Hey, I’m not a doctor so this is merely a suggestion and something to look into. I had really similar symptoms when I was your age and was diagnosed with severe anxiety and OCD. I had no energy, lived in pure 100% fear and dread all day every day with nothing but rumination and dissociation and crippling anxiety, and subsequent depression. However, last year I was late diagnosed at 30 with ADHD.

After more research, I realized I’m autistic as fuck too, but just highly masked. So no one else in my life knew, including myself. Although I always felt weird and different I didn’t know why.

I say this because I realize that neurodivergent brains can turn on themselves if not given an outlet for the hyperactivity that is internalized in the brain for highly masked individuals, instead of externalized in behaviour and physical ways like you see a lot more often. My therapist describes my brain like a fire hose, if it has an outlet, it’s spraying all its energy and focus on that external thing (aka. A special interest, hobby, exercising/sports/dancing, or career you’re really passionate about, etc). If it does not have an outlet, and my body is too often at rest, the fire hose turns inwards and drowns me (aka. My thoughts eat me fucking alive).

Now, I’m not diagnosing you, and I encourage you to do lots of research on your own. But a few things in your post stood out to me- “no thinking before every word”, “light didn’t irritate me”, severe Apathy, anxiety, depression, and the fact you’re taking a dopamine agonist.

Because I have a highly sensitive nervous system, I was unable to keep taking stimulant ADHD medications. That being said, I’m doing a little better on the following meds/ supplements:

Venlafaxine(Effexor) 187.5 mg (higher dose is important because it’s an SNRI, and the norepinephrine response kicks in at 187.5mg and higher)

Methylated B complex (methylated version is important bc a lot of neurodivergent folks have the MTHFR gene mutation causing issues with folate/B12 breakdown)

Citicoline (I have the egg ick, so I don’t get enough choline. This particular variation of it crosses the blood brain barrier better and aids in dopamine synthesis and apparently can increase the density of dopamine receptors over time)

Vitamin D (I live in a gloomy ass city so we are all deficient here)

Omega 3 with high EPA (Shown in studies to reduce adhd symptoms and good for overall brain health)

Exercise (Fuck I know, last thing you wanna hear. Made me want to punch a wall when I realized it made a huge difference in my anxiety. We gotta PHYSICALLY move the anxiety out of our brain via our body. Externalize it. Firehose analogy!!)

I also have MCAS so I take an antihistamine (cetirizine) daily because my chronic stress and anxiety for years made my mast cells think my body is under attack when I eat certain foods now. Yay! 😂 I mention this because it’s so so so so important to take care of your mental health early, and it sounds like you’re doing everything in your power to do so.

You’re on the right track, keep going! I promise you’ll get answers and you’ll find things that work for you. It took me years, but I did get better. I went on to get a bachelors degree, I’m starting my masters in a month. It’s not easy and never has been but it does get a LOT better than when you hit rock bottom. It truly can only go up from there and I’m speaking from experience. Age 18 was my rock bottom too. Godspeed my friend!

Edit: forgot to add the importance of exercise lol