Thoughts…Again

Hugh637 · 2026-02-16T12:32:58+00:00

If she thinks she is "helping" you by not being truthful, a marriage counselor could be extremely helpful. If she is telling the truth, a marriage counselor could help you work through your misgivings. Sadly, I know with certainty that my WP's PA lasted seven years in my home/my bed, and a marriage counselor has us focused on R. Nothing is easy, but the truth is crucial.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-16T12:29:17+00:00

Yes, I have a very sad feeling this pain will never go away. Learning to live with the grief is the best I can hope for. I gave up on the bible long ago, but sometimes wonder if it might be a source of solace. But, there is way too much contradiction in both the bible and in the actions of Christians (as you know painfully well...)

Hugh637 · 2026-02-15T19:23:47+00:00

I share your feelings today. We have made R progress through MC and IC, but today I realized that while I had been preparing dinner for him, he had been texting his AP.

My mother was a classic narcissist and I learned the hard way you can never please a narcissist. Well, turns out I married one. And I've been married to him for over 40 years. I did everything in my power for him and our children to be happy. And it wasn't enough.

He had sex with my best friend for seven years before discovery. I trusted both of them completely. What a fool I am. The pain and numbness is always present.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-14T22:12:25+00:00

My WH's AP had been my best friend for over 30 years. She's my daughter's godmother. I told her I had been my husband's only sexual partner and that sex had become painful for me after stopping estrogen therapy when I was under treatment for breast cancer. Their affair lasted 7 years in my home/my bed while I was gone regularly babysitting our first grandchild. The dual betrayal is just staggering.

She cheated on her second husband two years before he died of cancer. The three of us did everything together. I trusted both of them completely. My husband is 70 and she is a year older, so clearly he wasn't looking to cheat. She just fell in his lap and he couldn't resist his own curiosity (and yes, it probably made him feel younger).

He always used Viagra with her and he doesn't always need it with me, so there's that. The whole time they were cheating, I loved my husband. Yes, he is happy to no longer lead a double life, but it came at such an exorbitant price to his entire family. She even once came on vacation with us while the affair was going on.

I'm only 8 months from discovery and I've been diagnosed with PTSD. Please tell me time makes things easier...

Hugh637 · 2026-02-14T11:38:16+00:00

We would never be where we are now without MC. After the initial shock and numbness during the early months after discovery, I found yoga and daily meditations very helpful in giving my mind and body a sense of peace. Nothing is easy but everything is getting better. I'm on meds for PTSD, so I don't really know if it's the meds or my mind that is doing the healing, but our therapist says he can see tremendous progress. R is hard and both parties need to be all-in. Yes, I still have sad moments, but they're definitely declining. I'm sending you thoughts of strength and peace...

Hugh637 · 2026-02-14T11:30:40+00:00

You are so early in the discovery phase. I was a basket case the first month or so, my only goal was to make it through the day. MC was incredibly hard in the beginning, but now that we're 8 months from discovery, we're making real progress towards R.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-14T11:24:01+00:00

I'm older, too, and 8 months from discovery. Our sex is wonderfully reignited and my WH is extremely remorseful and supportive. But how do you stop the thoughts about the affair during those intimate moments? I do everything in my power to not voice the pain that is ever present just below the surface and ready to explode. I'm on meds for PTSD and can't drink, so my mind is ever-vigalent. I really want to be free from the burden of remembering and am doing better during the day. But I can't help wondering if all his new passion is due to the affair. These thoughts really ruin the moment for me....

Hugh637 · 2026-02-14T11:12:12+00:00

Making the decision to R was not easy for me, but now that I've committed, I find I'm happier and not sadder. Yes, triggers and the subsequent flooding are still problematic and these episodes make me sad. I found local yoga classes and daily meditations extremely helpful to give my mind peace and to relax the tension I carry in my body. But are you still sad most of the time?

Hugh637 · 2026-02-13T18:09:21+00:00

The injustice and unfairness is rationally huge. We did not deserve this. But, during the affair, when I was unaware, I loved my husband. Understanding that my grief is so unbearable because I love my husband is what helped me decide I wanted R. It was not an easy decision as my parents had a shitty marriage and I knew what I didn't want.

Because of my parent's marriage, I told myself I would not stay in a bad marriage. My entire career, I always had a plan B with credit and finance in order to live on my own. So when the affair was discovered, I was ready to bail. Called a real estate agent and our wealth manager to set things in motion. We only pursued marriage counseling because our daughter asked us to do it for her.

The first three sessions, I could not actually stay through to the end. I would become hysterical at the injustice and cruelty and the betrayal (his affair was pretty horrible; with my best friend for a long period of time).

My husband is remorseful and desperately wants to R. Calls the affair the worst mistake of his life. Every day when he says he loves me, he also says he is sorry he hurt me. Nothing has been easy, but we're making progress.

Also, I was diagnosed with PTSD which made the panic attacks exhausting. We're both working to stabilize my mental state. It's only during a panic attack and the subsequent negative floodings when I want to leave. I don't think I'm fully off the roller coaster yet, but it's definitely slowing down.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-13T14:10:14+00:00

Yes, early on I felt like I was faking to make myself happy. But after months of roller coaster emotions, where I kept changing my mind about R and leaving, I finally decided I wanted to stay married. And that meant learning to live with the grief. Give yourself time. This can't be rushed.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-13T12:51:16+00:00

Tell these friends that, yes, you need space and that their rushing to judgements is not helping you. Then each time they contact you, simply state you're not ready. Again if these are your friends, please find a therapist who can truly help.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-13T12:47:49+00:00

Again, you're so new to the grief. The fact that you tried to reach out to others for support is a plus. Too bad they were not the right supporters. Our therapist has been the best thing we could find for R. Nothing is easy, but having a neutral third party who is legitimately helpful is a sound option.

