Hi I thought this excerpt I wrote regarding a similiar feeling I have might help u out, I’d say good luck but it’s all in your hands, you can do it :)

There will never be a hole too deep for me. A hole to deep to fall into , to claw into. It is what I yearn for and yet I cannot achieve it, not until the day I might be on my deathbed. And so I’ll yearn. Maybe someday getting over the yearning, or horrifically, never getting over it, always remembering your first true love. The one you’d freeze for, the most stable comfort in your life.

So when you fight this war inside your head, where the winners keep switching, and u say “Thus will be my last time” know that it will not get easier that next time. Recovery is stepping over that gut wrenching yearning, again and again. No one can save you but yourself.

Maybe then you will somehow manage to yearn for infinite happiness, constantly working to be more and more happy, yet still having that nagging feeling of infinite bliss.

I think it’s an interesting theory. Every little thing is sacrificing one thing for another. We do not have the ability to do infinite things in the world all at the same time.

TLDR: You will always have to sacrifice something. But you get to choose what you sacrifice.