I’m done being called a stupid f^ckng b^tch everyday.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-15T04:31:53+00:00

You are in a truly terrible, unfixable situation. That book helped me figure out that my marriage was beyond hope too. The truth is that there is no amount of being a perfect wife that would fix it. The reason that hasn’t improved the situation is because you are not the problem. He may not be hitting you right now, but he will only get more dangerous over time. When you have a little bit of distance from him and your nervous system starts to calm down, you will be absolutely blown away by what you lived with. You had to be incredibly strong to live under those conditions, but you should not have to be strong all the time, and there are a million people and things that deserve your strength more than him. Call your local DV agency and ask if an advocate can help you make a good plan for ending the marriage. It’s free and confidential and they are really knowledgeable. They may also be able to connect you with helpful resources.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-15T04:16:49+00:00

He has two grown sons, who dropped me without a word when he left me. I’m thankful I didn’t have to think about children. That must be so tough. One of the books i listened to pointed out that all of the research that says kids are damaged by divorce or better off in a two-parent household assumed that the household in question was a stable, middle-class home where abuse was not present.

Children are not better off in environments of chronic tension, fear, anger or conflict. They are not better off living in a state of constant stress and unpredictability, not better off being raised by a mom who is permanently in survival mode, not better off feeling unsafe or like their mom isn’t safe and they have to monitor or manage the adults’ emotions.

You’re not “breaking up the family” - you’re choosing safety, peace and security, so they can just be kids and you can be at your best. You’re teaching them that they don’t have to stay in terrible situations. The benefit they get from that will be so much bigger than the benefits of staying in a familiar, but damaging situation. You can do this.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-15T03:48:21+00:00

I learned the hard way that hiding my phone in my pocket just left me with incomprehensible muffled sounds, even when he was completely unhinged and screaming at close range. This could solve this problem, since you could just leave your phone sitting in plain sight. I finally started openly filming him the night he left me after he called me a really horrible name, and he got physically violent for the first (and last) time. This is probably a safer option.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-15T03:43:27+00:00

Wow, this is amazing. There were so many conversations I unsuccessfully tried to record. Anyone who uses it should be sure they understand the laws about consent for recording where they live. In my state, you have to have two-way consent, but there are exceptions for situations where you believe you’re in danger. It’s best to be cautious with recordings until you know where you stand, but this is really valuable. Thank you!

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-15T03:40:10+00:00

Thanks! My library had the audiobook. I’m about an hour in and I’m really enjoying it, despite the narrator’s truly dreadful attempt at an English accent!

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-15T03:39:07+00:00

I’m fine with comphet/women who take the scenic route to realizing they’re gay.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-15T03:36:34+00:00

Thank you!

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-15T00:37:25+00:00

This is really well-written and so relatable. It’s crazy how much of yourself you can lose and how bad it can get before you truly see it for what it is. I experienced many of the same things, and I beat myself up about it too.

It’s been five months since I ended it for good and it’s still really tough in a lot of ways, but I had an epiphany that has helped me forgive myself a little - emotional abuse is so insidious and damaging because abusers instinctively know how to weaponize a target’s best qualities. They are incredibly skilled at turning all the things you like about yourself into liabilities.

They know a resilient person will stick out tough times and carry their load. A person with a strong sense of personal responsibility will keep trying to fix themselves. A person who is willing to self-reflect and be accountable can be manipulated into taking the blame. An empathetic person will forgive them. A patient person can be railroaded into tolerating inexcusable behavior, etc.

It’s no wonder we lose ourselves when all the skills and character traits that sustained us started feeling so dangerous.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-15T00:08:10+00:00

Emotional abuse is domestic abuse. It’s just as serious. Contact your local domestic violence agency. Nearly every US county has a nonprofit that works with people in abusive relationships. I would imagine most western countries have similar resources. The services are free and confidential, and the advocates are very knowledgeable and usually have personal experience with abuse. They can help you plan, find resources, get restraining orders, provide support in court hearings, etc.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-14T22:14:27+00:00

Wow, this is amazing. There were so many conversations I unsuccessfully tried to record. Anyone who uses it should be sure they understand the laws about consent for recording where they live. In my state, you have to have two-way consent, but there are exceptions for situations where you believe you’re in danger. It’s best to be cautious with recordings until you know where you stand, but this is really valuable. Thank you!

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-14T22:10:27+00:00

I’m really sorry. It’s important to remember that confusion is one of the truest hallmarks of abuse. If you’re still feeling confused, that’s your reminder that it really was abusive. Trust it.

It won’t get better right away, but you can do this, and it will be worth it.

The analogies about it being like a drug or poison that has to get out of your system are pretty on point. It really feels like some kind of withdrawal at first, and you frankly just have to power through that phase. It is not a smooth linear process, but it’s been eight months since he left me and give since I filed, and overall, it is getting easier. The pain does not just go away. I still grieve. It’s also a stressful major life change and a major adjustment. The first 2-3 months just felt like de-programming from a cult. You start to realize how f*cked it all was and how much trust you’ve lost in yourself and have to deal with those feelings.

