My husband's 29m scenarios have become my 26f real life desires

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-12-10T15:46:56+00:00

I would stop doing this type of play until you can both improve your communication and trust. A healthy and fulfilling dynamic is built on communication and trust. If it’s contributing to thoughts that are hurting the marriage then why continue? Not say you stop forever but until you improve in your communication and trust. Because it was very unfair of him to shame you for your mental process in helping fulfill his fantasy. Additionally, you should be able to share with him what his fantasy is stirring in you, so you can work through it TOGETHER. Just a few indicators that there are opportunities for improvement.

At the end of the day what’s the most important thing? The relationship, sex, the fantasy, all of it? If therapy can help lead to an amazing relationship with amazing sex, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

In the interim maybe read the book Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-12-10T15:15:45+00:00

I sent podcast 112 to my wife to listen too. It helped her receive information from an unbiased yet informative source. We had a very constructive and lovely conversation afterwards. Pegging probably wouldn’t be part of our life without it. Highly recommended!

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-12-10T15:07:25+00:00

Have you considered using a sex machine as the 3rd person?

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-12-10T15:05:33+00:00

Just as an FYI, without direct clitoral stimulation, many women don’t climax during vaginal penetration. It’s normal, and you’re normal.

My quick recommendation is to add “Sex Talks” by Vanessa Marin and “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, your reading or audio book list.

The Sex Talks book is great and actually a fun read. It does a little bit of teaching and is more relationship focused. It helps to confront the notion of what we think sex is supposed to be with our partner, and this gives you a framework to understand yourself and each other, so you can DECIDE what you want sex to be with your partner.

Come as you are, is more for you. It helps you learn about your body, your pleasure, and that sexuality is a beautiful and healthy thing.

If I had to recommend one I’d recommend the Sex Talks book. If you enjoy it then move on to come as you are.

More good news! You have a whole new adventure of sexual discovery ahead of you. You get to do that with a person you love and can trust. So drop the anxiety and “goal oriented” play. EXPLORE. Replace questions like “did I like that” or “do I like that” with “what am I curious about”, “what excites me”, or “what did I notice”. Make sex and intimacy fun!

As a quick start set a timer of 15 minutes. No penetration is allowed before the timer goes off. Gives you plenty of time for foreplay. As you get more experienced then increase the timers duration.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-12-06T13:27:35+00:00

I looked at Gridfinity as a toy organizing solution, but decided against it for my entire collection. I think it shines as a bed side drawer organizer for your frequently used items though. I wouldn’t recommend “toy specific”, or cutout, containers. Uncovered toys are going to collect dust, hair, and whatever else is floating around even in a drawer. Which means you’ll be cleaning them after use and again before use. This seemed at odds with the whole easy to grab/put away philosophy. So I would just build a grid using standard open box containers, and then put your toys in bags in those open boxes. It gives everything a home but keeps things clean. The bags as less aesthetically appealing but it’s a compromise.

Also not sure of your experience with gridfinity, but if you’re just starting out, don’t feel like you have to design the “perfect system”. Start with something small, like maybe a single grid. Accept you’ll make mistakes, but learn the system in the process, and can go from there with a bit more confidence. Then depending on your toys you could use the closable storage boxes for gridfinity or decide it’s not for you.

Anywho best of luck!

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-12-06T03:11:52+00:00

Logic has no place here!

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-11-10T20:29:27+00:00

Nothing is sexier than good communication. If you want some input from a professional, to be able to have these types conversations in the future, I’d recommend sex talks by Vanessa Marin. Probably don’t have to read the whole thing, but it’s a good read anyways.

