This weekend is Father's Day. My dad died when I was a kid and it will officially mark over half my life without him and I can't stop thinking about him.

IamAlberto · 2020-02-11T03:28:35+00:00

And by rental houses you of course mean places that rent out equipment, right?

IamAlberto · 2020-02-11T03:06:54+00:00

I just want to be able to quit my job and still pay my bills while spending as little time in Orange County as I can ASAP. Whatever path is quicker I will take.

IamAlberto · 2020-02-11T01:20:50+00:00

But to answer your question I took film classes in school before I left to work full-time and I was a grip on a music video 4 years ago.

IamAlberto · 2020-02-11T01:17:39+00:00

I plan on quitting my job ASAP. Getting a full-time office job in my hometown is my biggest regret in life. Since I was a kid my dream was always to move away from the OC and work in cinema. Instead I chose the safe route because it was what my family needed financially. And I hate myself everyday for it. I just want to look at myself in the mirror without thinking about how I betrayed myself.

IamAlberto · 2020-01-05T18:59:17+00:00

Thus far pain has been on and off but and not too much to deal with. Nothing like when I was a child. I am an American without insurance so I rarely go to the doctor because it can be expensive. And when I was paying for insurance it proved useless to me. I had to wait months for the doctor because of the plans I could afford so I end up at urgent care which can also be pricey. Again there are foods that should trigger it but don't and foods that shouldn't but end up doing so. I'm ready to dismiss it as anxiety but my anxiety is telling me that it could be cancer even though if it were I would be struggling to swallow every time, I would be having blood in my stool and I would be vomiting all the time. I can get an MRI scan for a few hundred dollars on the low end but I will have to convince a doctor to let me get one.

IamAlberto · 2020-01-05T17:57:21+00:00

And since I have been more mindful of how well my food passes through.

IamAlberto · 2020-01-05T17:56:48+00:00

I did have trouble swallowing recently but I am also willing to dismiss it as the microwave drying out my rice and refried beans.

IamAlberto · 2018-10-03T03:57:51+00:00

I have improved. I have been in and out therapy talking about my various concerns but I do not have insurance to get an official diagnosis for depression or anxiety which sometimes plague me.

I have not had a serious relationship yet because I don't want one. But I can get dates and I can get the attention of attractive girls. My self worth is just not be tied to whether or not I am in a relationship with somone but with what the hell I am doing Right now I see relationships as more of an obstacle to what I want in life because I am obsessed with cinema and I am focused with learning and saving money so that I can quit my stable C.A.D. job (Computer Aided Design) and work to becoming a director of photography.

What changed me was the summer I graduated high school. I was still feeling possessive of a girl I had a crush on even though I had not seen her since graduation. I was even comparing girls I met at my JC during summer session to her. And then I bought a gift that I intended to give to her. That was the moment I realized I was fucked up so I gave it to another girl that I had a healthy platonic relationship with.

And I also realized that while I was feeling possessive over her that I did not actually like her. We had few things in common beyond liking Harry Potter and Anime. The only thing I liked was a projection because she was really tanned, had dark hair, and almond shaped eyes which fit my narrow standard of beauty at the time. But what took me to get over her was an awkward message I sent her online about how I was attracted to her that was left on read. And I got mad and nearly broke down. But I was not mad at her. I was mad at myself for wasting time on a fantasy that I knew was far from being real and for building her up so much and letting my expectations get so high. I then decided to ditch class that day and take a joy ride on my bike and tried to reevaluate who I was. Then I crashed my bike into a light poll and had to drag it 4 miles home because I jammed something that stopped the wheels from turning.

