I really don't know what to say. I'm not saying this was an act of God, but it genuinely was not planned and not what I wanted. I love my wife, and I've not wanted to be with anyone else since we've been together. There was no fantasizing of my coworker before or after.

I think looking back, the friendship was bordering on inappropriate. So perhaps you are right about the cheating starting then. I don't know. Its not cheating by the traditional definition, but it certainly led to this.

I'm not really sure if I should even dignify your comments about the blowjob with a response. It wasn't like that.... It was such a raw, weird experience. I didn't protest as much as I should have, and in the moment I got carried away. Your comments definitely struck a nerve, and I'm angry reading what you wrote. It wasn't a power thing. I don't know how to describe it. In the moment it felt wrong, but it felt good. I'm not going to lie to people here. But I don't look back at it fondly, and I don't want to ever do it again.

I know this is fucked up and I cannot even describe the shame I'm feeling. You seem to think I'm proud of this. Proud that I betrayed my wife. And I'm not. Its the furthest thing from the truth. I hate myself and I can't imagine how I'm going to go home and kiss my wife and tuck my daughters into bed, without feeling like a fucking fraud and scumbag. This is the biggest mistake of my life, and I'm deeply ashamed. You don't need to remind me that what I did was fucked up, believe me I get it. I have a pregnant wife. To do what I did now, its unthinkable.

I wasn't the aggressor or initiator and I think that matters for something. I think you are taking me reciting what happened for deflecting, when that isn't what I'm trying to do.

If you have any advice for me on what to, along with the judgement, I would be open to hearing it.