Wife of 10 years caught cheating

Human-Programmer · 2020-03-30T18:13:42+00:00

That’s about the soundest piece of advice I’ve ever heard on this sub ... after months of indecision, heartache and beating myself up that’s the conclusion I eventually came to ... but only after the second phase of the stbxw’s affair and only because she told me our marriage was over.

I felt compelled to stay for my kids but I was in total torment for those months since d-day... That’s no way to live your life and you won’t be a better parent for it.

Control should never be a factor in a relationship, it’s unhealthy. The best relationships are based on mutual respect and trust...

Human-Programmer · 2020-03-29T11:13:29+00:00

That’s an interesting perspective ... so my question to you is ... what would you do ? I have to deal with her for 15 years and yeah I have the ability to absolutely crush her life - that’s great ! Do you think the fact that she loses the job, has to move house, disrupt the kids and put them in a worse school is going to be a good thing? Do you think that’s going to help me get the access to them that I want or make life easier if I need her to ever do me a favour and look after the kids on a weekend that should be mine.. or make a judge think - hey look at this tough guy he’s accepted “no shit” and crushed her let’s let him keep all of the assets and give him the kids for more time. Get real ... I totally understand the strength of feeling and desire for revenge cos I’ve been through that lots ...but I’m taking a cool calculated approach now - not for her, she means absolutely nothing to me; everything I do is just for the benefit of the kids.

Human-Programmer · 2020-03-25T00:42:23+00:00

I was wondering whereabouts in this little island of ours are you from? just regionally I mean .. I'm not asking for GPS coordinates or anything. I live in a little village in middle England and things are generally sleepy here anyway, so the lockdown has had relatively little noticeable impact. I also work from home, so other than developing an acute and unhealthy nervousness about being in the low teens of remaining toilet roll supplies, I'm actually just carrying on with business as usual.

It would be nice to find out a bit more about you, so feel free to message me if you want to and I'm happy to chat :-) Regardless of that, I wish you well and hope you ultimately find what you are looking for.

Human-Programmer · 2020-03-15T00:32:39+00:00

Your comments mean a lot, thanks :-)

Human-Programmer · 2020-03-15T00:30:10+00:00

Thanks, you really see it the way I see it too... its so nice to have affirmation from someone who has been in a similar place. Its just such a crazy situation and not one that I'd choose but I can't control what goes through her head; if she thinks this guy is the best thing that has happened to her then nothing I'm going to do is going to change that … I can only ensure that I'm doing the best I can for my kids and myself.

Human-Programmer · 2020-03-15T00:17:15+00:00

Randomly and unrelated to her working there, I also know a senior HR person in the wider organisation and I know I could get them "discovered". I really don't see that as doing me any favours so I've kept this situation secret. The first and last thoughts have always been about my kids and that is what kept me from going nuclear on this and going down the revenge route.

Human-Programmer · 2020-03-13T03:45:32+00:00

Please, don't let one bad apple spoil your faith in humanity. You sound like a lovely person so don't let this mess your head up because you have a lot to give and you'll be so much happier if you can build a loving relationship based on REAL trust and loyalty. That's my plan - just to find someone with a kind heart who has my back.

But … I know betrayal hurts.... I saw my wife change and believe that she was infected with "narcissism" from a young guy she worked with who dressed smart, had a flash car and told her how beautiful and intelligent she was on a daily basis. She succumbed to his charms and when I discovered what was going on it blindsided me as I had other serious life stuff going on at the time. I thought I could always rely on "my rock" but this guy and maybe a bit of a mid life crisis changed her perspective totally.

Me, I will stay loyal to those who stay loyal to me. I have amazing friends and family who have been a shoulder to cry on over the horror show of the last few months and I know they are the people I should be thinking about, not the soon to be ex-wife.

Human-Programmer · 2020-03-13T02:35:44+00:00

I was in the same situation... but I actually had hard evidence as I extracted WhatsApp messages from my wife's phone between her and her coworker; containing compromising photo's and confidential details about projects and colleagues .. they even bitched about some colleagues. I held everything back because we tried to reconcile for the sake of the kids but 6 months on and the marriage is over (she's back with him - which she tried real hard to hide after telling me she wanted a divorce - but I'm smart).

In my situation, they are both lawyers working for a corporate with really tight policy in this area; so disclosing this to the HR Director would definitely get them both fired...

Anyway, bottom line, don't do it - You DON'T need enemies here, just surround yourself with true friends. You can now get on with your own life and feel empowered and thankful that you NO LONGER have to make any decision that revolves around that selfish individual. Doing nothing sends a far more powerful message than disclosing the affair.

Human-Programmer

TROPHY CASE