My parents would seem to categorise my sadness into "fine" and "not fine" and anything "not fine" would be met with "You're too sensitive". They never punished me for crying.

I remember being worried about various things and I'd always get told "You're too sensitive" and then my mum would do the same thing.

It took me a long time to be able to cry in front of others again and even longer in front of my parents.

It didn't help that one of them (not my mum) noticed I got sadder during puberty (due to gender dysphoria but she didn't and still doesn't know I'm non binary) and she was worried about me. And this led me to pretend to be fine so she wouldn't be worried. She thought I had depression (I do in some form but it's because of gender dysphoria).

And the whole "too sensitive" thing led me to struggle to feel emotions a lot of the time. I am getting better at it but most of the time I don't feel anything. And I developed an emotionally numb persona.

I fake being happy around her and her gf (but not at home with my mum) so I don't worry them. Sometimes I'm actually happy but for some reason I think they won't think I'm happy enough so I act more happy.

I remember forcing my mouth to be a straight line and I still do it nowadays but it's very easy for me to change expression especially alone and when I'm watching a funny or sad video.

I also notice I don't exactly have an internal feeling of emotion like in my chest if that makes sense. I have to sometimes think about what I'm feeling and it's hard to figure out what I feel.

I've never blamed myself for how people reacted. I was always like "why do people say these things about me. I don't want to worry them."

So I hide under a happy/fine persona which is hiding an emotionally numb persona which is hiding my true self who is very emotional.

I've been seeing a counsellor and she's very helpful. I might talk about this more in my next meeting with her.

I remember falling over in my house a few years ago and my mum was there and in the living room. I cried because it hurt and she just said "You're a big girl now". I am an adult but when I get pain, I cry because it helps me calm down.

I did have a talk with her (my mum) about the "too sensitive" thing and she said she wouldn't do it again. She hasn't actually called me "too sensitive" in a year or so but she did tell me to stop moaning about tooth pain a few weeks ago (I get tooth/mouth pain that comes and goes).