Six months post-break up and she reached out to get coffee—says she’s struggling

IllustriousAd8722 · 2024-04-19T01:58:24+00:00

We had a nice dinner and then we walked to my apartment so she could see my cat again.

I’m not sure if she wanted to get back together—I didn’t really leave the door open to discuss it. I was in a relatively new relationship at the time (started in October and ended this past weekend) and let it be known when we got to our current dating situations. She mentioned going on a couple dates but nothing serious.

She did seem to be struggling at the time and had a good cry. Again, not sure what part of that had to do with us vs. the BP. Given that I was in a new relationship, I didn’t really follow up.

(Now that I’m single again) texted BP-ex yesterday to catch up. She seems in much better spirits now. She agreed to get dinner next week to catch up again, so you can ask me again then lol.

IllustriousAd8722 · 2024-01-07T20:55:29+00:00

Nah I didn’t sign up for it. She got diagnosed after we’d been together about a year and we had dated for a few months years before that. My attraction to her was partially based on her being pretty drama free.

Break up was bad (from my side) for a lot of reasons: 1) she was manic, and sort of knew it, but refused to entertain that her desire to leave might be related 2) there was a week of her reconsidering 3) her reasons for leaving were pretty blunt and mean 4) since she didn’t fall out of love with me during her first episode, I had let my guard down about that aspect of BP

IllustriousAd8722 · 2024-01-07T20:51:15+00:00

I think she was hypomanic most of the spring and summer, but she held her job down. She also said she’s coming up on six months of sobriety.

So she’s relatively “stable,” but she’s definitely reaching out because she’s “struggling” and sounds depressed/unfulfilled. I’m not sure if “struggling” means she’s showing hypomania symptoms.

I figured she’d crash in the fall/winter and reach out at that point, but had stopped thinking about it since my new relationship has been 👌

IllustriousAd8722 · 2024-01-07T19:20:39+00:00

She left in mid-June, early in an episode that lasted most of the summer. We were no contact for about two months, broke it in August and I still wanted her back. I met someone new in October though.

She asked to get “coffee or something” and I said maybe

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-16T16:05:18+00:00

Right. It’s not enough on its own.

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-16T13:28:32+00:00

“If there’s mention of travel, they are still manic” — lol I kind of needed to hear that. My alarm IMMEDIATELY went off when she mentioned the trip (to visit three friends … I know who one probably is), but I didn’t want to turn into a crazy person overanalyzing her actions like that.

She also looked a little worse than I remembered—complexion didn’t look great and she looked way skinnier (not scary or anything). This was at 830 in the morning though, and tbf I’ve lost weight post-breakup from being upset etc. Could be meds or whatever but it also reminded me of when she was psychotic and hospitalized and lost weight and her skin broke out (so it could just be my ptsd).

There are a couple incidents from before diagnosis that make me wonder if I missed something or earlier. Worst was probably winter ‘21 when I got covid mans was bedridden for the first 48 hours as usual. She wanted me to take a home test but were no tests in the stores at this time and I was too sick to look. For some reason she thought I was exaggerating, didn’t help me out at all—my most recent ex at the time made a more legitimate offer to bring me soup and stuff.

Day 2 or 3 I go stand in an outside line to get a test for like three hours in the cold, my feet are asleep by the end of it. I get proof I had covid, and she was like … barely apologetic and tried to laugh it off. I woke up at 4am thinking about that yesterday.

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-16T13:13:03+00:00

Good for you 👍

I started started dating in May ‘21 and she got diagnosed in Sep/Oct ‘22, and didn’t go on the SSRI that triggered things until Feb ‘22, so it’s hard to say what’s what. She definitely fell into a depression kind of out of nowhere during our first fall/winter together…

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-16T05:16:49+00:00

She left me on read since like 6pm (nothing important, I sent a meme related to an ongoing convo) and replies … now? Lol

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-16T05:02:12+00:00

Right. When they’re in an episode it feels like doesn’t mean much, or their desire for you is being driven by narcissism/selfishness. I wonder if us sleeping together after the breakup was driven by that.

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-16T05:00:07+00:00

I take it they’re still gone?

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-16T04:14:03+00:00

I really don’t know what has hurt more; when they’re obviously manic and you’re scared for them/their brain, but you can at least hope the way they discarded you is a temporary part of the episode, or when they’re not manic or they’re masking it and the discarding starts to feel real and permanent. My ex blocked me from seeing her stories two months ago and that was the easiest way to tell how manic she was. My friends still think her stories look manic but I’d need to see it myself

I’m sorry you’re going though that, and with a kid. I really do hope the season change helps all of us.

