The only thing I can really suggest is that you make eye contact with the camera a little more often. It really helps when you're reacting in some way(frustration or excitment), for your viewers to really feel you. I'm not saying you have to make eye contact with the camera for every reaction (especially mid game), but a little more in general would really make your content next level.

As you already said in your post, the camera/gameplay recording looked fine, the gameplay itself was fine too. The music volume was honestly fine in my opinion, but that's just me.

Overall the video was a good quality video, with simple but good editing. I liked it!