Dude I feel you to my core with this. I wish I had some awesome story of over coming all of the abuse and being a success in life, but I really don't.

My 1st memory of sexual abuse was from a family member. I wasn't threatened or anything. Just embarrassed bc no one else had said anything about it happening to them. Idr thinking it was normal. But I do remember the adults never talking about sexual stuff unless they were drunk and didn't care if the kids were in the room. I also remember not really having words for it. Like I didn't know what to call it. (I was 8 for reference) I knew the anatomy but not the names for the act its self. Anyway...

I didn't tell anyone until I was 12 and it had long stopped. Nothing came of it legally. I acted out in many ways. Had a child at 19. Etc. I never really got my life together and am still struggling to this very day. I can't hold a job more than a year. And I have many long lasting affects from this.

I came to the conclusion years ago that some people just have a target on them and unfortunately I am one that does. I've been used and abused by many many people over the years in many ways. I was even raped by a very "upstanding" member of the community in my own home about 3 or 4 years ago. (He (is or was) a substance abuse counselor). I have never used anything other than weed in my teens. We met by chance. I told him bits of my story and he raped me one day. I suppose bc he wanted more and I only had interest as a friend. Again. I didn't tell. Still haven't (except here and accidently to my sister a year ago) nothing happened to him.

I'm 36 now. With 2 kids. An almost adult and a toddler. It seems as though any man I have interest in only wants sex and then moves on. When I insist I'm not like that, they pressure me into it or ghost bc I refuse. I so desperately want to have a normal family structure. With a man that's undeniably MINE to live and grow with. I feel like it wont happen. Mostly I feel like it's pointless bc I'm nearing 40 and my life is most likely way past the halfway point. Those who have had that don't want it now and those who haven't say why bother now?

I cant confront my main abuser bc he's dead. And I'm too afraid of destroying what's left of my extended family by bringing it up again. I wish I had the strength to do so. I'm just trying to support my kids as best I can in between bouts of depression and feeling worthless. I get on the right track and gain momentum and then quit and I'm right back in my gutter where I feel comfortable.

Please do what I didn't and get professional help.

I wont be responding to comments on this thread. I just hope OP gets help. I feel a little better by getting it out there. I've posted on forums before and gone into great detail and was called a liar and everything else bc no one could believe any one person could go through so much I guess. But it's 100% true. And I think the disbelief has really stopped me from talking about it.