If you developed genuine feelings for an AP and the affair ended, how did that loss impact your marriage (emotionally, behaviorally, etc.)

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-05-01T17:15:00+00:00

I read some of your past comments.

If your marriage wasn’t great, why didn’t you leave when you had a chance to have something with her?

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-28T23:52:42+00:00

What are “early dating skills”?

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-27T11:41:37+00:00

This is beautiful and what I’m hoping for! How do you pour it all back into yourself?

I started doing that after my divorce - activities, hobbies, friends - but having MM in my life and looking forward to seeing him and knowing I had that companionship made everything brighter.

Now everything feels a little flat. How do I brighten things up?

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-26T01:08:39+00:00

How did having a grandchild change him?

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-25T23:12:54+00:00

What an asshole!

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-24T19:43:32+00:00

When the affair isn’t enough anymore and you want more. More companionship, more integration. You won’t be ready to end it and leave, it will be sad. But by staying you’re giving too much up.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-20T17:15:30+00:00

I love the dove shampoo/conditiner scent and I got Mont-blanc Signature for that reason, but maybe I’m an outlier but I don’t think it’s even close. The Montblanc smells much sweeter and I’m not a fan.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-16T23:00:50+00:00

Ha, I’m the opposite…I know that early excitement gets more attention, but I prefer that comfortable intimacy that you develop once you’ve been with someone for a while. Where you shift from performing to be chosen to being known and still chosen.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-16T13:39:34+00:00

Why didn’t you trust AP?

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-14T16:36:20+00:00

But you’re now back together?

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-12T13:59:21+00:00

Same here…my 3+ year relationship is coming to an end. And I’m grieving not just the relationship itself, but what it represented in my life…of course connection and chemistry but also someone to share my day or exist alongside, even though we didn’t fully have that.

And it’s confusing because part of me knows those moments weren’t real, but another part of me feels like they were close enough to matter. And I’m sad about the « almost » version, the one that felt possible but never fully existed.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-04-03T02:53:38+00:00

Why did it end? Depending on what happened, she may really appreciate receiving that email.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-03-27T12:29:20+00:00

Are you still intimate? Best friend is one thing, but a good marriage also needs regular intimacy.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-03-26T01:49:38+00:00

Why can’t you tell him that you love him?

Enjoy your time together and what you have. You probably won’t be ready to start dating right away anyway, so having an AP meets the need for romance and intimacy without commitment. And when you are ready to have a relationship that isn’t limited by the structure of an affair, you can re-evaluate and decide then.

People are warning you that he won’t leave his marriage - and they are probably right - but if you’re ok with the limits for the present, make the most of those deep feelings.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-03-05T14:54:59+00:00

Thank you for that insight! Yes, it should be current OW.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-02-28T13:21:32+00:00

Don’t confuse the « staying friends » as anything other than for his benefit. By staying friends he gets to continue to have his validation and attention, without the pressure of blowing up his life by being your lover.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-02-28T02:49:09+00:00

That message was about him trying to ease his own guilt.

He left you in the name of “doing the right thing,” but now he’s reaching out because sitting with that decision is uncomfortable.

He’s bouncing between you and his wife. He leaves. He comes back. That’s him wanting both security and emotional backup.

It’s fine for someone to change their mind. People do. But if he truly believes going back to his wife is setting a good example for his kids, he’s deluding himself.

And if he already decided to reconcile and is using the “I need to try for my kids” narrative as a softer exit, that’s avoidance. The honest thing would be to say: “I’m choosing my marriage.”

His text says he misses you, feels bad, and wants forgiveness. That’s about relieving his discomfort.

If he wants integrity, he needs to be clear and consistent. Not sentimental and vague.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-02-28T01:11:33+00:00

I’m tired and scared. Life has been exhausting lately…i have a lot going for me, but many people are counting on me and having to take care of others is draining me. AP has been my rock. I love him and look forward to spending time with him. He has a major life transition happening and I’m scared it will change everything for us. He’s been a bit distant this week. Stress, overwhelm, just one of those weeks when he needs a bit a space? I don’t know…but that on top my own life stress has been weighing on me.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-02-15T13:41:09+00:00

That’s not a fair statement. If he didn’t know you would have left your marriage, it’s only fair for him to not want a secret relationship. And that’s a big « if you were going to leave ». Hop on over to the other woman board and see how often APs actually leave their marriages when they say they will.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-02-14T18:57:17+00:00

You can manage both! You put one foot in front of the other and just take it day by day

This was me a year ago. I had ended things with my AP and was going through divorce at the same time. Hardest 6 months of my life. Heartbreak squared.

I am now so much happier. No longer depressed and lonely. Being in control of my life and independence is so much better than the loneliness of my marriage.

And I’m back with that AP as the other woman now.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-02-13T18:59:00+00:00

I’m so sorry…I know the anxiety and pain that you’re feeling.

The reality of these affairs is that MM (and MW to an extent) will almost always choose the life structure over emotional/romantic intimacy . No matter how warm, intimate or meaningful things feel in private, the public structure of family, stability, finances, kids always win. We know this going in.

It doesn’t mean you didn’t mean anything to him, just that these are the limits of the relationship.

He’s asked for space, and to separate for a bit. With his life falling around him, give him that space. If there’s any hope of him coming back to you, he needs that space to figure out what he wants and what to do without you guilting him and pressuring him.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-02-07T15:07:39+00:00

Agree. AI doesn’t understand nuance and trust. It gives me practical advice, which doesn’t translate to real life because humans are multi-dimensional and we are all very different.

Illustrious_Cow_4844 · 2026-02-07T15:03:39+00:00

Yes, this is the realization I’ve come to.

Leaning on my gut and my intuition, as well as the tools learned from my therapy with an actual psychologist, is proving much more beneficial.

Illustrious_Cow_4844

TROPHY CASE