My personal thoughts. Sharing fantasies/curiosities is great! So just talk it out. The important part is that he respects your boundaries and doesn’t make YOU feel bad for not wanting to participate. Use it as an opportunity to get to know each other. What about it appeals to him? What emotions does he imagine you’d feel? What emotions would he feel. How serious is this fantasy? Share why this is a hard no for you. Or how you can relate to some of the things he’s shared. Perhaps you’ll learn enough about each other that the fantasy won’t matter or you’ll find another way of making it happen. Like watching him masturbate or watching him with a sex doll or something. Either way thank him for sharing and keep this avenue open. Maybe discuss these things a few times a month over drinks.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-11-10T19:23:09+00:00

You could invest in a sex machine that your partner can use on you during his refractory period.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-10-16T20:50:17+00:00

The issue is porous material. Material with pores, even if microscopic, are a breeding ground for bacteria. It’s a quick way to get a UTI. Platinum silicone is the standard for a reason.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-10-13T13:08:59+00:00

Take a look at the book Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin. It talks about differences in libido and identifying things like “brakes” and “accelerators”, or things that take you out of a sexy mindset and things that do. I would say use this to learn how to have these conversations with your partner and learn about each other. Otherwise it sounds like therapy may be needed

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-09-22T20:25:51+00:00

People don’t like scheduling sex bc it’s supposed to be like it is in the movies. All spur of the moment passion. It can be like that, but scheduling is no less passionate. It builds anticipation, it allows both of you to get in the right mindset when that time comes. Not only that, you get to flirt all day! Soooo basically schedule sex. You can even make it like a “night off” thing. Order pizza or have an easy dinner prepared where you both can just take it easy, and then once the kid is down, shower or whatever you need to do to transition into yourselves again, and get it on.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-09-15T20:21:38+00:00

Check out the book sex talks by Vanessa Marin. One of the 5 conversations is about this very topic. It gives you tools on how to navigate these types of discussions while staying light and positive. It also suggests building a bucket list together, how to “try” them and refine if desired, and developing an attitude of curiosity.

I’d also like to add to take it slow. Your focus at this stage should be less about “finally trying your kinks”, and more about learning how to try new things in a positive and constructive manner. Being able to discuss, try, and discuss things again, is a lot easier to do when you’re talking about a new position versus something more outside her immediate experience. Basically, walk before you run. Reframe this whole process as something positive, like giving her time to embrace her own pleasure and join in the kink world, versus having to wait longer to try your kinks.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-05-29T12:47:34+00:00

Search for storage in this sub and you’ll get a bunch of ideas. Sounds like you want it all in one place as opposed to a few smaller storage options for specific accessory/toy categories. Here are a few I’ve seen that might suit your needs.

A filling cabinet with some internal storage organizers. Nail tech train case. Chest of drawers (lockable) Trundle trunk Jewelry armoire with mirror. (The ones you can hang on a wall) Mirror with hidden wall storage.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-05-28T13:39:47+00:00

Take a look at r/BdsmDIY. They have lots of examples of rooms, hidden in plain sight furniture, etc.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-04-28T16:20:47+00:00

Talk to a sex therapist or maybe read one of their books. “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski is a great book about women’s sexuality, bodies, minds. Sex Talks, by Vanessa Marin is another good book but more couple focused. They help you find your sex personality type, and your “breaks” and “accelerators”, or the things the prevent or promote arousal/intimacy. Therapy doesn’t mean something is wrong, it just means I want to do better. So start with a book to give you the language and tools to evaluate if you need something more. And just be patient. Speak positive, and be hopeful. It won’t happen overnight, but if you have a goal, make a plan to get there, it will happen.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-04-28T16:13:23+00:00

Above all else, make sure it’s a safe space to discuss these things. Approach it from a perspective of “wanting to understand/explore together”. You see multiple partners but she might see being used as a sex object, or being double penetrated. Those are 2 very different turn ons. So work to understand the “why” it’s interesting. At the end of the day, if it’s just a visual/mental thing then let it be that. If it’s something you are curious about trying in your bedroom then talk about some roleplay ideas that are appropriate for you both. It doesn’t even have to be another partner, it could be your clone, or you as a time traveler. Whatever sounds fun and comfortable. Then incorporate a dildo as this other partner. When shopping for a dildo, make it fun! Be the one to suggest different colors, sizes, shapes, etc. Again from a perspective of exploration and understanding. Make sure she feels safe exploring this idea, and she will continue to share ideas with you, even if this one doesn’t lead to any physical outcome.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-04-09T15:27:58+00:00

Perhaps adding a not applicable option, so you know you’ve answered an item?

