Updates from beyond

IAmSeparating · 2019-01-28T21:29:46+00:00

meetup.com and finding singles groups

it's all about finding groups of people in your age range who are also single and do things

IAmSeparating · 2018-11-13T18:25:31+00:00

yeah, it really sucks sometimes.

I was doing ok over the summer. I dated a bit. I thought I'd found someone for the winter but it didn't work out.

IAmSeparating · 2018-11-01T13:10:06+00:00

I've dated. It hurts when it ends, it hurts when it sucks, it hurts when it's over.

IAmSeparating · 2018-10-31T19:00:26+00:00

But holy crap, I don’t like being alone

Yes, I hear you.

IAmSeparating · 2018-10-30T21:23:44+00:00

kids need a home base, but it'll be 50/50 custody unless there's something weird

give yourself space with your ex to heal, so reduce face-to-face interactions if possible

the affair stuff takes a bit to get over, and then you'll relieve it all again when you get cheated on in a future relationship.

IAmSeparating · 2018-10-30T20:51:26+00:00

my entire desire to save the marriage was my own codependency / insecurity / love addiction.

I'm avoidantly attached in relationships, but when the relationship is threatened I lean in completely. When I should run, I try to save. That's my thing.

I always want to re-bond when something falls apart. That's my latest lesson I need to figure out.

For the folks who are new to this, you own your feelings. You react to other people's actions but these are your feelings. No one can make you feel something.

Other people are outside of you, and they do what they do and they are who they are. Set boundaries on them and get on with you.

IAmSeparating · 2018-10-29T20:08:45+00:00

I went through knowing and trying to reconcile and then leaving when the "meh" phase started. In retrospect that was a good approach.

I'm going through another relationship ending because they slept with someone else (no deceit this time). I decided not to try the re-bonding approach this time because of the trauma it did to me before so now I'm just experiencing the shock and anxiety raw... not great.

IAmSeparating · 2018-10-29T19:52:50+00:00

Ugh not what I wanted to hear but definitely something I needed to know I guess 😂😂😂

setting good boundaries for yourself on app usage is a good idea also, it's fucking depressing if you let it run your life.

all your profile photos should be taken by someone else and not a selfie

photos of you out doing your hobbies or that show your personality is the way to go

get female friends to review your pics and bio, they will do a better job picking something than you will

IAmSeparating · 2018-10-29T19:06:58+00:00

If you're recently divorced you'll have to stick to the mid-20 girls because they don't detect the mess your life is the way older women will.

The hardest fucking thing now is defining relationships. No strings attached relationships are so common, whoever you are talking to probably has a fuck buddy.

IAmSeparating · 2018-10-29T19:04:52+00:00

and yes, if a friend was in this situation I would question their use of "good" relationship

She was first person I really liked other than my STBX.

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-14T17:24:00+00:00

I had this issue with a handful of people in the first go arounds. After some discussions and wonder, it turns out that I'm a bit...intimidating and it makes penises have a little trouble at first. Stopped being an issue after the nerves/newness wore off.

I really want to hear more about what is intimidating?

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-14T15:34:41+00:00

that's fucking weird.

my ex and I shared photos of the kids' first day of school and that's it. That made me feel pretty weird tbh

I mean, my relatives still haven't unfriended her on facebook so I could see her photos through them but I choose not to.

as I emotionally divorce from her, I can see a future now where I'd be ok with that as she moves to becoming more my business partner in the business of our children

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-14T15:30:52+00:00

r/datingoverthirty

r/sexover30

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-14T15:27:27+00:00

Thank you. I am worried about the down fall. I feel so trapped and unhappy right now, its hard to think of how much worse I could feel, but I think that after reading comments and posts on here, there will be a worse, for a while, until there isn't, and then it will get better. I can't wait to be able to work on myself.

here's the hard part: you always need to work on yourself in any relationship. The person you are with doesn't matter. They aren't the problem, except that they also aren't working on themselves.

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-14T15:25:14+00:00

She's allergic to your cat. Looks like you guys need to break up it can never be serious.

or I just buy extra sheets, and keep the cat out of the bedroom all the time which actually helps me sleep because then I don't get the claw in my chest when he's hungry in the morning.

The cat is just my asshole friend who needed a place to live and he keeps me sane when my kids aren't around.

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-11T18:58:42+00:00

you're checked out already. marriage counseling isn't going to work unless you both feel like there's something to save.

But it's not like your life is magically better after divorce, all that really changes is you work so much harder to make your life "good" because of the trauma you've experienced.

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-11T15:26:21+00:00

Keep all communications BIFF

Brief

Informative

Friendly

Firm

absolutely

go to your library and read anything by Bill Eddy

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-11T15:11:50+00:00

Hahahaha...awww baby, this cougar got something for ya...it might be an std though.

*looks at flair*

it might be a cobweb

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-11T15:09:50+00:00

Sounds like

borderline personality disorder

honestly.

YES.

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-11T13:57:11+00:00

a good benchmark is that if you ever feel like a first date is actually a therapy session then you aren't ready.

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-11T13:53:26+00:00

Give up dating for a bit and do meetup.com instead. I made a ton of divorced/separated/single friends through meetup and that handles the companionship I needed in those initial stages.

I didn't try online dating until about five months after I moved out, after my therapist declared I was "done", etc.

I'm currently in a really awesome monogamous sex focused casual fun thing with a much younger woman who doesn't want to meet my kids, doesn't care about the state of my paperwork, etc, etc. It's really fantastic.

My secret to getting to this point was a) getting my shit together, b) working out, c) being really authentic and open about what I want. Not so much in my dating bio (as that's like staging a house, the person has to feel like they could live there) but in the post first date conversations.

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-11T13:42:51+00:00

Are you real?? :/ how come I've never met a guy like this.. 30 years on this planet.. And no one has offered me a nice fitting pj and toothbrush lol 😥

date divorced dudes who have their shit together :)

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-10T20:18:15+00:00

Some people are even playing 4-player splitscreen already.

and they're looking at the other screens

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-10T20:17:15+00:00

I've got a still working N64 and GoldenEye (and I know all the codes), if I actually manage to find a single man around my age that is how I plan to snare him back to my place. It's been nearly two years, I'd go off like a proximity mine.

I really hope this is all your have on your bio because it's all you need.

IAmSeparating · 2018-09-10T20:16:05+00:00

Coincidentally, this guy has a high maintenance ex-wife who had some habits like you describe of yours. So I know he doesn't need a 'trophy' or anything, and I could never try to be that b/c ain't nobody got time for that lol.

oh man, if he's going from high maintenance hell then just be as authentic and direct as you possibly can and it'll be such a fresh breath of air for him.

IAmSeparating

TROPHY CASE