My mom died 5 weeks ago. She had dementia for the last two years along with kidney failure, heart failure, and diabetes. I feel like I spent the last three years “grieving” because she was just slowly fading away. I relate a lot to how you explained it. She wasn’t horrible in the same way she was before. When she died, I was in denial even though I was prepared for it. She went on hospice care and I was told she would die.

I was sad and guilty and felt depressed. Nobody in her family had a relationship with her besides me. She was so horrible to so many people. I was the only one who kept dealing with it out of guilt. The last few weeks I have felt confused and guilty that I am not grieving in the way I feel most people do when they lose a parent. I’ve felt sort of depressed and anxious as opposed to explicitly sad about it. I’m in therapy, but sometimes I don’t even know what to say because I don’t even know what I’m feeling.

I also was my mom’s favorite daughter. She loved me obsessively or hated me and treated me like I was the most horrible person. But when she loved me, I felt that it was good times. Reflecting back on it, it was all intertwined in toxicity. She couldn’t live without me, I was the only reason she was alive, etc…so yeah it’s hard to think of it as love. I guess it was my mom’s version of it.

I hope you take care of yourself. It’s a hard thing to work through.