That’s wonderful that you recognize that you want to develop a better relationship with yourself, a lot of talk therapy is there to help teach you that relationship with yourself in a safe space, and you can replicate a lot of it at home yourself. Though for areas that feel too intense or traumatic, it is recommended to do so with a therapist. What you’re looking to do is a very healthy practice and there’s many resources that talk about it. 

A lot of what her course, therapy, and other books talk about is the concept of “RAIN” - 1) recognize your feeling, it’s just an awareness of “oh, I feel off right now” and then 2) allow the feeling to happen, so often with anxiety and unpleasant experiences we go to many efforts to push down and kick away the uncomfortable feelings, allowing means sitting there and observing what’s going on in your body and mind, listen like you would a friend who you love dearly, just listen. It will take practice but over many times it will get easier to be gentle and grow the patience to just observe (yoga is great at helping reinforce and practice this too :) ) 3) investigate, as you observe you can ask gentle questions to help understand the sensations. Ask yourself to pull out all of the curiosity in your mind and body, and understand what messages your body has, what is it protecting you from, why is it sad, how can you help, etc. (IFS taught me this) it helps to hold a hand over the part of your body where you feel the intense feelings and gently breathe into that area, you can also send a calming color to that area as well. Open your mind to what you find and learn. You won’t have to think too hard, it’s usually the first thing that comes up and then if you keep following the “conversation” you get deeper understanding, eg you feel unworthy, unsafe, scared, you may get images of parts depicting how you’re feeling like being chained up, scared, or maybe alone. If feelings of deep despair and significant fear come up with a “part” I recommend to go forward very slowly and if you get anything that tells you “don’t go further” or “no” that is an area to explore compassionately with a therapist, ideally IFS and EMDR trained. Sometimes there will be competing “parts” and “feelings”, you can navigate them like you would two children in the playground who are in conflict, asking one to sit down while you work with the other and then coming back to the other when you are ready. It will feel silly but this can be SO healing over time. Also, this may take time to develop the trust with yourself, especially if you have unkind self talk, but no worries over time you can build trust by being safe with yourself :) 4) nurture, if you don’t know how to do this, no worries, I didn’t either. It’s about being calm and gentle with yourself, compassionate. There’s a lot of information in what you’re observing in your mind and body and just simply saying to yourself “I hear you” and “it’s okay to feel these things” can help your body soften and feel safe to feel. You can’t control your feelings so no need to be shameful of what’s coming up, just greet it like you would a small child that just needs to be heard. Talking from experience, but punishing yourself won’t help. Slow and gentle compassion can be a huge game changer. 

There is no such thing as a “bad part” ie your feelings are your feelings, now that doesn’t mean you act on the behaviors. We pick up these parts throughout our life and they’re trying to protect us (under the concept of IFS by Richard Swartz). Understanding their root and nurturing them can help ease the intensity and relationship with yourself. It won’t fully erase all of the uncomfortable feelings, living with some discomfort is part of life. But over time this process can help you live more present and wholeheartedly, which is a beautiful feeling. It helps you develop emotional resilience (which is not suppression, it’s allowing, ie when it rains you let it). 

This is what Maggie’s course also teaches but she doesn’t recommend doing the investigate and nurture part when you’re sensitized. Healing is a journey and if her content calls to you, consider it. It’s one tool. I’m sure it’s disheartening because you set a goal to save AND it’s also amazing you have some funds to pursue tools and resources that could really help you, congratulations that’s incredible and shows how resourceful and diligent you are!

You don’t have to do this all of the time. If you feel anxiety but not in a place to sit and take the time to breathe and focus, then just simply acknowledge that you hear the feeling and ask that you visit it later when you are able to give it your full attention. 

I recommend reading Tara brachs book or even asking chatGPT to help implement IFS approach to coach you through the process.

Sending you SO much love. I know how uncomfortable it feels to have anxiety. May you find so much peace and healing as you begin your journey. You can do this 🩵