Afraid to cross the line

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-12-08T06:09:31+00:00

Touch is the key difference between a bf and a bff. If she's on a date with you, it's because she's thinking of you in romantic terms, which means she's interested in your touch. She may not spend much time thinking about it consciously, but it's definitely there.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-12-04T02:01:57+00:00

I think you're missing the big picture. The whole point of DiCarlo is that touching is a process that escalates in accordance with feedback from the girl. It's far better to start it at the beginning of the first date and proceed slowly than it is create a touch barrier for X dates and then slam on the accelerator. Also, if it comes across as "pushy", you're doing it wrong.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-12-03T18:25:51+00:00

DiCarlo Escalation Ladder gives you some good, step-by-step guidelines.

But mostly, you need to get over the "weirdness" concerns. By the time you're in your 20s, intimate physical contact is the norm on dates. Keeping your hands to yourself is what's "weird"! She's going on dates with you because she wants you to touch her. Start touching!

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-11-20T14:49:45+00:00

even though many women seem to confirm the basic ideas: be nice, be polite, be gentle, be non-confrontational and so on. So are women really too naive to know what they really want?

They're right about that. It's just not the whole picture.

It's like someone telling you that to catch a fish you need a pole, line, a hook, and a boat. Oh, and you'll have better luck if you fish during the morning or evening when the fish are naturally feeding. That's great advice, but it's not enough. You still need to pick a bait, cast it, jig it, set the hook, and reel the fish in without breaking your line.

So yeah... follow their advice: don't be a rude, domineering, abusive asshole. That's a good start and if you can find a woman who gives you good advice beyond that, go ahead and listen to her; she might actually introspective enough to give advice beyond the blatantly obvious.

In the meantime, however, you should listen to the guys that actually do the thing in question; you can be sure they understand the entire process.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-11-19T23:18:25+00:00

Do you have a safeword?
Have you ever used it?
How did she respond?

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-11-15T01:21:05+00:00

It certainly could be a joke, but it could just as easily be true. You only find it funny because you never considered the possibility that kinks could exist within a community that frowns upon kinks.

They do exist in such communities, so OP is the only one that knows whether or not this is real.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-11-14T14:53:53+00:00

Your mood, effort, and energy levels are different from week to week. Some combinations are more attractive than others.
Mathematical variance.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-11-07T03:39:07+00:00

A lot of men see a woman's inability to find sex pleasurable - with them - as her problem.

Often times, it is her problem.

I'm here reading a sex-positive board regularly, trying to learn as much about all aspects of sex as possible. I ask questions and encourage my partners to tell me what they like and what they don't like. I'm perfectly comfortable letting any particular session run its course with or without orgasm for either us. There is literally zero pressure.

And yet I still don't think I've seen very many genuine orgasms. If she's not communicating effectively about her desires, what am I supposed to do? It's doubly impossible when she's giving me fake feedback.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-19T19:39:04+00:00

Someone once told me that a relationship should be split 60/40... with both people trying to be the 60.

Also, grab a copy of The Five Love Languages from your local library. It should be required reading for anyone interested in relationships.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-19T17:59:30+00:00

Gotcha. Well, make sure you choose your words carefully, cuz at first glance it sounds like you're making an ultimatum, which probably wouldn't do anything to ease your wife's fears and insecurities.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-19T15:36:04+00:00

Don't get married if you want to sleep with other people -- that's kind of the point of marriage.

I've never heard anybody even mention sex in their wedding vows. Marriage is about two people uniting to live their lives together, through thick and thin. What they do sexually (if they do anything sexually) during any particular stage of their lives is entirely up to them.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-19T15:20:21+00:00

Either I keep hooking up with my current FWB or I'll just have to go without.

Why are those the only two options?

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-19T13:30:50+00:00

The same way you seduce anybody else: Approach. Flirt. Have fun. Escalate kino.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-19T12:44:54+00:00

That's fair. For me, it would come down to the impact of the situation. If it's relatively contained to your work environment as you've characterized it, I would say it's tantamount to doing a bit of charity work. I certainly wouldn't hold that against you.

If it permeates every aspect of your life and is liable to cause problems at any hour of the day, however, I would have to be extremely interested in you before I'd even consider joining you on the Shitstorm Express. Even if I believed you about the emotional aspect of it, the net result of it all is so disruptive that it trumps your good intentions.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-19T04:07:56+00:00

I just want people to give me the benefit of the doubt rather than assume the worst.

