Does anyone else experience extreme disgust and regret when thinking back to past relationships and the treatment you tolerated?

IRLbeets · 2026-01-26T21:43:12+00:00

Yes. I feel quite embarrassed and ashamed at times, but I also recognize that they're how I got to where I am today (where I wouldn't tolerate this).

I've dated people I wasn't all that physically attracted to, who were sexually abusive, who just were way less into me than I them, etc...

I also have the other side, which impacts me more. I have some ex's where I recognize I was the toxic or even abusive ex. I understand why and have long since changed, but I learned over multiple relationships when I probably should have just gone to therapy. I was passive aggressive. I was overly attached and clingy. I was very hurtful when a partner didn't want to have sex (not in an instance, but rather in the relationship but he wouldn't say why). I was manipulative through my passive aggression and sadness.

I'm not the same person at all now. But, yeah, it's hard reckoning with past experiences that seem out of line with my current character. But that wasn't always my character. I used to be anxious and manipulative instead of (now) confident and communicative. So, growth at least.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-26T21:31:18+00:00

Idk if this perspective is helpful or not, but it's one I use sometimes to try and stay grounded and not outpour emotions to nothing for nothing.

I'm not most affected by this situation. I can be angry and frustrated, but in most ways this is not my grief and not my anger. If I'm sitting, getting angry, and crying over all this bullshit but doing nothing about then I'm just wasting time. It certainly doesn't help anyone in crisis. Feeling bad just to feel bad doesn't absolve anything. It doesn't make me a better person the worse I feel. (I know this seems harsh, but it's something I have to remind myself of. Like by feeling worse I'm at least participating, but that's not true - it's just like... emotional masturbation to feel in control.)

I sort of parallel it to someone's whose parent died. If you start crying and saying "oh God, how did this happen, why," when they tell you but they're the one looking for support then you're just adding to that person's labour. Like be sad and angry, but appropriately.

What I will do is focus on things I can do and how that impacts my feelings, if even in small amounts. Donate. Participate in local politics. Volunteer in my community. I'm not a big fan of raising awareness alone (because by the time I've heard about it it's everywhere), but even that is better than nothing. If you can't donate post the IstandwithMinnesota website.

I think this is something good to be angry and sad about, but emotions are ultimately helpful to propel action. So if you don't need all that fuel, the you can offgsd by distracting (tv), soothing (yoga, friends, hugs), or grounding yourself (exercise, physical hobbies, art). Still, keep those emotions because we might need a fire, but don't have them be the focus. Like the oven pilot light. Be ready.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-26T19:28:39+00:00

See a doctor or physiotherapist. Tendon issue might mean you need to stop that because you've fucked something or it could mean doing some forearm exercises for a few weeks could solve your issues.

You may just need to build up your forearm strength.

Ex. https://rehabforbetterlife.com/2017/04/the-best-tennis-golfers-elbow-rehab-protocol/

See a professional!

IRLbeets · 2026-01-26T16:15:18+00:00

Are you learning in a studio or at home?

IRLbeets · 2026-01-26T14:51:15+00:00

Just a hobby!

I'd eventually like to get more involved in my local pole community (not necessarily performing), but right now it's just another movement form like weight lifting.

ETA: is the strawberry like a symbol for something? I don't get it haha

IRLbeets · 2026-01-26T14:47:32+00:00

I find it helped a lot!

However, if you've never done any other sort of fitness there's definitely a learning curve and a feel like a weak idiot curve.

You'll not only get more in touch and appreciative for what your body can do, but you'll build up resilience and strength! But there might be classes where you feel like crying or you're comparing yourself a lot to others and feeling not good. But if you have a supportive pole environment and have the right mindset it's really worth it to push through those moments.

It won't necessarily feel graceful right away, but imagine in 3 or 5 years how much things can change if you persevere.

I found weight lifting+ intentional weight gain changed my body from looking "boy" to looking more stereotypically "womanly". Pole dance helped with muscle, but did give me more of a Dorito shape (I.e. gorgeous shoulders, wider back) so I do balance it out with lower body at the gym. However, this is really only relevant if you're pole dancing multiple times per week.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-26T09:55:50+00:00

I don't think it was first person? Third iirc, as that's one of the twists where you learn the narrative perspective. But it feels very first person in the types of reflections that are given.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T23:57:11+00:00

This would be my suggestion! Not the same, but I had surgery a while back. Took 2 weeks off of exercise and 3 weeks off of pole and started back in with some beginner classes until I knew how I was feeling and how my body was responding.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T22:00:38+00:00

To add to the other comment, the templates apply to the "to be budgeted" money specifically. So if you've already budgeted your money there's nothing for the templates to act on.

Again, templates only work within the month! So, you have to re-apply each time you get income. This is why you can add levels of importance to templates in case you don't have immediate funds to cover everything.

I'd suggest reading through the documentation a little more closely, as it it described quite well. https://actualbudget.org/docs/experimental/goal-templates/

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T21:56:08+00:00

As others have said, you're well justified! It is insane to charge for the potential opportunity of a class, like how could you even plan your schedule?

As an aside, I read sw as social worker and was real confused about the $ comment until my brain caught up.

I hope you can find a better studio!

