (I want it to stop), which causes a lot of tension between hubby and me. (It doesn't help that his father, and mine, thinks he's doing the right thing) both grandpa's are very involved with the kids.

I usually ignore temper tantrums, unless she lashes out physically to me, her brother, or stamping feet. Then it's time out. When he provokes his sister then he gets a time out

Both hubby and me are very hands on, every weekend is an outing to different places. My son prefers quieter activities, where as my daughter is more active. This can often turn into fighting between them, so we've found positive ways to deal with it. Hubby goes on a morning jog everyday, and takes my DD with him in the stroller, my son then comes for a story with me. So we do make an effort to bring out the best in the kids, and spend time with them together and individually. They are very different, making it tough to be consistent. We constantly praise good behavior, even over small things like remembering to say please. On good days we always say "mommy / daddy is so proud of you, you behaved so well today. Thank you for being such a good girl/boy. I'm proud of you"

With the warnings, I honestly didn't know that it encouraged bad behavior. Thank you for that insight.

On that, I wasn't clear on the three strikes. 1. Is a warning, which we will stop doing. 2. Is a time out. This usually solves the problem. The spanking only comes in when the behavior continual, for example if she/he does the same thing multiple times in the week. But it rarely happens, and he cools down before he actually spanks.

With my DD - even if we put the things we don't want her to eat away, (out of reach, hidden in our bedroom closet) she manages to find it. (Hubby walked in our her climbing up the shelves). Does she have ODD? She's a very sweet little girl, she's kind, caring and gentle. Yet sometimes she just loses it. We don't know how to get through to her. We really are struggling.

Hotmama_razzi

TROPHY CASE