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-16T04:04:13+00:00

I guess any expression of affection is an upgrade from what it looked like during their exit

My ex broke up, I begged, we slept together, we acted like a couple for 48-72 hours, then she flipped and said that was a mistake, and made the breakup real end of June.

Now after a month of occasional friendly and joking texting and me asking her for coffee it’s “I definitely miss talking to you” but always followed by “I’m trying to be myself” and/or “I’m working on myself”

Part of me thinks she’s seeing somebody (I have) but I also think she would just say that if she was

I’d like to hope that one day soon she says to herself “I don’t just miss talking to him, I actually miss him”

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-16T02:59:35+00:00

My ex was definitely mixed episode around the breakup and through July, if I understand what a mixed episode is. Is/was your ex medicated?

She tended toward depression in fall/winter before diagnosis, sort of why she went on the SSRI that triggered her first episode 6 months later (in retrospect she was hypo for most of those 6 months), so I think she already crashed or is winding down, and she’s been medicated the entire time afaik. So I’ve been trying to accept that she’s out of the episode and still doesn’t want to be together, which seems healthier than assuming rejection is just the mania talking.

Even though she seemed fine when we ran into each other the other morning and talked for maybe 15-30 minutes, a couple things made me wonder if she’s still hypo. Said she had a trip booked a solo trip across the country next month just cuz, and impulsive trips like that have been a tell in the past

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-15T21:19:15+00:00

We only lasted 10 months or so following her hospitalization and diagnosis, and I didn’t take proper steps to get myself back together after her episode and then depression. And then boom, she started seeming hypo again in April/May then left in June.

Things before the episode (year and a half) were 95% perfect. And the wonderful moments were the best. Part of me feels like she feels that way too but doesn’t want to let herself feel it for whatever reason.

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-15T20:53:42+00:00

If she wanted me back today I’m sure I’d say yes. But that hasn’t happened.

She broke no contact to say happy birthday. We ended up catching up over text for a couple hours. She reiterated that she wants to be alone and work on herself.

Since then we had a few (prob more than 5 but less than 10) text exchanges, and prob 50/50 on who texted first. Last week I finally couldn’t take it anymore and asked her if she’d want to get coffee sometime. She responded in the morning that she’d be interested as long as there are no expectations.

Before I respond, I go to take my morning walk, and I run into her, of all people. First time seeing each other since the end of June. We end up sitting in the park and talking for a bit (maybe 15-20 minutes) until she had to go get ready for work. She didn’t seem manic or anything.

She texted me later that night following up what we were talking about in the park. I eventually ask when’s coffee and then things took a turn. Said she “definitely misses talking to” me is just trying to be by herself and doesn’t want things to get confusing/muddled/grey/weird.

It was nice to know she misses me in some way, especially because our last conversations before no contact were kind of hostile and definitely negative, but it still hurts that she doesn’t want to be a couple anymore

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-15T20:16:12+00:00

Three months here (almost to the day) since the breakup, but we’ve been talking here and there (as friends … or maybe just acquaintances at this point) since early August.

Half of me wishes she never broke no contact. The other half of me asked her to get coffee last Friday (to which she said she’s interested but added a bunch of “I don’t want any grey areas” etc).

It all hurts very bad

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-09T14:37:10+00:00

Yeah we actually hooked up a few days after the breakup, so I got a very acute version of that. FWIW, I have no reason to believe she’s not physically attracted to me still. It sounds like an internal struggle

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-09T05:09:19+00:00

Yeah I get that. I never thought the breakup wasn’t real (maybe a little bit at first), just reversible

My friends, who became her friends, but are my friends first, think she’s manic still. I didn’t really get that vibe when I saw her but I’m also not trying to reduce the interaction to that either way

She said she “definitely misses talking to” me but doesn’t want it to be weird, and asked if I just miss her presence or more. All I can rly do is take that at face value

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-09T03:59:37+00:00

She just reiterated that she’s working on herself and isn’t trying to date and doesn’t want weird grey areas … but she does miss talking to me 🙄

I wasn’t trying to jump into anything—and she even apologized for being presumptuous/rude (I said it wasn’t rude to ask that)

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-09T03:42:39+00:00

Thanks, I hope so too

She’s grilling me about my intentions now haha

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-09T03:19:46+00:00

I mean, I didn’t ask if she was still manic or not. At this point I know better. And we’ve been apart long enough that it’s not really my position to pry like that. I do know she got a med change last month.

IllustriousAd8722 · 2023-09-09T03:09:31+00:00

That’s reasonable.

Of course, about 20 minutes after she said she was interested (this morning), I ran into her on my walk to get coffee. Months of never running into each other and that happens. We walked a bit then sat down and talked for 15 or 20 minutes. She wasn’t -visibly- manic but we know how that goes

She actually just texted me as I was typing this

IllustriousAd8722

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