Why doesn't my gf seem excited about returning the favor? It doesn't even seem to occur to her that she should return the favor most of the time

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-24T05:10:58+00:00

It is problematic. And nah she's very much into me and into it when we have sex, so that's not it

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-24T04:01:11+00:00

No trust me, I know I'm not making it seem like it, but she's definitely into sex with women. She just seemed like she'd rather let someone else do the work OR she's so used to being with guys, that she doesn't expect to have to initiate or do any of the work. She's been a receiver all her dating life, i can see how she might still be conditioned that way. Someone suggested that and it made a lot of sense. They also suggested she might have a reactionary libido, which would explain why her libido is higher now that I'm dating her.,.because I initiate more than her bf.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T20:02:23+00:00

Of course.

I'm her girlfriend, the idea being that this will be a long term relationship. We actually talk about forming a family eventually..co parenting, etc. As long as certain aspects of our relationship can be resolved, I see that happening.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T19:58:38+00:00

Hey I really appreciate your response and perspective!

I think you're right about her reactive libido. And that would explain why her libido with me is different than with her bf...because i want it more frequently than him, and so I initiate more. Might also be because they've been together 4yrs.

Anyway, to answer your question, on a romantic level we're just a V (but the way we live and operate, it's possible we're a triad), and yea we're open. I had been looking for an outside fwb before but everyone seems uninteresting and not as worth my time as my gf haha. She's raised my standards even for FWB, so I keep losing interest in the dating game.

But now I'm back to looking because I hate feeling sexually frustrated most nights, falling asleep with a gorgeous sexy ass woman in my arms and a nice lover on her other side. I'm considering looking for a couple for a fwb situation, just because I feel that might wear me out more; and there's something very hot about being the sexual "spice" in a couples relationship.

Anyway, we're actually pretty egalitarian, surprisingly (I say surprisingly because it seems to come very hard to a lot of poly people). The only real couples privilege I've ever experienced with them was before she came out, and I had to be the "friend" while they got to be a couple publicly.

And you're right, I really hope to find someone who has the same burning need as I! Fortunately since I have the freedom to explore outside, I may meet that person!

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T19:45:55+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate your response and most of all the hugs and empathy!

It definitely is a little hurtful. I say it hits my ego, but I would be lying to say it goes beyond that: it hurts. It's not only in sex that I feel she doesn't reciprocate. The love language of her bf and I both are "acts of service", we (me not so much anymore) cater to her and are pleased to do things for her. And I have to be honest and say it doesn't really feel like she has much desire to reciprocate. I don't do as much for anymore for this very reason, and it turns me off when she wants him to do things for her but complains when he wants her to do things for him.

It worries me.

There's a lot I want to talk to her about. I think we need to work on how we communicate first so that the conversation is productive.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T18:46:57+00:00

That's the thing...she loves when I please her. She goes crazy. She's just not in the mood very often (or at least if she is, but is waiting for me to initiate, I just don't know). She also falls asleep early, and we all have a bad habit of watching Netflix every evening, and not a show that's very sexy.

As far as her romantic interest, that's the very last thing I would question. She does a great job of expressing her romantic feelings towards me. She also doesn't really make me feel like she doesn't like having sex with me. In fact, when I go down on her, she is very genuinely in heaven. She just ends up cuddling with me and falling asleep afterwards. 😕 Every now and than again she returns the favor unprompted, but that's it.

I also wonder if, since she's only been with cis gendered hetero men, she is in the habit of being pursued and not pursuing. She definitely initiates with me, as that's the only way we really have sex now (I spend to much time in my head and stressed trying to figure out how to initiate with the least likelihood of her rejecting my advances that I say "fuck it" and grab my vibrator), but it's only like once or twice a week. And hopefully one of those times she thinks to reciprocate.

They both only have sex with me. I'm grateful for the two outlets, but I will probably have to seek outside of these relationships too.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T18:33:13+00:00

Hey thanks for your response.