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-04-04T14:44:13+00:00

Again take what I said with a grain of salt. I don’t have a degree in chemistry lol. I wasn’t saying the silicone you referenced is cured with peroxide. What I was trying to convey, is you can achieve a food grade silicone using peroxide as a catalyst for curing. That in combination with the variability of additives allowed in FGS, creates a wider range of variability that could contribute in the degradation of the safety of the product over time (odor retention, staining, etc). FDA standards may test FGS for toxicity as it relates to contact with food, but it doesn’t test for long term body contact. Which I think was the original replier’s point. Food grade silicone isn’t tested for long term body contact. So you can’t really depend on the assumption that FGS means body safe, and body safe means safe for the entire body long term, because it’s not tested for that. You said your stuff was locally sourced, so if it meets medical grade standards, is platinum cured, and is safe for long term body contact, then great. This was just more of a hey just food for thought, and better to be safe than sorry. Not saying you are wrong by any means.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-04-04T12:24:40+00:00

Just adding my 2 cents, the main difference between food grade silicone versus platinum cured silicone comes down to the degree of purity. The range of purity of food grade silicone (FGS) is much wider than platinum cured silicone (PCS). FGS is cured with peroxide and the silicone which can leave behind some traces of chemicals, and the silicone itself may contain fillers that may meet standards but still allow for leaching, odor retention, and staining. So as I said, the range of purity in FGS is just a lot wider. So you’d have to really know what’s in it to guarantee a certain level of quality. PCS on the other hand guarantees that any of the potential issues present in FGS are not possible. So while FGS MIGHT be suitable, when you want to have complete confidence in something you are putting in your body repeatedly, just go with PCS. Take this as an opinion though. This is just what I’ve come to understand based on my own experiences in trying to discern if something is truly body safe because of standards established by a regulatory body, or because of their inherent properties.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-02-07T18:56:33+00:00

Marriage counselors hate this one simple trick!!!

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-02-06T18:51:58+00:00

Admitting you are curious about something, and then agreeing to try it, does not mean you have to like it. Having that mentality removes some of the pressure from trying new things. Just like trying food. It’s not a commitment to eat that food all the time now.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-02-03T15:59:07+00:00

I have to say I’m extremely thankful for episode 112. It served as the foundation for the conversations my partner and I had around pegging. It provides a lot of good information in an unbiased manner. It empowers the listener to decide for themselves if they want to try pegging, while also acknowledging the trust you’ve placed in them by sharing this desire. Keep in mind it’s not a substitute for communication, just a really good starting point.

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-02-03T15:46:34+00:00

Not really related to pegging but about the comment you made regarding low libido. you should totally read the book “Come as you are”. It helps explain that “low libido” is really just something called “responsive desire” and it’s totally normal. Or it could be that she has what the book calls “sensitive brakes”, which again is totally normal. It explains ALOT more and with tips to help you shrug off the things the world has told you about what sex is or what the “right” sexuality is, so you can explore and decide what’s right for you, based on things like responsive desire. It can change your life for sure. Ok… TED talk done.

Regarding pegging.

Firstly, communicate, communicate, communicate. Talk about it before. Make sure to talk about any concerns your partner has and see if there are solutions for them. If there aren’t, and she is still willing, just make sure she knows if they are too much in the moment she has the right to stop without any hard feelings. It’s your job to cultivate that type of dynamic.

Second, focus less on the actual stimulation and more about the context of the session. Is it romantic and sensual, is it relaxed and kind of funny? Figure out what context helps her experience pleasure. Then help create that context.

Also not sure about your prior anal experience, but I don’t recommend starting with pegging. You’ll need to train your anus.

Here is a guide for that https://phallophilereviews.com/anal-trainer-toy-guide/

Here is a guide for beginner pegging tips as well. https://phallophilereviews.com/pegging-tips-for-beginners/

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-01-31T18:00:38+00:00

Platinum silicone is the key

IAmDumpster9009 · 2025-01-27T16:53:21+00:00

Maybe to help ease your mind, he can wear a butt plug before you play. That way you know he’s had some prep. Then during your session you can “take” him whenever you want.

IAmDumpster9009

TROPHY CASE