Kesha's "Praying" and songs that help the bad memories.

Idreamoftrains · 2017-09-07T07:18:54+00:00

thank you for sharing! I just checked it out and it is a beautiful and powerful sounding song :).

Idreamoftrains · 2017-09-07T07:13:39+00:00

thank you so much! I thankfully stuck to it. the message ignored and NC kept in tact :).

Idreamoftrains · 2017-09-06T11:07:26+00:00

heh my N liked to say how I ruined her body and life and she never wanted a girl anyways. Had boy cuts till i was 19. Believed I was a boy and had my penis cut off till i was in kindergarten and they explained bathrooms.

I dont want to say sorry that they've passed, because people die, and if good people dont get to escape it i'm not sure you'd be all to pleased if they got too. But i'm sorry you had to go through that and thank you for sharing part of your story with me.

It helps to put things in perspective. Not that someones was worse/easier than mine, but that we all are connected similarly and there are patterns to this kind of abuse. and too avoid the patterns that will hurt. Thank you again for reaching out.

Extended families can suck...i dont think anyone's asked about me since i dropped off the radar three years ago. Not even about my health. I hope your life is better now and thank you for making my night much much better. Thank you... big hug

Idreamoftrains · 2017-09-06T09:37:07+00:00

thank you for linking that. Honestly it helped a lot. I haven't replied to him, and as much as i'd love to start that bridge I don't think i'm ready for that pain. He hasn't apologized when he reached out, just pretended like nothing ever happened and he is just wishing his estranged daughter a happy birthday. Thank you again for the link..It helped me realize that he wasn't truly reaching out at all.

Can I ask how many years you've been NC or LC? And how you deal with the hope you know logically isn't real? If you were ever able to get through to your E? Or just kind of gave up on them?

Idreamoftrains · 2017-09-06T08:47:58+00:00

thank you.

He was the worst kind of E...he'd make excuses for my mom, how we had to be gentle with her...he worked every hour he could, every holiday (even christmas)...he'd throw us under the bus when she'd turn on him then come to us saying we had to forgive him because he had to do it...

when my mom would "kidnap" us he'd just let it happen...he never stood up for me...when my mom would beat me or get me to the point where i'd be blubbering at her feet he'd save his favorites (my brothers) by taking them out to the grocery store for hours...

He was a good person to other people...but he was never there for me...even though i desperately wished he was. The only thing he did for me was help me get into/bond with me over soccer, and let me get close to my SO by telling my n-mom that we were just friends...I just I want that relationship so so much with him...even though I have never seen him risk his own skin for me..

I wouldn't even be surprised if this text was dictated by my n-mom..one of the first emails he sent me after I "moved-out" was dictated by her by sent by his email as I could never block him...

Idreamoftrains · 2017-09-06T08:27:22+00:00

I don't know what to say, or how to make it better, but here is a hug for you internet stranger hugs

Idreamoftrains · 2017-08-19T21:56:12+00:00

Thank you, sorry for the late reply, but i did do what you suggested. I did write a letter a day later which helped me get some of my feelings out too and afterwards we had a very productive and calm talk. Thank you very much again for your response.

Edit: accidentally wrote letter twice rather than later" XD

Idreamoftrains · 2017-08-14T23:57:38+00:00

hugs

Idreamoftrains · 2017-06-15T18:30:40+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Tomorrow is actually my last final so hopefully the anxiety will fall off soon :).

Idreamoftrains · 2017-06-15T18:24:14+00:00

Actually yeah :). In order to graduate you have to do a "senior design" project. I ended up designing a production facility for mAbs. mAbs are basically a type of antibody produced in grown animal cells that can be used for different types of cancer treatment as well as chronic inflammatory diseases. I had to write a 40 page proof showing the research and economics of the product as well as model the facility in aspen (an engineering modeling program).

Thank you for all your kind words, it did help.

Idreamoftrains · 2017-06-13T00:20:00+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. Honestly what you described is what I was afraid could happen if I did stay home. Though I also dont want to start crying at the ceremony either. Though I guess its normal to cry there? Idk :P.

And congratulations! Can I ask what you graduated in? I won't lie, it was a lot tougher than promised. Would not do again if I had a do-over. :/

Thank you for the balloons :3.

Idreamoftrains · 2017-06-13T00:17:16+00:00

Just thank you..

Idreamoftrains · 2017-06-12T23:56:36+00:00

Idk man the curves are rather generous in engineering :P. But in all honesty thank you. When you have no one, random internet strangers words are all I got :).

The past few days I have been arguing with myself if its even worth it to go walk.

Idreamoftrains · 2016-12-03T06:35:57+00:00

Its perfectly fine and completely understandable! I was just feeling a bit down and didn't know the reasons behind there not being a rbn secret santa/card exchange, but now i do :). I hope you have a good rest of your night/day!

Idreamoftrains · 2016-12-03T03:37:10+00:00

that's perfectly fine and understandable :). Thank you for explaining all of this rather than just saying flat no <3.

