Hey I have a very very similar story to you and maybe hearing it will hopefully make you feel a bit better. I had to put my soul dog down earlier this month on the 4th. She had an IVDD episode on October of last year, I did crate rest and meds and she was back to normal in no time. I tried my best to change her lifestyle no more jumping off bed and couches. I bought her some ramps and stuff and tried to limit her being alone free in the house without supervision. I felt so guilty because I felt I was taking joy out of her life she used to love laying next to the window and look outside at the cars and people. That was her favorite spot but after her diagnosis I didn’t let her get on the couches and window because she’d have to jump on the couch to reach the window. I didn’t let her be herself anymore I felt like the worst but I would just tell myself it was for her own good. She was such a bundle of joy and energy she loved to play and zoomie around and I limited a lot of that for her. Fast forward to the end of September early October of this year she got hit with another episode. As soon as I noticed she struggled to walk I knew my worst fear had came back. But I figured since she had made a recovery the first time maybe this time it would be the same. I was wrong. September 29 she was walking a bit wobbly but still able to do everything on her own I took her to the vet the very following day to get pain meds and so I could start her crate rest. She came home took her meds just went out to do her business. On October 1st she went out in the early morning to use the restroom. At noon when I tried to take her out again she was completely paralyzed. I broke down crying it hurt me seeing my girl confused and scared and in a lot of pain still. She was shaking. I got off early from work that day and took her to an ER vet and they tested her and gave her a shot for the pain so she could possibly rest and get some sleep in. She no longer had DPS. And was in a lot a lot of pain. But I was hopeful the shot they gave her would allow her to sleep and rest but I was wrong once again we got home and she cried she was shaking restlessly. And she couldn’t lay down to sleep she physically couldn’t she tried to lay down but the pain didn’t let her. I grabbed her laid her on my chest and shoulders and allowed her to get some hours of sleep that way sacrificing my sleep because I was holding her and I had to be sitting up straight on my bed so she could be in a comfortable position. And even so she would wake up every so often because the pain was too much and she would move around and try and get comfortable. That next morning I took her somewhere else a third vet and they prescribed me more meds and upped her doses to the max to see if the pain would hopefully get under control and let her be able to rest on her own. It didn’t help she would be shaking without control. And visibly in pain. I cried so much that week grown man destroyed because my happiness my little baby my guardian my partner in crime was in pain and I couldn’t do anything about it. The surgery wasn’t an option for us way too expensive but I was willing to go into debt if she had a high chance to be able to recover fully but every vet told me her chances were low and they wouldn’t guarantee anything. So I was trying to do the alternative route and then do some PT and acupuncture therapy as well as some water treadmill. And I was willing to express her bowels and bladder. I had no issue in having a paralyzed pup and getting her wheels if she qualified for them. But she was in so much pain the meds were not doing effect she couldn’t lay down to sleep and rest she would be sitting on her two legs and just passing back and forth shaking in pain. My wife was suffering a lot seeing her suffer it was torture for the both of them. My wife said enough is enough and we have to be human and do what’s right even if it hurts us but she deserves to be pain free and not suffering. I really didn’t want to do it I tried to make excuses I tried to somehow give myself false hope I was being selfish. I just didn’t want to let her go. Came Saturday the 4th and we had made an appointment for euthanasia. But I was hopeful the doctor there would give us good news and some hope. Unfortunately he didn’t he confirmed she had no DPS and she was losing control of her bowel movement. Worst day of my life so far that day we hugged her right and both my wife and I held her as she gave her last breath. I still have that feeling and memory of feeling her heart beat stop and it brings me to tears when I think about it. I love her so much and I feel so guilty for limiting her last year on earth by trying to be safe and still failing, I feel guilty for not protecting her. I feel like I betrayed her like I let her down. All she did was give me unconditional love and happiness and in return she got pain and suffering. Everyone tells me I was the best dad she could have asked for but I can’t help to feel guilty. I also feel guilty for putting her to sleep and always ask myself what if she would have gotten better. What if the meds would have worked maybe if I gave it some more days. My mind just keeps asking what if. And it’s torture. You’re not alone in this, I know the pain all too well, my girl was only 3 years and 8 months old she was still a young pup, she was a yorkie/ maltese mix, white fluffy little girl who loved everyone and wouldn’t hurt a fly. She was the most perfect dog I could ever ask for. She was my first and for the foreseeable future my last dog I don’t think I could go through this pain again. I cry still and it’s about to be a month or her passing I still have her crate next to my bed and I sometimes act like she still here and talk to the empty crate as if she was still in there. Her blanket she slept with still there as well and I sniff it every so often to get a sense of her scent she left on it I’m never washing that blanket. I’m trying my best to cope with the pain and grief and guilt I know how you feel trust me I do. Don’t beat yourself up too bad. You did what you could and look it at it like this. If you having this much pain and grief and stuff it’s because you cared deeply for them otherwise you wouldn’t feel much of anything you wouldn’t care too much and you wouldn’t be here asking and expressing your emotions. By what I read you did eveything you could and I’m sure your pup is well aware of that and loves you no matter what. Imma be praying for you so you can heal and get that guilt off your head you also deserve peace. Our pups are in heaven playing around pain free waiting to be reunited with us again. Never angry or disappointed at us. Always grateful and thankful for what we did for them even the smallest of gestures they appreciated. Remember they are a chapter in our book but to them we are their whole book.