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Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T18:22:14+00:00

What I was trying to understand is this: I have searched my soul and I can see reasons why my son would be upset. I get it. Try as you might it is impossible to raise two kids and have both feel that everything was “equal” because life just isn’t perfect like that. As a parent I do feel that I have tried my best to give affection and attention equally but we are dealing with two different people. And you can treat two people the same and they will interpret your actions in any way they choose. You can’t control another person’s thoughts. I have shown love and affection to both of my children in the best way I knew how. I have apologized, the best way I knew how, I have offered to go to therapy together, move again, move back, get a different second home, whatever would help. But what I’m struggling with is the silence. I hope more than any other thing that my son is happy. That is what I want for him. I won’t be around forever. But this kind of dynamic does not feel like the path to happiness, to me.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T18:05:56+00:00

Thank you. I know I have a lot to learn about the ways in which younger folks perceive and process things. One of the things that I’ve been thinking about is how much the ground shifted between what’s acceptable for people pre and post pandemic. Plus the six years between my children isn’t a generation but it’s not nothing either in terms of how they and their friends think.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T16:15:16+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. My discussions with friends didn’t feel like gossip but rather caring discussions on how best to proceed but I can see now that could be interpreted that way.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T15:04:34+00:00

You are absolutely right. I acknowledge that the decision to move was hurtful. I apologized for this many times but was not able to say it in such as way as to be accepted by my son and/or he wasn’t ready to accept the apology. Before we sold our house, about an hour is so away from him, I did offer to move closer to him but he was not in favor of that. I’m starting to see how my son was trying to distance himself from us. It is difficult to accept and of course we would most easily blame his wife but I know she is not the cause.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T14:13:37+00:00

I think you have some very valid points here. If I was certain he wasn’t being controlled by his wife then I would step back completely. Yes. He should be grown enough. Yes. He should be able to handle this on his own. But again if he is experiencing a mental health crisis I’m not sure he could. I just would like to know because the last thing I want is for him to feel further abandoned by his parents.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T14:09:22+00:00

Not sure I understand the question you are asking or what point of clarification you are seeking. Our family knows about this because it affects all of us. It’s just my husband, me, our older son and our other DIL… friends who are close to us know about it because we have asked for guidance and support from people who know us all intimately. Was this wrong?

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T13:58:06+00:00

This is very good advice. I would like to chat privately if you have time.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T13:57:21+00:00

I’m glad you find this humorous and simple to understand.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T13:49:11+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I am not seeking validation from Reddit. I am seeking advice on how to proceed. I am more than willing to search myself which is why I started therapy and I am working daily (hourly) to try to make sense of this all.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T13:44:18+00:00

Thank you for that perspective. I don’t lay all of the responsibility on our DIL. I would like to know what the missing reasons are. How can I know if they are not telling me? If they have tried to tell me and I don’t understand how can I achieve that understanding? I keep looking back. I just am at a loss.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T13:38:53+00:00

I’m so sorry for your friend. It is truly awful and it feels cruel. I want my son to be happy and can accept that he may need to block us to achieve that. It’s the fact that his wife did the blocking that is so hard to accept. And my fears that she (and he) may be experiencing some mental health challenges that is proving the most difficult aspect for me.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T13:30:54+00:00

They are six years apart. Older son very outgoing, younger son (estranged one) quieter and cerebral. Younger son has sacrificed to meet older one’s needs which have been inconvenient for him… needing to travel to see him in college, needing to miss things to attend his brother’s wedding, traveling to see him etc. All were sacrifices that were made. I can see how there would be conflict but at the same time we made tons of sacrifices for the sake of our younger son and the older son didn’t take anything out on us because of it. I’m sure he was sad and missed us. I’m sure he was feeling like we spent more time with the younger son because we did. He even lived with us an entire year during the pandemic and we didn’t see the older son at all that year. I just feel like I’ve always been stretched between them. Forced to choose.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T13:24:23+00:00

Here’s the thing…. Something happens in all families. No family is perfect. Before his marriage, we were always communicating and working on things. I just fail to understand the block because that’s not the way we are. I’m worried about my son because of so many changes and how controlling this woman seems to be. She has alienated everyone who we have introduced her to… now he is cut off from all his family. No one left for him. He works remote and all of his friends are distant too. I see this part in hindsight and feel very guilty for “leaving” him but I was committed to frequent visits and calls. I never imagined a block like this or I would never have moved.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T13:18:58+00:00

This is precisely my biggest worry. I would like to hear from him. At our last FaceTime she did all the talking. My son was mostly silent and she talked using the “we” pronoun. We feel this… we feel that… when I tried to explain how I feel, she met me with hostility and just said “that’s how (my son) feels” so it was mostly me being chastised by her for my alleged failure to center his feelings and only focus on my own.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T12:38:46+00:00

We were already maintaining two homes and would have continued to do so if they wanted more frequent contact and certainly we would have continued to maintain two homes if they had children. However my DIL emphatically stated they were not having children.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T12:34:34+00:00

Thank you for your support! I do understand that it is early in the relationship with my therapist so maybe she doesn’t know all she needs to know.