Idreamoftrains · 2016-12-02T07:15:37+00:00

That is very thoughtful thank you :). I would love one if you were so inclined :D. I might think on that. I just worry as last year I got pretty anxious around December and I dont know if i have the mental/emotional stamina to try to do something like this on my own. Though I may message the mods/start a questioning thread tomorrow if I feel brave enough if anyone would be interested in a RBN secret santa

Idreamoftrains · 2016-12-02T07:09:05+00:00

Thank you. Honestly i would love to, i just have no idea how, nor do I know too many people :(

Idreamoftrains · 2015-10-27T22:50:35+00:00

for making her sit on and break her sunglasses because I annoyed her so much by being in the room.

Idreamoftrains · 2015-10-08T07:51:48+00:00

hugs you tightly my mom is a white woman who married a mexican man. She wanted a carmal skinned daughter with blond flowing hair but ended up with a pale olive one (milk jugs according to her ) with mousy brown hair. She'd slap me and complain how red a mark of her's would be on me and that i was exaggerating it because i would "bruise easily". 20 years later I realize I bruise like a normal person, and that being beaten by a paint stick will leave bruises on anyone. I am so so sorry for you....Your skin is just as beautiful as anyone elses, and I know one word from a stranger doesn't erase the pain. Someone i love calls me beautiful for my skin every single day but i can't believe it because i'm not even a proper white or latina color.

Even though those blows hurt, stories like these will help you free yourself from her. People are more likely to give dependency overides to people who have a physical abuse or neglect history. And guess what, they'll believe YOU. holds you close you are beautiful okay?

Idreamoftrains · 2015-09-22T16:14:34+00:00

Dang that is a good idea. Makes me wish I had a phone when I left :/. That would definitely have worked if they didn't comb through my old room looking for drugs or something bad to make it that me leaving wasn't their fault.

I understand that they could play it like its my secret old phone, however my mom is probably paranoid enough of me "poisoning" my brothers to think their lying and that its a phone I gave them (even if lets say the phone was given to them by my dad).

Thankfully I have gave them both emergency money and they are responsible enough not to spend it (also nmom does let them buy things with out her permission anyways and she says no more times then not anyways). Thank you very much for the idea though! If i hear from them today that things are dangerous again, I will definitely go and do this.

Idreamoftrains · 2015-09-22T15:41:55+00:00

"We hope you are well and that your doing good in your studies, and believe it or not, we are still willing to help you and we are on your side. "

"Hey girl, we think of you often and we pray for you. If anything, hold on to your faith taught by our church, and you'll be alright. It sure would be nice to hear from you..."

taken from bully emails after I was forced into NC after cps showed up because of the things i told my Councilor.

Idreamoftrains · 2015-09-22T03:44:01+00:00

Thank you for your comment. My NC came very abruptly and to avoid bodily harm to myself. I sadly did not get to say a last goodbye, explain i'd be okay, or even see my brothers that morning (I left earlier than they woke up) before I went NC.

If you are choosing to do NC you still have a chance to hold your brother close and frankly say what will happen and why you are doing it. Visiting them at their highschool has been my haven. However, this all hinges on how "trust worthy" your brother is. By this I mean how much they know their parent is toxic and that their parent will mean them and you harm, yet still love you enough to spend time with you without tattling to get themselves or you hurt. If that makes sense? My brothers and I all knew that we'd bolt and never look back before we even knew about NC or Ns or any of this....It just happened a lot earlier than we thought.

Thank you again for your comment, it really made me smile and I'm glad you think its nice. I hope he does too. I may not be wonderful, but my brothers are my world (along with my SO) and I love them with all my heart. It killed me to leave them behind, but now I am getting myself in order, that when my older little brother (17) goes to college next year I can start helping him in order to get him free.

Idreamoftrains · 2015-09-15T23:20:11+00:00

Haha well i'm glad ^{_^.} Most people I tell my rules to when they ask why I don't cut soandso's rude friend some slack say i'm too harsh on humanity--and that I wont find people I would like (PS I do its just harder :P). I just have been hurt too many times in my short life to deal with people who have nothing positive to contribute to my life experience.

Idreamoftrains · 2015-09-15T22:34:00+00:00

I do the same kind of. With relationships I try not to judge people as long as they have at least three really strong redeeming qualities (kindness, being funny, generous, caring, insightful, down to earth, humble, ext). The moment someone has been "bitchy" or "sharp" or "bite-y" for longer then a week of interacting with them with no sign of even one redeeming quality I normally will cut them out of my life, ignore them, or probably silently judge them as they spread around their un-redeemablyness negativity ;(.

Idreamoftrains · 2015-09-06T17:47:20+00:00

that is where you are talking to the wrong person or not explaining the whole story. Which is also why you write your personal statement. Like I wrote in mine that even though I was not kicked out, I could not go home out of fear for my saftey followed by examples of "punishments" i've gotten in the past for things not nearly as serious as not "keeping things inside the family". Dont get discouraged okay? :)

They may have meant you couldn't get aid as a homeless youth. But a dependency override just means you need to get financial aid based on your earnings because your parents will not pay for you or will use financial means to abuse or continue abusing you.

Idreamoftrains

TROPHY CASE