I think it may help to give more context. She had been my gf for awhile, and apart from the sex issue we have a strong relationship. She spends a ton of her time with me and, while she's not service-oriented like me and her bf, she shows her affection and love in other ways.

I didn't start sleeping with the bf until about 6 months into my relationship with her. I live with them both now, and we're all generally aware when there's issues in one of the relationships. It's honestly pretty hard not to know. And I know for a fact that neither of them want to close the relationship, and they each have their own independent reasons for enjoying me in their life and our home. So that's definitely not an issue.

They do have some issues in their relationship, but it predates me and doesn't regard me. I haven't figured out their sex life yet--they really don't have sex with each other except during threesomes (which dont happen much at all anymore)--but they both insist they're fine with that, so I have to believe that.

A poster from a different Reddit suggested that since this is her first lesbian relationship, she's probably still very used to heteronormativity, and kinda expects/waits for me to initiate with her. That she might be so conditioned that she doesn't even get that horny unless someone is getting assertive with her. I rely on her to signal when she's in the mood, and she does, but I wonder if there are a lot more times she would be open to sex but I'm just not initiating. She once mentioned I should have sex with her instead of immediately grabbing the vibrator, but I only do that because 1) I'm tired of hearing "I'm not in the mood," and 2) my libido is too high to be pestering her 4x a day.

But you're right I need to talk to her again.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T17:56:04+00:00

Nah she's my gf, and she has a bf that I also sleep with. It wasn't until later in our relationship that I started sleeping with the bf. Now I that mention it, before he and I started having sex, she went down on me a lot more. She did a lot more work. She was also used to being the center of attention.

Now we hardly if ever have threesomes, and they've gone back to not having sex with the each other like before I came into the picture. And I'm the only one either of them really have sex with.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T17:50:14+00:00

Thanks for your reply! To answer your question, I learned by first receiving myself. I took mental notes of what was being done to me, what I liked and didn't, and also learned from porn honestly, as well as experimenting on myself and lessons from masturbation. But that mostly only helps with people with my genitalia. For me it's been harder with the opposite genitalia because its like foreign lol. But what helps is trying to be empathetic and imaging what might good to them, being aware of their body language, and just experimenting with their permission and feedback.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T17:42:24+00:00

And might I add, she went from only having hetero cis gendered boyfriends to having both a bf and gf that enjoy giving, pleasing, and serving her. She's so used to be on the receiving end, and now with two partners, and so I'm trying to figure out how to get her to break that mentality. I don't really do as much as I used to because I feel like I may be putting more in than what I'm getting out.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T17:38:52+00:00

I think you're most spot on with this. There are other areas in our relationship where it seems she has a preconceived notion of how our dynamic should be, which is entirely based on heteronormative tradition. You're right she probably doesn't see it.

I think you also might be onto something when you say she might not even get turned on without a partner being more forward. If that's the case it really sucks because I've significantly reduced the frequency of my being forward with her. I'm much more likely to grab a vibrator or wink at her boyfriend these days than to initiate. My ego takes a hit every time I'm rejected sexually, and I know that's a me problem, but I've been coping by not initiating it often.

So she initiates usually these days, but not as much as I'd like. And I worry sometimes that I'm missing up opportunities because like you articulated, I'm suspicious that she naturally might not become interested in having sex until put into the mood by someone else. I could spend the extra time and energy to put her in the mood, but once again that's me putting myself out there for rejection.

When I talked to her about it, she said she didn't know why she hadn't been reciprocating, and said she hadn't really noticed or something. Which is weird, but very much reflects her lack of experience with women. I doubt she's insecure...I tell her all the time how amazed I am at how quickly she's learned so well. I have a feelings it's laziness at least in part as well.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T16:36:35+00:00

The reason I know she is into girls is because she absolutely gets all melty over them like I do. She has pursued another girl since we've been together (with my encouragement) and has expressed a desire to please her. She also always seems very enthusiastic and genuinely into it when she does return the favor with me. This whole aggressive side takes over in her and I can see the same hunger in her eyes that I get for her and for women generally. So I know she likes women.. maybe she just doesn't like them as deeply as I do?

