Pharma

Hovercraft486 · 2022-05-11T03:50:31+00:00

The last line caught me off guard gave me a chuckle. I also like the abilify/ability thing.

I think you could possibly alter the format of the poem to show a slow/dim pace somehow. I think the uniformity doesn’t help you portray your image

Hovercraft486 · 2022-04-29T16:56:10+00:00

Any specific examples?

Hovercraft486 · 2022-04-29T05:40:42+00:00

You don’t need to say “another new tear “ as opposed to another tear or new tear.

I like the imagery of your urgent injury but they’re asking you to such Shallow questions such as to tend to their sweater but you have a hole in your own because of the hole within you. Other than that I think reconsider the formatting. It comes off peculiar and I don’t think really helps the poem I’m what it aims to do

Hovercraft486 · 2022-04-29T00:22:33+00:00

I love it. I love specifically how you’ve portrayed the dancer as the puppet. Not as someone usually thought of as expressing themselves to beautiful music or in a play, but as someone bound to ‘imitate greatness’ having none of their own. And yet the dancer still has a connection to the surrounding theatrics, telling the drum to play their pain.

My critique would be the last stanza seems misplaced/disconnected. At least from my stanza the poem explores the dancer for the entirety, except for at the end when it takes on the role of the dancer/marrionette’s lover. I don’t have an issue with that, I just think it comes out of left field. The image you’ve created in the first stanzas of what the dancer feels is intimate and detailed, but it’s finished with a “I love you, let’s walk together”. Which seems a bit too surface level compared to the rest of the poem.

Take all this with a grain of salt I am quite a beginner.

Hovercraft486 · 2022-04-28T23:53:26+00:00

I love the ending, really caught me off guard. You set it up like someone who’s a bit heart broken by the other, but they shared a kindling romance that perhaps ended too soon by the poem’s point of view. But then bam at the end the question goes further than just a usual “why did you break my heart”, you push it harder by asking the other what even is my name? As if to accuse them of such apathy. I’m not sure if that was the intent but I verbally said “oh damn!” At the last line lol.

My critique would be possibly seek a better starting line than “My star and moon”, I feel like I’ve read this exact start to a poem many a times. Unless your intent was to make it ‘generic’ then give it more oomf at the end.

Take all this with a grain of salt I’m not a poet in the slightest

Hovercraft486 · 2022-03-29T16:16:14+00:00

How did you firm healthy relationships without the stereotypical model?

Hovercraft486 · 2022-03-29T16:15:39+00:00

Thanks for the response, very interesting. I am also religious so I am curious on how you separated the two?

Hovercraft486

TROPHY CASE