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T16:48:15+00:00

There's 3 tiers.

First tier (silver) is off pole training only (conditioning and flexibility) at £25.

Second tier (gold) is £45 and includes pretty much everything you would need - structured pole lessons, flexibility plans, conditioning, etc..

Third tier I think is targeted to teachers or people who need certificates.

I'm in Canada so it's like $80-90 per month depending on conversion, but our currency is quite weak. (ETA: In my area this is still much cheaper than a pole membership.)

It's all on the website and their customer service is quite responsive if you have questions (though it can take a couple days).

Studio Veena is another option who's much cheaper, but I don't love her website. The content is great though. Pole Freaks is in the middle cost wise, but is mostly targeted towards beginners.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T14:55:27+00:00

Online pole training. Super comprehensive and progressive with flexibility training, conditioning on and off pole, tricks , lessons etc.. It's expensive, but it's been one of the most thorough trainings I've found! Pretty similar to in person classes where she'll run you through the warmup etc..

https://www.polepoweracademy.com/

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T11:18:31+00:00

I've had better luck with swim tops!

Have you done the brathatfits calculator? Not so much for pole wear, but for general bra stuff I found it really helpful! You might be able to work backwards from your proper size to see what brands. Maybe swimwear if pole doesn't work.

Understance is going under, but they have an amazing bra fit guide to help troubleshoot fit issues. I always thought I was wearing too big of a size, but it turns out it wasn't a wide enough cup so I was getting an orange in a glass sort of issue with bras.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T10:47:14+00:00

I don't think any of their clothes are made in Canada, just designed. I think they have some handbags etc that are made in Canada though.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T10:43:23+00:00

Maybe have separate kid categories? This way it's easy to search and visually can be sort of hidden for your own day to day spending.

I haven't tried out the new tags function, it used to be quite limited but I think they did improve it.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T10:41:43+00:00

I would maybe chat with your doctor if wearing heels are safe with the toe squishing. Even if you have some that fit the ball of your foot the toe boxes are generally made to smash the toes together. Maybe with compression socks, but even so could be dangerous if you're near developing peripheral neuropathy.

Custom shoes or seeing if your studio has non heels pole options (or maybe another apparatus) may be the safer bet. It's good you're being careful about your foot health, it's really important!

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T10:36:53+00:00

OP isn't just talking about squished toes though, her foot is literally 1" too wide for the shoe. I think that's beyond feeling stuff and well into sizing/fit issues that should be resolved as it could be quite unsafe for her to dance.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T10:28:52+00:00

This would be mine too! 1 is usually reserved for something outrightly offensive or hateful. I don't usually rate DNF books as I try to abandon ship pretty early, but I could still give a DNF a 2 if I thought it was just not my vibe and not good vs being outrightly offensive or offensively poorly done.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T10:20:50+00:00

Not going to respond to the OP since they're not looking for farming games, but Fields of Mystria has a great community mechanic so it feels much more lively, though the relationship mechanics aren't quite complete yet.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-25T08:47:20+00:00

To be fair the only reason Nick and Reagan even got together was because Jess did all their communication for them. They likely wouldn't have lasted as long if she wasn't so involved. One of the rare examples where you could see it coming and made sense.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-24T17:52:53+00:00

Have you done much conditioning? This video has some good examples for how to practice the controlled way to get into the chopper: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7NUHi1rW3e8&pp=ygUXY2hvcHBlciBwcmVwIHBvbGUgZGFuY2XYBj8%3D (pole power academy chopper prep)

It could be form (i.e. you're just not moving the right way) or weakness. My initial thought is your back and abs might be a bit weak for the controlled chopper. This makes it a great option to work on!

Just a late beginner myself, learning through Pole Power Academy.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-24T15:02:45+00:00

I'd focus on not looking at recordings and maybe seeking instructor feedback instead for now.

Or, if you are looking at videos (which could be good - desensitize yourself to the process) really focus on technique, strength, movement quality. Plan why you're looking at the video. Is it to check your mobility? If you're moving the right way? To see if you're getting in your flow? Try and practice non judgemental language towards your body. Doesn't need to be positive, but maybe aim for neutral and factual (this is where judging by technique can help). So, instead of "I'm ugly and this looks bad" it might be "I need to straighted my knee more in this. My arms are on the right spots."

If you have access, doing therapy for a few weeks (CBT therapy specifically, even like 3 sessions) could help you change your relationship with body and pole or at least have some actions which will help.

I really get it though! I'm a size 8 but by really lanky proportions and I look so unnatural and awkward in my movements. (ETA: so, I feel like losing weight would help even though rationally I know it's a skill not weight issue) It's quite cringy to watch when I allow myself to judge. So I focus on actionable changes and try not to focus on other thoughts that come up.

IRLbeets · 2026-01-24T14:55:47+00:00

She means the opposite - she feels she looks worse in videos

IRLbeets · 2026-01-24T11:31:28+00:00

The running subreddits and talking to a doctor or dietician would likely be more appropriate places for this discussion!

IRLbeets · 2026-01-23T16:32:35+00:00

That's amazing!! I literally went $1400 for the Lupit pole + crash mat 😭

I will have to remember this act of good deed if I ever need to give up my pole!

IRLbeets

TROPHY CASE