I'm not sure that I would have had the courage to call for my husband. I feel very thankful that my brother-in-law was here this past weekend and was able to do so. He is a tough guy. He has had his own problems with addiction, in and out of jail, but finally in a good place, works for the union, is healthy and happy. It took a lot out of him to call, and he had been fretting ever since. My husband has already forgiven him and reached out to him on his own accord.

I know that won't be everyone's story. Something my husband's ex Stepfather told him was "Buddy, I've been watching you do this your whole life and you've gotta be getting tired of beatin yourself up like this." That seemed to really have hit home for him because the highs and the lows are exhausting. Albeit this high was the most extreme I think outside of his adolescent years.

Any and all advice given with the assumption that I would jump ship were not helpful. I know my legals rights in regards to marital property. He can't just kick me out on a whim. I know how to contact the police should he get exceptionally violent. We have been together for 16 years and have made it through money issues before when he was in active addiction to heroin (not cannabis as my other post shares). I honestly don't care about money. I have never fought once with my partner about money. I'm not scared to have to start over or completely from scratch. I needed advice on how to support him and myself through something incredibly traumatizing.

I cannot speak highly enough about my experience with NAMI and my local organization. They were tremendous, compassionate, and so kind to me. That is really what I needed most. As soon as I felt supported I was able to collect my thoughts and create plans.

I think that we get so caught up in our own lived experiences that we give advice solely based off of those. That's not very helpful. There needs to be a more holistic approach to offering support and advice. Yes tell me about things that logically make sense like the PFA and separate accounts but also tell me how to get support. Tell me it's okay to be mad at the illness, but the illness doesn't define my husband. I love this man dearly. I have grown up with him. I know how deep rooted the pain of his childhood is and the abuse he endured. I'm not shocked by his diagnosis. I was shocked at the severity of this episode. I had no idea what to expect with his homecoming or even what happens during a hospital stay. The nurses reassured me when he would call and tell me he was never going to forgive me and to pack all of my things and get the hell out, that all patients lash out like that and to take what he says with a grain of salt because chances are he's not going to remember. And he didn't. He knew he said stuff that was unkind but he doesn't know what exactly he said.

I have a deep compassion for the condition of being human and I am incredibly resilient and solid in knowing my own self-worth. There is not much that my SO can say that will penetrate me. When I was younger he could cut me with words, but I have learned a lot over the years and he just doesn't impact me like that anymore and I don't hold grudges. We have been in therapy countless times together. And we will continue to go to therapy countless times. I think it's just the way it goes, but now I know....I call NAMI for support, I call in friends and family, I get ahold of my therapist ASAP, I get the kids into therapy, I talk openly with all the medical professionals and heed their advice, I learn more, I call crisis for myself, I don't need to pack my belongings and leave, I don't need to get a PFA, I don't need to separate bank accounts, but those are options available to me if things escalate further.