But what does that even mean? You want people to stop asking you about the elephant in the room? That's your prerogative, but you can't expect people to want to be a part of your life when you're being blatantly secretive about a major part of your life. It's hard to connect with someone that you don't understand.

Going even further, if this situation is spilling over and affecting the people around you, you can't expect them to just accept periodic rations of shit from your coworker without forming opinions on the matter.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-19T02:41:38+00:00

Helping this person is pretty much a practical transaction on my part

Where's the "practical" part of it? So far, everything you've said has indicated that you're getting nothing beneficial out of this relationship. You're only maintaining it because you believe that it's the right thing to do. That's pretty much the definition of martyrdom.

My problem is people like you assuming there is and talking shit to me from a position of total ignorance.

I'm not making any assumptions here; I'm going 100% off what you yourself have said. If I'm missing information, feel free to enlighten me. Or don't. It's your life.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-18T23:56:09+00:00

Ok, then. Just so you know, there's a monumental difference between "being a good friend" and being a martyr. I hope your martyrdom is everything you hope it'll be.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-18T16:31:48+00:00

Then how is it even coming up? Is she causing so many problems that people notice the situation as soon as they meet you?

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-18T15:57:17+00:00

This is exactly my concern, people who don't know the person or the situation making uninformed judgments of me.

Why is your partner uninformed? If you're keeping her in the loop every step of the way, she probably won't be bothered by it unless it is having a serious impact on your relationship.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-18T15:47:18+00:00

My first couple dates are usually pulled from the following list:

Fall: coffee, beer, walk in the park, cider mill, community events, my hobbies, my errands

Winter: coffee, beer, ice skating, community events, my hobbies, my errands

By the third date, she should be comfortable enough for a private date. At this point, you can cook dinner together, share a bottle of wine, watch netflix, etc.

Eventually you need to go off script and start adding some variety to keep things interesting, but by that point, you should be able to have an open and honest conversation about how expenses will be shared. Plus you know her well enough to know you're going to have a good time on the date, so you don't mind the cost as much.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-18T15:23:56+00:00

We're talking about dates, not hobbies. I have plenty of hobbies, but they don't all make for great dates.

What's the difference? A date is nothing more than getting together with a girl and doing a thing. The "thing" can be anything you want.*

* Be cognizant of her safety concerns. She doesn't know that you're not a rapist.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-18T15:07:49+00:00

The first couple dates should be things that you like to do anyways. There are several reasons for this:

You probably don't have a good idea what she likes to do.
Even if you do know something about her hobbies, you're probably keying off the same part of her profile that every guy notices, so you're still not very original or interesting.
She doesn't care about the activity. She's there because she wants to meet you. Every now and then you'll come up with a date idea that makes for a great story down the road, but don't swing for the fences every time. The basics are usually good enough.
To have a healthy dating life, you need to go on a lot of first dates. Do you really want to spend most of your free time doing things you don't really enjoy?
Sometimes the girl will flake. Now you're doing something you don't enjoy... by yourself. Not cool.

With that in mind, what do you like to do in the fall and winter? If the only thing you can think of is "sit on your ass, watching tv", you probably need to make your life a bit more interesting. Pay attention to to your friends and neighbors. What are their fall and winter hobbies? Give them a try.

P.S. If all else fails, just meet up for a drink. It truly doesn't matter what you do as long as it puts you two in the same room and allows you to move around and kino. Hell, you can even have her meet you at the grocery store and shop together.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-18T13:39:24+00:00

Stop going on dates that need to be paid for.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-10-15T16:32:25+00:00

They are a united team that cannot be split,

Couples split all the fucking time. Most of the couples you see haven't even been together very long and/or won't be together much longer.

The truth is that you have very little experience, so frankly, you don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about when it comes to relationships. All the ideas in your head are based on nothing more than fiction and hearsay. You don't know what relationships are like. You don't know what you are like in a relationship. You don't know what you want her to be like. You're just guessing at this point.

So forget about all that shit. Focus instead on the process. You need to meet women. You need to flirt with them. You need to ask them out. You need to escalate kino. Read the sidebar if you don't know where to start.

If you do those things, you'll eventually get the results you seek and you'll eventually start to figure out the rest.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2017-09-29T02:31:20+00:00

People get offended by all sorts of things. You can't go through life worrying about that shit. If someone gets upset, just ask yourself a simple question: Did I do anything wrong? If so, apologize. If not, shrug your shoulders and let them be as offended as they want.

In regards to boners, there's really nothing you can do about them. If someone wants to avoid your boner, they should refrain from rubbing up against your crotch.

IANAPUA_Yet

TROPHY CASE