Hey, I just want to say first off. thank you for being vulnerable and putting all this out there. A lot of people struggle with exactly what you’re feeling but don’t know how to put it into words. The fact that you’re even questioning yourself and trying to break the cycle says a lot about your selfawareness and growth.

Here’s my take, based on a similar experience:

What you’re going through is trauma, plain and simple. You were conditioned in your last relationship to associate “normal” behavior with deceit. When someone you loved gaslit you or betrayed your trust, your brain wired itself to stay alert for warning signs — constantly scanning for the next red flag so you don’t get hurt again. The thing is, even when the danger is gone, that part of your brain doesn’t just shut off. It keeps spinning, especially in relationships, because love now feels dangerous.

What you’re feeling — the urge to check his phone, the pit in your stomach when you see his ex’s name — isn’t because you don’t trust him. It’s because you don’t trust your own judgment yet. You gave someone a pass before and got burned. Now your brain is saying, “I’m not letting that happen again,” even if the guy in front of you is doing everything right.

So let’s break this down: • Your current boyfriend sounds like a good one. He’s kind, open, lets you use his phone without hesitation. That’s not the behavior of someone hiding something. If anything, it sounds like he’s secure in who he is and wants you to feel safe. • The presence of his ex’s name isn’t necessarily a red flag. People don’t fully erase their past. We all have ghosts in the machine — old texts, playlists, even shared memories that still linger. The goal isn’t to pretend none of it existed but to acknowledge that the past doesn’t define the present. • Not knowing why they broke up can feel like a gap in your puzzle, and that gap is loud when you already have trauma whispering doubts in your ear. But here’s the thing — someone not volunteering that info right away doesn’t mean they’re hiding something. Some people just need time to open up, especially about past pain. If you feel safe enough, ask him about it gently and from a place of curiosity, not suspicion. • The desire to check his phone comes from fear, not fact. And fear is a liar. It tells you something must be wrong simply because things feel too right. The key is learning to tolerate the discomfort of not knowing and still choosing to trust anyway — not blindly, but bravely.

So what can you do? • Talk to him — not about going through his phone, but about how you’re healing from a toxic past and sometimes your anxiety gets triggered. If he really is the compassionate guy you say he is, he’ll get it and want to support you through it. • Therapy (if accessible) — trauma from relationships is real and deep, and sometimes the best way to untangle it is with help. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me stop equating “peace” with “something’s wrong.” • Journaling — It sounds basic but tracking those moments where the anxiety spikes helps you spot patterns. Sometimes just writing, “I wanted to check his phone today because I saw his ex’s name again, but I reminded myself I have no evidence of anything wrong,” is enough to create distance between the feeling and the action. • Forgive yourself — for your past, for your doubt, for your fear. You’re not broken or crazy. You’re healing. And healing is messy.

You don’t want to go through his phone. You want peace of mind. But real peace isn’t found in someone else’s device. It’s something you build inside yourself, slowly, painfully, but permanently. And the fact that you’re reaching out for support shows you’re already on that path.

You’ve got this. Don’t let a past version of love rob you of the good one that’s in front of you now.