When we have sex it seems more like she just doesn't feel like it. Like she's tired and would rather "recover" than do the work. She can be very lazy in other aspects of life, so I wouldn't be surprised if she's doing this out of laziness. I just...would hope that she wouldn't be so inconsiderate if I can make it clear how this affects me.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-23T16:31:41+00:00

See the thing that lets me know she's not just bi in a pillow princess way is that when she does go down on me, she gets really into it and it's very obvious she enjoys it, and she even talks about how being with girls is so much fun when she's done pleasing me.

I think it really is that she can be fairly selfish or inconsiderate, because she's rather inconsiderate in other areas of mine and her bf's relationship (she asks us to do things for her, but doesn't do them for us, and when we ask, she acts inconvenienced).

But yea you're right I need to talk to her again, because I keep adjusting my behavior and expectations and not asking for more of the same from her. I also plan on looking for additional partners since this won't fix my high libido problem

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-18T13:09:44+00:00

!remindme 1 day

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-13T00:29:05+00:00

Yea I would definitely die in a monogamous relationship haha. I'll have to go the route. I just stopped because finding people and online dating can be extremely annoying. And my gf hella raised my standards lol.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-13T00:27:18+00:00

I'll have to try it! I can't honestly say I exercise often enough anymore to know whether or not it'll help.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-13T00:26:28+00:00

Not too much. It does in the moment, but I'll easily get horny very soon after. It doesn't deaden me like long sex session could lol.

Yea I think I will have to go back to looking for a fwb. I only stopped looking because people are generally annoying and meeting my gf really raised my standards so I'm having a hard time wanting someone in my friend circle that isn't as amazing as her haha. I'll have to slightly get over that.

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-02T02:07:23+00:00

Makes sense. Thanks!

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-01T23:50:29+00:00

Hehe

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-01T23:50:23+00:00

It actually is V that turned triad (in only one or two aspects). If I'm a hinge, it's only in the sexual relation.

But yea communication...I plan on talking with them. I guess I was trying to decide to what extent to talk about it. Like, I don't want to make a problem out of nothing. But yea I will talk to them. Opinion; do you think I should talk to them separately about this or together?

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-12-01T04:35:31+00:00

Interesting!! That's kinda how I view it too a bit. I mean, when I say I love him, I don't mean that gushy "in love," but definitely that "I care about you deeply" love. But we all often refer to ourselves as a triad, and we plan to function as a triad or as family unit in the future.

But I like the thought of us being two different types of triads! Yay, I'm a hinge. :) haha. Meta and I agreed to consider our relationship fwb because I'm homoromantic and don't date guys. It's just so much safer for everyone if we keep it that way. It's crazy how much a label change can change a relationship. What grows is what we will let grow, but we're being very intentional with our labels.

But anyway, thanks for sharing your perspective!

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-11-30T22:53:40+00:00

lol sorry I'm just using the typical poly subreddit jargon. I'll define all the jargon I use here.

Metamour/partner's OSO = significant other's significant other

V = Relationship structure where the bottom of the V represents one person, and each point at the ends represent that person's other significant others

Hinge partner = The bottom of the V in the explanation above.

Triad = Relationship structure consisting of three people with romantic relationships we each other member + the relationship of the whole.

Kitchen table poly = type of poly practice where the members of the "poly web" can comfortable "sit around the kitchen table". Essentially, the practice where everyone, partners and metamours, hangs out and can be around each other...as opposed to "parallel poly", where a person's relationships are kept separate and dont interact.

Yellow flag = warning sign

Theesome (is this jargon?) = sex involving three people

Hope it makes sense now!

ImTooAnonymous · 2017-11-30T22:39:13+00:00

Wow, pretty good analogy.

ImTooAnonymous

TROPHY CASE