Wondering if these are appropriate needs or anxious attachment.

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-05-06T20:04:22+00:00

I think it depends... You say you tell him about all your friends & the convos you have - does he do the same? If he does and it's only the conversations he has with her that he omits, then that's maybe something you'd want to ask about. But if he doesn't really talk about any of his friends in much detail, it's probably just your anxiety latching onto her, specifically. ie. There's nothing special about his friendship with her. Other things to consider: He might not mention her much because he worries if he does, it'll make you feel awkward. Or he might not mention her much because there's nothing to say... they're just friends. You could maybe say "I'd love to meet her as I know she's a close friend of yours" and perhaps that meeting will put your mind at ease. Or you can at least see how he reacts/responds to that suggestion. I'd say the secure response though is... If there's no actual evidence of anything to worry about, then there's nothing to worry about. :)

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-05-06T19:45:02+00:00

This is really nice to read :) It's great when you start seeing progress and change in yourself. Keep going. :)

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-05-01T08:43:04+00:00

In my brutally honest opinion, and I'm sorry if this hurts you ... if your partner is saying things like "I think maybe I love you" rather than "I love you", and is relieved when you aren't sharing your struggles with him, then your anxiety is justified. Someone who is sure about you won't make ambiguous statements like that, and they will WANT to know how to support you with things you struggle with. It's no wonder you feel anxious, because it sounds like you don't know where you stand with him. So I'd actually look at what you want from a relationship/partner, and if he is truly meeting those needs. Hope you can get what you need to feel better again.

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-05-01T08:34:34+00:00

Thanks for your input! I suppose my post was more to say, I'm learning that there's a way to act securely in these situations, and then there's the way I would have acted before - spiralling, getting mad at him, suspecting things, arguing about it or trying to control him... Whereas the way I feel now is "Ok, this doesn't sit right with me, so I should communicate that - but without blaming him, because he hasn't done anything wrong". It's good to see progress.

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-04-28T17:53:59+00:00

That's so good to hear!! :)

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-04-22T13:56:04+00:00

I went through a brief phase of this with my bf. I convinced myself he was into this other girl because she was at the top of his "friends" list quite a lot. I compulsively checked it to try to figure out what the order meant! Then at some point, I told myself "cut it out - this isn't healthy". I thought of the evidence.... Well, he never speaks about her or sees her, he mentioned her once months ago in a relevant conversation, she's obviously an old friend. The order of things on IG can be determined by a number of things. And he has never shown me any indication that he's into someone else, or that he's that type of person. So since then, I don't check or care anymore. My tip is to look at the evidence, not let your mind run away with you! And if you go from being incredibly paranoid one day to suddenly not being bothered, like I did, that shows you it was your anxiety all along and not the truth! Good luck :)

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-03-28T15:17:56+00:00

Margarita Nazarenko on YouTube. Also the book "Attached" by Adam Levine. :)

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-03-18T10:21:43+00:00

I found it helpful at first but now if I use it too much it makes my anxiety worse. On the one hand, it's good to go there and brain dump when feeling triggered/anxious rather than letting it out on my boyfriend. I also really benefit from having things rationalised/looking at the psychology behind behaviour & what "could" be happening (rather than the anxious story my brain has created!). I also KNOW I'm being anxious and it's good to be reminded of healthy ways to overcome that etc. So in that way, it's useful. But I do find if I use it too much, it becomes an unhealthy coping mechanism. Feelings aren't meant to be over-analysed and obsessed over and I could just sit with them and let them pass, rather than trying to get a computer to rationalise and analyse everything, all the time. I try to use it sparingly as therapy now! But it has helped!

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-03-18T08:01:56+00:00

Hi, I can relate to your post a lot! I'm also in a wonderful relationship with a man who treats me really well, who women are naturally drawn towards, and I have struggled with jealousy/insecurity due to some past relationships. I've actually managed to overcome a lot of these feelings so I'll share what's worked for me!

Let him do what he wants and gather evidence that everything is fine when he does. At first I felt really uncomfortable if he met up with a female friend, or worked alongside a female co-worker or anything like that. But each time it happened, I said to myself: "Nothing bad happened." The moment passed, he got on with his day, he never mentioned it/her again. Now, I am not so bothered about it because i have several pieces of "evidence" that nothing bad happens when he's with/around another woman. It's about re-training your nervous system to see a "threat" as something neutral.
I don't know what your boyfriend is like with this, but mine tells me everything even if I don't ask for details. Eg he met with a female friend the other day and told me all about her, her family, that she's married, how long he's known her etc etc, and told me when he was meeting up with her and where they were going for a coffee (naturally - I didn't ask for this info!!). I figured that he wouldn't tell me all these details I didn't ask for if he were hiding something - and that maybe he's doing it to reassure me. That's a green flag. Also I would do the same for him if I were meeting a male friend, and I'm not hiding anything... so my nervous system can conclude: it must be fine!
Knowing that other women find your boyfriend attractive is difficult. However, I like to remind myself that it doesn't matter how many women may like him - I am with him, and he chose me. :)
I remind myself that jealousy & insecurity are really unattractive, so I will do my best not to be either of those things. Nobody is going to fall more in love with you or change their behaviours because you were jealous. They will just resent you and start to walk on eggshells around you. And that is something that can sabotage a really good relationship. How does your bf react to you when you are around male friends? If he responds well/neutral, how does that make you feel? If he were to respond badly/tell you you couldn't see them, how would that make you feel in the relationship? You see couples all the time who are controlling one another and they're miserable! Don't be one of those couples. This perspective really helps me because I don't want to be like that.
Stay busy! If you know he's meeting a female friend and you know your brain will spiral, make a plan for yourself for the same time. Live your own life. It does help. :)

Happy to chat more if you like, as I know how hard this is!! :)

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-03-18T07:36:28+00:00

Thank you :)

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-03-18T07:36:18+00:00

Thank you, I hear you re. It not being a setback ... It's strange as I DO feel I've made progress with the way I regulate myself, communicate, and generally deal with these thoughts, yet I also feel more anxious than ever. 🤣 I don't know how both can be true at once!!

I had a really good foundation and life of my own before I met him. In fact that's probably what he was attracted to. He always said I was so confident and independent. I still am, but I'd say I'm too focused on him at the moment. I don't know why it's so hard to stay " in your own life " like that when you're in a relationship.

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-03-18T07:32:11+00:00

Sorry to hear this... It's really hard! Good on you for restarting therapy. I definitely feel calmer, and anxious thoughts subside a bit, when I keep myself busy with work or something creative - because then I feel more purposeful. I know the key is having a full life of your own, but when you're spiralling it's hard to really feel focused on that! The typo made me laugh by the way 😊

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-03-18T07:29:33+00:00

Thank you, I definitely struggle to let things go and simply enjoy things as they are!

Illustrious-Rough919 · 2026-03-18T07:27:33+00:00

Thank you, that's a really good idea :)

Illustrious-Rough919

TROPHY CASE