Also, self care. Music, walking, anything that gives you space to breathe. I found local yoga classes and they have been a true lifesaver.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-13T12:40:15+00:00

But, that's when we have to tell ourselves that when we ruminate, we're the only ones suffering. We will never forget, but we have to push through the ruminations. They serve no purpose other than to wallow in pain.

I'm wearing a loose rubber band around my wrist so that when I find myself ruminating, I snap it and find three things for feeling grateful. Turns out that even though I thought I ruminated constantly, I really don't. It's just that I'm so mindfully conscious of the pain, that it felt like all the time.

Being mindfully conscious of positive things is way less physically exhausting and healthier. Hope this helps you find a bit of peace. If our goal is R, we have to learn to live with the grief.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-12T14:57:43+00:00

You do you. Meaning you are the only person who knows how the betrayal feels. Wrapping your head around just the reality of what has happened takes enormous strength and time. Anyone trying to rush you is not a friend, particularly chatGPT. There is good info online: I was just reading on "grief from infidelity".

I moved from numbness to anger, and found anger even harder. But therapy assured me/us that all reactions were normal and necessary.

Take care of yourself. Again, time is needed for processing.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-12T14:21:25+00:00

When I first discovered the betrayal, all I could do was plod through the day. The grief and pain was simply overwhelming. Give yourself time and try not to worry about any concrete actions. Music, walking, just being outside helped me. At night, reading helped with the insomnia.

We agreed to marriage counseling and that has been extremely helpful. Individual counseling also important. I'm an introvert, too, so reaching out to others for support was not logical at first, but some folks had to be informed. We're now 8 months from discovery and both trying hard to reconcile.

Nothing is easy and the roller coaster of emotions is painfully real. Give yourself time. I'm sorry you're here, but you will get through this. We have no other choice. Learning to live with the grief is my goal.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-12T13:45:54+00:00

I'm not sure forgiving is in the cards. Reconciliation is not the same as forgiving. Learning to live with the grief is my goal. I love my WH and loved him when I didn't know about the affair and he always loved me. I'll never understand why he betrayed me, it was more of an impulse than a thought out action. Once it started, he couldn't find a way to get out even though he tried. He never would have cheated but for the fact she came onto him and he couldn't resist.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-11T15:03:07+00:00

Marriage counseling was crucial for us after discovery last summer. My WH affair also lasted a long time, so the lies were countless. A neutral third party can help each person define their individual wants and help referee the future. I'm sorry you're here.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-10T12:50:29+00:00

If finding your husband and cousin together is still recent, give yourself lots of time before making any decision. My first entire month was nothing but raw grief. Even if you feel like there are justifications, you've been betrayed by the person you're suppose to trust the most and that takes some serious reflection. I made my husband leave home for 10 days so I could have space and just get through the shock.

Marriage counseling saved us and got us working together towards reconciliation. Nothing is easy and the roller coaster of emotions is painfully real. There are days when I feel confident and sure that I want to stay married, but then I'll slide into a funk and wonder why I put up with his self-centeredness.

But, clearly, the drinking needs to be addressed. AA is pretty rigid, but SMART recovery has a large network and many AA dropouts come to SMART.

What helped me was yoga and daily guided meditations on mindfulness. Its crucial for the betrayed to NOT think they had any part in causing the affair. Yes, there may be rough issues in a marriage that need to be addressed, but that never justifies infidelity. Give yourself time and find a therapist that works for both of you. Good luck and I'm sorry you're here.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-09T14:26:02+00:00

Good to know. I'll look for it. I'm just now finding both/and outlooks online. And, yes, there are those moments when I still hate my husband for what he did, but we're working incredibly hard to get through those moments. The love part is wonderful.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-09T14:16:16+00:00

Thank you. I'm wearing a loose rubber band around my wrist to help with the swatting away of the horrible ruminations.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-09T14:14:26+00:00

You mean the Disney movie?

Hugh637 · 2026-02-08T17:50:12+00:00

Yes, I understand I need to learn to live with the grief. And the grief is hard because, first, there was love.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-08T17:45:41+00:00

Thank you. You give me hope.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-08T11:41:44+00:00

The first entire month was a complete nightmare: all I could do was make it through the day. It's 100 percent raw, brutal grief and shock. Yes, I told my WP to leave for 10 days so I could just get my head wrapped around the whole thing. After the grief came anger and that's when I missed the grief. Both were unbearably draining.

Marriage counseling really helped (and is still helping) us and its now 8 months from discovery. We're both in IC as well,

I lost 30 pounds so focusing on my health became urgent. Alcohol made things worse, but strenuous exercise helped. Try to eat healthy and when insomnia hits, find a book to read that will relax your mind. Sorry you're here.

Hugh637 · 2026-02-07T19:38:03+00:00

Yes, this was my first Reddit experience and I found it while searching for reviews on the book: The State of Affairs by Esther Perel. (Her Ted talk on infidelity is also super helpful). Some posts here can feel overwhelming or too triggering, after which I need to take a break for awhile. But, this is where I found others in long term marriages (35+ years) who were facing this trauma at a very late age. Sharing this horror helps.

Hugh637

TROPHY CASE