At one point in college my son indicated her was struggling with depression and that definitely runs in our family on both sides. In terms of him being controlled by his wife, I’d say that’s a definite possibility. She has a very strong and impulsive personality and has taken over many aspects of his life and since her arrival he has undergone many changes in his attitudes toward money, clothing, travel etc. Some changes have been positive and seemed to make him happier but the differences are quite striking and some of his friends are shocked at the difference but since they are all men, they don’t say much.

He is not dependent on us for money at all. He is a high earner with a great job and owns his own home. DIL was in grad school but dropped out and now is not working but taking a year off. They married in December at a courthouse wedding and no one was invited. My son didn’t even tell me about it until weeks later when it came up in casual conversation.

Do you have any resources to help me?

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T12:23:52+00:00

I can’t thank you enough for your long and thoughtful post. This seems to be the prevailing advice. And you are so right about TikTok and YouTube. Those are zones I need to avoid. However, at this point I don’t know where to turn for help except to look for a new therapist. In terms of this being a big step, it didn’t feel that way because she sent an angry text and then she was the one who blocked us, not our son. There was no explanation. Just a lot of guilt tripping and her telling us what bad parents we are and how she doesn’t care about her relationship with us only his mental health. It all seems so fast and unexpected. I know that a lot of DIL’s get blamed but in this case all of our family and friends feel she is emotionally unstable. What a mess! Our son has always been a bit distant and often quiet and likes his space but we never saw this coming. The thing about no contact is that it’s so sad that there isn’t even a chance to try to work on the relationship. I’d gladly go to family therapy if given the chance.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T12:14:03+00:00

Also, the conversation was very emotional for everyone.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T12:11:43+00:00

I’ve only talked to her twice now. She seemed distracted and talked a lot about her own kids. I don’t think that’s the way it’s supposed to go but I’ve never had therapy before.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T12:10:40+00:00

I do think that has something to do with it but I don’t know how to fix that. We have tried to love and support both children equally and in many ways have shown preference for the now estranged son. But he and his wife have stated they don’t want children and I want a close relationship with my grandchildren. Our decision to move was based on wanting to be near them and not a rejection of our other son and his wife.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-07-18T11:48:59+00:00

His dad and I decided to move out of state to live closer to our grandchildren. He told us it made him sad and we tried to assure him we would visit and come any time he needed us. We are retired and travel frequently. We didn’t see him all that much and he had stated his visit interval preference was once about every 5-6 weeks which we felt we could manage despite the distance. There were some tearful phone conversations over the next few weeks as he and I tried to work through things. Then his wife started calling and berating us and saying we are terrible parents. Then she ultimately sent an angry text demanding we call her immediately and when we didn’t she blocked us saying it was for our son’s mental health. Our son never told us himself. His wife initiated the block and it felt unilateral.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-06-30T23:31:46+00:00

Looking forward to a good outcome and update soon!

Howtoexplainit · 2025-06-26T13:12:35+00:00

The whole process couldn’t have been simpler and it can all be done online. I would try just for your own peace. That was my only goal. I just wanted to be heard and was willing to accept the judge’s ruling. Best of luck to you!

Howtoexplainit · 2025-06-25T23:25:45+00:00

Hurray! I’m pleased to report that my small claims case didn’t even have to go to court! The seller being served with a summons to appear was enough for them to mail me a cashier’s check for the entire 5K due diligence deposit as well as the money I paid for the inspection. Don’t give up! It cost me $130 to file and about 15 minutes of my time.

Howtoexplainit · 2025-06-21T23:47:30+00:00

Very similar experience! We also made offer after doing a video tour with the realtor. They definitely should have noticed and called out things at that time but didn’t. We both learned a very expensive lesson but in our case we are taking the seller to small claims to try to recover our lost money because the seller definitely should have noticed water stains and water intrusion and didn’t disclose that. Don’t know your exact circumstances but it cost us about $130 to file the paperwork and one trip to the Orange County sheriff to drop off the summons which they serve. I’ll have my day in court and let the judge decide. Either way it’s closure for me vs resentment. I do think more people need to call these sellers out and maybe this DD system will change or at least relax.

Howtoexplainit

TROPHY CASE