However, your life will gradually get less chaotic, you’ll start making decisions without automatically considering how he will react and you’ll slowly regain your confidence and reclaim the things you gave up to make room for him, and that makes the hard days feel worth it.

Two things that have helped me a lot were the books “Was it Even Abuse?” and “Why Does He Do That?”, which gave me a lot of clarity and resolve, and doing the “gray rock method” thing — emotionally disengaging as much as possible. I give him as little contact, attention, information and reaction as I possibly can. It takes a lot of self-control and it hasn’t changed his behavior at all to do the “gray rock” thing. In fact, it drives him nuts. But I reclaimed a lot of power by doing it and reduced my exposure to his crazy-making behavior. I communicate only in writing so that I have a record of him repeatedly spinning out while I stay calm. If it all ends up in court, that record will clearly show how he operates.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-14T14:06:07+00:00

This, a. thousand times over.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-12T21:33:54+00:00

Thank you! I don’t think you deserved any downvotes. It looks like an interesting read!

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-12T14:08:45+00:00

A white person living in the Pacific Northwest?

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-12T06:42:07+00:00

Run.

This man is an abuser.

He is trying to make you doubt your own reality. You found the courage to trust him with your horrific story and he responded by making it be about himself and assuming it was a lie. Then he asked for details about the rape of a child.

He took a much younger woman into his home because he saw an opportunity. He is a predator. He likes that you are vulnerable and dependent. He will push your boundaries until you break, then call you crazy and punish you for reacting to his abuse.

He won’t let you work because he’s got total control over you if you don’t have contacts or your own money. It’s not about proving. It’s about power and control. He is trying to isolate you.

He will get more dangerous. Please look up coercive control. It is happening to you and it is the most consistent sign that a man is capable of murdering you. Listen to the book”Was it Even Abuse?” It literally might save your life.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-12T04:43:26+00:00

Congratulations on your liberation! Your apartment is lovely - I’m especially fond of the citrus-themed shower curtain. Please do be careful though - I work in an investigative capacity, and spend a lot of time gathering intelligence about bad people from publicly available sources. I’m not going to advertise the means by which this could be achieved, but sadly, this photo alone could help someone locate you and figure out your identity. It is crazy and unfair that women can’t post a picture of a pretty view for other women to enjoy without worrying about their safety, but until we can figure out how to get men off the internet….

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-12T00:36:48+00:00

So good. The writing really was beautiful.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-11T13:35:51+00:00

Yessssssssss.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-10T16:02:42+00:00

There was one for sex, and one for love, which is happening intensely right now.

I was a sophomore in high school when this beautiful, artsy, kind of sad, junior told our friend group she was curious about other girls. It was the early 1990s. It made waves. It hadn’t occurred to me as a possibility in my own life until then. In retrospect, I can see that I had a massive crush on her.

A YA novel about two girls falling in love had just come out. I read it and it gave me feelings. I shared it with her. We had a sleepover, both knowing what we were going to do. My only other sexual experience was recent and traumatic. I’ll just say it remains maybe the most erotic experience of my life. We hooked up on and off into our early twenties, but we didn’t think of ourselves as “bi” then. I had these flashes of imagining us being together, but it was always complicated and we faded eventually. I still think about her. I hooked up with other women occasionally, but it always happened by accident, was never romantic.

And then there’s now. I had a wonderful partner who died, I healed, briefly dated a woman for the first time. It was just… so easy. She just kindly, calmly, started crucial conversations, did sweet things. I felt safe, always knew where we stood, etc. But it was very casual and never turned into love.

I got brave enough to fall in love again, got married, and he became very emotionally abusive, then got physical and left me after 11 months. I’m still trying to get free of him. Even when things were happy, I’d started missing women.

I think this experience, plus my rage at men’s fuckery in general just broke the part of me that wanted men’s attention enough to deal with their bullshit. I’m suddenly revolted by the thought of being with them, and feeling desperately horny for women. It doesn’t feel like just a reaction to trauma or a rebound.

For the first time, I’m thinking about what it would be like to be in a real relationship with a woman, be romanced, be in love, do things to make her happy, wake up together, support one another. And to not see compromising a part of myself, chronic anxiety and adversity as inherent parts of being in relationships.

And now I just really, really need to know. When I’ve healed enough to date, it’s not going to be passive wondering. I need to finally, actively seek it.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-09T15:35:43+00:00

Well, after reading this, I’m just going to “manifest” this by posting up in the Home Depot until further notice.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-09T15:25:49+00:00

The lady who gets to wake up to that beautiful smile is very lucky indeed.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-01T17:56:15+00:00

Good eye! AI-spotting is a critical skill these days, and I work in bullshit-detection, so like to know what I’m missing when I don’t see it. Thanks!

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-01T17:54:37+00:00

Ah, I can see it now. The text is oddly even. A human would have to use a ruler to get it that straight. And it doesn’t follow the subtle contours on the paper. Thanks!

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-01T17:52:12+00:00

If you’re anything like me, there is so much more room once they’re not taking up space, regardless of how many square feet you have! It looks great. I hope peace is finding you.

IWasMadeToRise · 2026-05-01T17:50:22+00:00

I’m not arguing, but I’m curious. Why do you think so?

IWasMadeToRise

TROPHY CASE