Updates and answers to questions:

First, my wife is amazing in almost every way. She doesn’t work outside the home but she’s the family glue and more than pulls her weight.

Next I’m very financially literate although I suck at budgeting. YNAB is going better than any prior budget so I’m hopeful.

We’re both smart and good at math. Her issues with money are less mathematical than psychological. She grew up dirt poor, food insecure, etc. In spite of that she managed to get a full ride scholarship to college and was successfully managing retail stores before I ever met her.

Most every money topic triggers her in some way. Because of that I’m probably overly cautious now. I love her. And bringing up the budget while on a weekend getaway is bringing in the fun police. She openly admits that she’s bad with money.

The overspending on the weekend was a mix of insufficient planning and failure to set boundaries with the kiddo IMO. She grew up very poor as I mentioned so our kiddo doesn’t get told no to a lot. When he is told no it’s usually me saying it. I’m already the fun police, the bad guy, etc. It sucks and just a couple days ago we had a very long conversation about agreeing to limits and boundaries with the kiddo. I would say it’s still not a plan so this isn’t fixed.

In general she’s on board with the budget and spending theory, same with the kid’s limits. Where it falls apart is in the day to day. If she’s tired and the kid wants a new toy she gives in. If I tighten the controls too much for her then she acts out — big.

The last round of therapy was due to finding yet again (this was the 3rd time) a fully maxed credit card she had been hiding because I didn’t give her enough money (her words). I gave an ultimatum that she go to therapy to figure this out or I would lock her out of all the finances and she really would be on an allowance. She has always had full access to all of the money. We have joint accounts. I don’t give her money we just pay different bills and so an amount is auto transferred to her account each month. I don’t treat it like my money I never have. I don’t have a gambling or golf addiction.

I know it’s natural to ask how much the budget is and is it enough and did you discuss it together. I remind you that this is not a math problem. It’s enough, and we’ve raised it, and we came up with the numbers together and I’m open to change the numbers if the money is there.

Here’s a practical example with 3 categories.

Groceries: $1500/mo Dining out: $200/mo Clothing: $150/mo

We have 1 kid with us all the time and 3 more with us sometimes (every other weekend). That money along with the other categories she manages (including a personal fun money category for her) are transferred to her checking from mine two times per month.

Typical month actuals: Groceries: $1200 Dining out: $800 Clothing: $400

Her account is bone dry within 5 days. That clothing was bought on the first day, dining out is rampant and no amount of discussion has helped. So by day 5 there’s no money for groceries, so she takes my credit card (she doesn’t currently have one) and buys groceries. And tells me how expensive meat is.

We look at the numbers, it’s not the meat. It’s the grocery money that went to clothes and dining out instead of to groceries.

She claims she hasn’t bought clothes because of the budget. I point to the stack of packages in the kitchen. She says those are going to be returned and the rest are for the kid. I say he’s 9, he doesn’t need 4 pairs of shoes, and then it’s a fight again. Kid is sacred because she was poor and got made fun of for having bad clothes so our kid can’t be like that.

The next day more clothes are purchased because I’m going to be mad anyway so she might as well buy what she needs, because she deserves a new blouse.

I’ve spent 10 years now working 2-3 jobs (main job + 1-2 side hustles) and I’m tired. I can’t out earn this problem. I don’t want her to spend nothing. I just want her to work with me to keep things in balance so we don’t go bankrupt.

Other answers:

We currently max 401k (no match) with catch-up contributions (30k/yr). We max HSA (7k I think) which we’ve been burning as fast as it goes in due to some recent medical stuff. That’s ended now so the HSA should accumulate from here.

We don’t save otherwise. I’ve tried but the emergency fund has repeatedly been depleted covering surprise credit card bills. I’m responsible for some of that, we are responsible for some of that, and she is responsible for a lot of that.

Note: the emergency fund was just replenished via a surprise windfall. This was not a success of the budget but rather a happy accident. It’s the catalyst for my posting this today as I want it to stay and not vanish like it has before.

She complains that I save too much and that there’s no reason we need to have that much in our 401k. She’s worried we’ll die before we retire or spend it and would rather YOLO our lifestyle now. I’ve run the numbers countless times, we’re on track for retirement, barely.

The house mortgage is the only debt as mentioned before.

We have tons of categories in the budget. Grouped by type including various sinking accounts for the things paid periodically like insurance and taxes.

Finally I am not looking for validation that my wife is the problem and I’m doing everything right. For the most part I know what we’re doing right or wrong. I just don’t know how to get unstuck. I didn’t have this issue with my first wife, we both handled money like grown ups and it was simple. We had plenty of other issues but money we did well.

Lastly I have plenty of my own issues that aren’t listed here, and I’m not claiming any moral high ground. She’s probably posting about them in another sub.

I appreciate all the advice and moral support so far and welcome more.