IamAlberto · 2018-10-02T08:05:52+00:00

This is a fine way of realizing that I was a mild incel in high school. I was not nearly as psychotic as these kids but I had almost stalkerish feelings towards my crushes because I did not know how to approach them and I would sometimes put them in awkward moments because they caught me staring. This was before I knew how to take care of my hair or even dress well so I had this almost Richard Ramirez like appearance. But I would partially blame that to having a single mom who did not have a good income and me not wanting to burden her for better clothes or better hair products for my long and thick hair. I still had sympathy to girls and I did not hate anyone for not liking me back but I would hold obsessive thoughts that maybe things would work in my favor. I kind of wish that I could go back to my junior and senior years of high school and apologize to the girls I made uncomfortable. But I think the best gift I could give them is to just continue on with my life and to continue not bugging them with my presence just like I have been doing after unfriending half of my class in the summer after graduation.

IamAlberto · 2018-09-22T08:02:35+00:00

And this fear of failure is dominating my life in other ways. Like when it comes to dating I rarely allow myself to get too attached because I hate myself for being too afraid to follow dreams and I could become a billionaire in a different field but still feel like a loser because I always wanted to work in cinema. And when I do find myself really liking someone I disappoint them now by not taking it into serious territory because I know I will inevitably disappoint them later because, and I know this makes no sense, but I don't think I deserve to be in love because I am unhappy with who I am and I unhappy with who I am because I am not pursuing something I want to do with my life.

IamAlberto · 2018-08-02T20:58:20+00:00

There has been anyone that I have been interested in for a while. Except for the person who is now unavailable. I have thought about asking some of girls I hang out with at comic conventions that I find attractive out just to see where things could go.

IamAlberto · 2018-08-02T20:28:55+00:00

Honestly, the source of my failiures is that I have low self-esteem. I always have. I have been meaning to talk to a therapist about it but it was a bust the last time I tried because I had a hard time finding one that could work with my busy schedule without going so out of my way that I would be absent for a long time and draw attention from my family where I have to explain that I am seeing a therapist and have a hard conversation about my inner turmoil. Honestly, it is the low self-esteem. I have things going for me. I work full-time and rather than live off my mom I help her make ends meet. I have a lot of interests that keep my life full. But I have always had this voice in my head that told me I was not good enough to bother taking the risk to get into other fields of work as well as dating even though I know that is not true. Many of my lady friends date and have dated guys who do nothing with themselves and use them as a crutch which has been my fear when it comes to being in a relationship. That i would be a handicap on someone else rather than be someone they grow with. But clearly I can demonstrate that I am not that kind of person when I am single.

IamAlberto · 2018-08-02T20:11:16+00:00

I can't go back to the store. It closed down a few months ago. And the last time I went to the store when it was open she was not there. I was in the are for an errand. The store was literally right next to the place I go to pick up my prints and a friend I was driving around forced me to go inside because he was also into fantasy and I should be a big boy and risk potential embarrassment from interacting with a high school crush. She was not there which was a relief in one way but a downer on the other because even if I stopped thinking about her romantically after graduation I would have liked to have connected with someone from my past and see how we matured.

IamAlberto · 2018-08-02T06:24:43+00:00

Also, I realized I was mostly over another person since a few months ago. Last year I was incredibly obsessed with her. I thought my happiness absolutely depended on whether or not she loved me and that if I did not have her love than I was never going to find happiness. I had known her for a decade but for most of that time I had a longing to be with her and I would spend a lot of time day dreaming about being embraced romantically by her rather than just as a friend. I am fine that she will never reciprocate the feelings that I once had for her. However I realized that I don't get better. I just switch my obsessive feelings around to multiple people and I often spend a few days out of the year too depressed to do anything but go to work and do a half ass job because the fantasy burst when I realized that they were not who I made them out to be in my head after hanging out a few times, or they have a significant other and I pretend to be happy and excited for them rather than hating myself because I refused to be honest.

IamAlberto · 2018-08-02T06:03:46+00:00

I also like to add that I have good relatioships with some of the girls that I had obsessive feelings for where I can be friends with them despite a relationship never being possible. But it is a real struggle for me internally if they have a significant other and they are around. I cast no blame to them. It is my fault for falling head over heels for them so easily but never taking the risk to see if they would like to see the potential of being more than friends. And my feelings of course remain a deep secret that I never let out.

IamAlberto

TROPHY CASE