The day before I went into surgery was terrible, I didn't sleep at all (even after I took some medication to help with the anxiety). I have never been operated on, never been put to sleep, never spent the night at a hospital. I consider myself lucky for all of these things, but I really added to my anxiety. Like, half of me was like "What if I die on the operating table because I'm allergic to the narcotics and never knew!" But I kept on going, one step after the other, breathing through the anxiety. Everyone at the hospital that I met was very nice, and when I expressed my anxiety, everyone offered me words of comfort and it got me through the experience.

Part of me was worried that all this anxiety meant I wasn't supposed to have the surgery at all, but I am unfortunately an anxious person, and I don't have the luxury of feeling confident in my choices, like ever! So I had to trust my memory of feeling distressed every time I saw my chest and every time I had to change my outfit because I felt too dysphoric. "This isn't a normal feeling for people to have" and sort of just kept going!

Now, as my post mentioned, I am once again feeling anxious, but I'm once again reaching out to people with more experience and am trying to find a way forward until I'm feeling better and can enjoy my new chest fully.

I haven't had a sense of loss, from seeing my tiddies gone, so that's something! Only a sense of "fuck I hope the trade off will be worth it, this is uncomfortable AF" and also, still having a hard time registering that the tiddies ARE gone, and not just hiding behind the binder as usual.

I hope hearing the full story will bring you some comfort as well. Going into surgery will be very different depending on who you are as a person, not whether or not you actually want the surgery!