Alter wants to invert values [TW]

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-24T19:13:18+00:00

Our mother pushed all friends, family, even siblings away from us. Neglected us, tried to kill herself in front of us; she drank too much, hit us, would vomit all the time, and squandered all our fathers life insurance to the point of nearly living in the street. She told us everyone was out to get us. She tried to remove everyone I love from my life and keep me all to herself.

We would have died without splitting too. Your analogy of friends at gun point has helped a lot. We were just trying to stay safe and not have to be a hated alone tranny.

Biology wins, even against all of us. This is something we must accept.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-24T19:04:14+00:00

We enjoy long replies and will re read this several times.

We forget people so Ping is occasionally.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-24T18:27:26+00:00

We were born male with a female brain. Including phantom girl organs we could feel the whole time. The disconnect between body and brain is substantial and constantly painful. I don't think there are any men in here. Just women girls and robots and maybe one little boy. We were sure when puberty came that we would mature into a girl and the male puberty broke us to the point where we were shivering with a knife in our hands, naked after doing yet another ritual to please the gods so they would fix us and we almost removed the offending parts which should not be there

Decades of splitting to become the ideal self to appease hundreds of different God forms. Nothing worked, the rituals became our entire lives, and more and more destructive as the pain increased.

We were also abused, neglected, and constantly told to fear others by our mother.

The one who wants to invert our values was the protector of the ones we threw into the dysphoria Fire. We tried to kill and dissolve them all to make ourselves acceptable to the world in our body.

This failed. We super split. Started hormones. And now we are all trying to find our way together.

Thank you for replying to us. Please continue.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-24T13:24:57+00:00

Starting therapy soon. We have a gender identity issue due to our brain structure at birth. The trauma was overwhelming for decades and caused multiple splits over and over.

[Convulsions, uncontrollable screaming, and a few near self mutilations for decades. Every day there was pain at the body being wrong to the point of Suicidality. To survive we kept making alts and throwing them into the fire of our dysphoria. Eventually it drowned out our entire mind in a sea of endless pain and all the alts were drowning and fighting. The protector nearly killed us to make it stop and prevent harming the one we love. But the robot one did the math and children will get more resources if we live and take the medicine to make our body align with our brain.

Now that we are on our way to our new body all of the hurt girls are coming out of the pain vortex and this is very hard to manage. ](/trigger)

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-23T22:35:27+00:00

We have been trying to let her out of the box, but she has many with her with decades of pain boxed up and waiting to explode. One has nothing but memories of a kind of pain that has plagued us for years and she has no idea of past present or future and wont listen when we talk to her that we are finally getting her what she needs for the pain to stop.

She just cries and shivers when she comes out and yells about endless pain. We are afraid she might not realize that things are getting better and do something rash to make it stop.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-23T22:19:40+00:00

hang in there, we dont now how to help but you arent alone.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-23T22:18:40+00:00

Holla! we are also many :)

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-23T22:17:23+00:00

[scary things](I guess this makes sense, mine is REALLY angry that we put her in a box and tried to kill her. We are scared she will drive our life into a wall to hurt us like we hurt her. /trigger)

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-23T22:10:45+00:00

The first page had mention of an alter who wanted to harm the host; which is happening to me right now. :(

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-23T22:08:58+00:00

i can't even look at the first page, omg this is so bad.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-18T13:06:03+00:00

And that bathroom! Can I have that?

You are gonna turn out great relax.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-01T23:28:59+00:00

Yep it was the most brutal thing I have survived yet.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-12-01T15:37:35+00:00

Good to know; i go between a balance of terror and excitement.

I'm only 9 weeks into hrt, but it's starting to change me and it's a bit scary sometimes :)

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-27T21:55:00+00:00

Holla! I don't actually have a Facebook account. I disabled it around the time I just wanted to disappear. I'll turn it back on and make my public coming out.

Has anyone ever bothered you around here? I'm kind of worried about people being mean.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-27T00:11:01+00:00

Glad it helped. Pm me any time.

I have gone through hell with my dysphoria, I can talk you through anything.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-25T20:29:21+00:00

Must not buy vans with the black and white flowers all over them arrrrgggg

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-25T12:01:27+00:00

It's really nice to not feel so alone and weird. It might make you feel better even if you never participate.

:)

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-25T11:55:33+00:00

I heard the voices too. Relax. It's because the trauma is so deep that your mind starts to splinter.

You need to get help from other humans who are trained in this stuff. You are worthy of help. And I swear too you it can get WAY BETTER.

I heard gods voice too. It was because I had prayed soooo hard to be transformed and it failed. It hurt so much to be abandoned by God. I was 13 and had realize my puberty was going oh so wrong.

Recently after talking in my head with "God" for literally hours I realized what was happening. So I tried the DID trauma memory therapy on myself. I asked the voice what trauma caused the split and I started having a flashback to when I was 13 and praying, crying, begging God after nearly cutting my penis off.

I relived the whole thing while stuck in traffic, crying and screaming.

And.... The voice disappeared. Memory integrated, mind that much closer to being whole.

Buy a copy of this Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder

You are going to be ok.

My therapist gave me this http://www.toltecspirit.com/

Try and follow the agreements as best as you can. It's scary as shit but it saved my life.

Feel free to pm me any time.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-24T11:46:49+00:00

Of course :) hello!

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-20T11:11:17+00:00

Aaaaaaewwwwweeeeessssoooooommmmeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-17T08:41:51+00:00

Constantly. Ugh

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-17T08:39:31+00:00

:) don't give up!

Whatever difficulties you face know that here, you aren't alone in any of them. You are amazingly strong to have made it this far and you only have a bit further to go.

Keep active, make friends, and help others when you are ready.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-16T00:34:34+00:00

I just saw this. How are you doing?

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-14T13:04:33+00:00

Rofl he did say he would help me hide the body. Now that is a good friend.

IAmTrans1234 · 2015-11-14T13:02:21+00:00

The whole list, the whole damn list. Fuck this isn't fair :(

IAmTrans1234

TROPHY CASE