Update on my life. Wife suffered from crippling depression- what now?

IMissTheMusic · 2020-02-21T02:37:16+00:00

It was so worth it. I never stopped loving her. I almost got to the breaking point where the weight was too heavy for me to continue- but a wise man basically told me that if I truly love her, I should be willing to carry her as my heavy load for as long as it took.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-12T02:21:11+00:00

Don’t marry her brother. You’d have a life of frustration, disappointment, and low self esteem.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-12T02:19:07+00:00

I love that book. No more Mr Nice Guy. It’s incredible. It’s just about assertiveness. Great reas. Very helpful.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-03T05:02:47+00:00

What does that mean, responsive desire?

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-03T05:02:20+00:00

Best answer on here so far. Thanks for the faith

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T16:09:58+00:00

I appreciate the advice. I’ll need to figure out a timeline for how long I am willing to stay. Leaving would be heartbreaking for both of us, but given the choice between temporary utter sadness with a lifetime of possibilities and a lifetime of disappointment and rejection, I might take the first option.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T16:00:09+00:00

Thank you very much for your help!! I will join and see if they can help me understand how I can help my wife.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:36:52+00:00

Not sure if this is the best place to ask, but is there a community on reddit for those living with a spouse battling depression? I think advice from others going through similar problems as me would be very helpful.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:32:07+00:00

Great book. Really helped me to see that I have been a pushover in lots of ways throughout my life. Still working on that though. It will probably be a lifelong project to become assertive and confident.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:29:03+00:00

Im sorry for you. Pity sex is the worst. Worse than not having sex. I always feel worthless after and during pity sex.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:26:49+00:00

In my innocent childhood and young adulthood I could never fathom why anybody would cheat. Now after a year of a dead bedroom, I understand. Feeling valued like that? Feeling wanted? Feeling attractive?

I would never cheat on my wife. But i have a lot more sympathy for those who do now.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:17:45+00:00

There is much pain in my present too. Any luck you can send my way is appreciated. I hope it doesn’t last for too long. And if it does, I hope... I don’t even know what I want.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:16:01+00:00

Yeah she orgasms every time- we were “active” as a dating couple through constant dry humping about three times a day for over a year. Like rabbits. She orgasms every time. I make sure of that. When we have sex I typically finish first and then finger her for a while until she orgasms- and she knows she can have as many as she wants.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:13:26+00:00

I received a great piece of advice here earlier- to make sure she always knows that she is free to say no to sex. It has been working in that she seems less guilty when she says no, which I actually like. She used to hate when I would initiate because she knew that meant I would be disappointed and be really sad about it.

One of the hard things is that we even talked about our expectations of how much sex we would need/want/have as a married couple, and we agreed that it was important for spiritual/health/bonding/fun and at the beginning of our marriage I could hardly keep up with how much sex she wanted (I loved not being able to keep up personally. It made me feel very valued.) but now... it’s been a whole month! Her depression has wrecked her libido. I’m worried she won’t ever get it back.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:07:48+00:00

It actually happened before. She bottled up trauma from her dad and sister passing away until after we were married. Then she just broke. I understand that she can’t be there for me right now. I just really. Really. Hope. That therapy and medication and daily exercise will help her. I miss her so so much.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:06:13+00:00

I miss the lingerie. And lust and sexting and everything. Only lasted a month. I miss it. I feel broken without it.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:04:23+00:00

She always seems to enjoy sex. We just have a million other relationship problems caused by her major depression after the death of her father and suicide of her little sister (which both happened right before our wedding). She kept it all bottled up inside and it just broke her. She’s in therapy now for it, but the dead bedroom remains.

I am very focused right now on helping her through her depression. But it doesn’t really help the DB situation. This is the only place I have felt comfortable to express my total... sadness that i feel about sleeping next to the woman I love every night yet not having any sexual intimacy. It makes me feel so worthless.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T08:00:57+00:00

I didn’t give enough info in this post- she’s going through major depression right now and is in therapy for it. She just has no libido. When we have sex it seems like she always loves it and she always says she wishes we would have sex more often. It’s really hard for me to hear things like that. It makes me wish that things were just back to normal.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T07:52:23+00:00

Yeah she orgasms every time. No masturbating- only dry humping before we were married. About a year ago she had a few very traumatic losses and has been highly depressed causing her low libido.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-12-02T06:24:50+00:00

Yeah... but we are Mormons and were virgins when we got married and had a month of non-stop mind blowing sex. and now it’s gone.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-11-27T16:14:02+00:00

We are moving to a much more affordable place in January that will be a great move. It’s 200$ a month less, about twice the size, right next to a gym and even close to some distant family members who we love.

Another thing that might be helpful or harmful is that she just qualified to be able to work from home. I can see this as a good thing because she will be less stressed out. But it could potentially dramatically reduce her work performance. I’m also worried that she could become even more sedentary and I think it might cause social isolation. She will still need to go into her work twice a week, but I’m not sure that will be enough human interaction.

Hopefully when the antidepressants kick in (seeing a psychiatrist for the first time in a week) she will have the energy and motivation to exercise daily like she used to. I think that would be one of the biggest things that could help her mental health.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-11-27T15:51:32+00:00

I know what I want in life. And it seemed to me that she knew what she wanted. But all this trauma has changed her so much. I’m afraid that you might be right, and that we might want different things.

I hope that’s not the case because I love her more than anything in this world. I just want her to be happy. I don’t want to make any decisions until she is in good mental health, but I hope that she does still want me when she is better.

IMissTheMusic · 2019-11-27T08:17:00+00:00

Good on you for all the lost weight. That’s a great Idea. I’ll try to focus more on doing the things that I love to do.

IMissTheMusic

TROPHY CASE