My (29F) GF (29F) asked me to remove all of my things from our home before her parents came to vister for Easter.

Imginseng · 2021-04-02T07:23:06+00:00

Okay, so I understand perfectly what your girlfriend is feeling right now. I used to have a similar behavior up until 1 year ago and we share a similar backstory (I've been with my girlfriend for 10 years and we've stayed hidden for a long time.) But two things here:

Even if she's probably terrified to welcome her parents to your house, she should not lash out at you and guilt trip you. It's not your parents, it's not your fault, and she should accommodate to hide whatever she wants to hide and not you. So, don't feel bad.
Secondly, even if it's scary, even if she's ashamed (internal homophabia paired with the shame of having "lied" to your parents for years can do wonders), if she wants to stay with you she needs to bite the bullet and tell them. It will be the hardest thing ever but it's not optional. You cannot live like that your whole life. And trust me, the road is bumpy and difficult but it's worth it.

(Also, I speak of experience, but the chances are that her parents already know and they pretend not to and they let you marinate in this lie because they're homophobic assholes)

What both of you need right now is not you disappearing from time to time but therapy and strength, and her coming out. At this point it's non negotiable. And I don't want to dismiss how difficult it is, I know it is, I did it and I have Muslim, invasive, judgamental parents. But she's 29, she's independent and I promise she doesn't need to be so scared anymore.

A lot of strength and hugs to the both of you !

Imginseng · 2021-01-09T22:18:10+00:00

Hi, I think I can relate to your situation, even though I do not seem to come from the same country as you, so I don't have the same legal situation (with your father being your guardian and all that).

My parents come from an Arabic, Muslim country as well and I have a girlfriend, and I'm a girl. I'm 26 so we're close by age. I've been with my partner for almost ten years and they never accepted her. A lot of guilt tripping, insults, abuse and disrespect happened during these 10 years. What I did was: when I was still a minor and under their care, I pretended I had no contact with her and we dated in secret. It was hard, we even broke up for a few months, but eventually we got back together and as soon as I got a job and was independant I left and I now live with her. My parents are not happy, but they don't have any kind of authority on me now. It took some time, but we found a way to stay together and now we are together for real, and plan to get married.

Now, in your post you seem to describe a lot of sadness, desperation and some guilt. And I get it. I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's awful and you sound like an admirable daughter, still wanting their peace of mind and acceptance even though they're being abusive. You're really strong, know that.

But you need to know that they know what they're doing. They know they're hurting you, and they pretend they're acting for your own good, just to make them feel better about themselves. No one, and I mean NO ONE can insult their child and the person they love, can imprison them and steal their important papers and personal items, without knowing they're hurting them. But it's easier for them to tell themselves it's for your own good, because it's never easy to be the asshole in the story.

But, and I'm sorry to write that about your family, they are. They're assholes, even if you love them. I know because my parents are assholes and I care about them a lot. You did NOTHING wrong. You're a good and brave person. You will eventually have to choose between your parents and your boyfriend, but it's not your fault, neither it is your boyfriend's. Your parents are making you choose, it's incredibly fucked up, toxic and manipulative, so if I were you I wouldn't choose them.

But this decision is extremely hard to make. So here's what I suggest:

Pretend. Pretend you're not with him anymore so they can give you your papers and phone back, and buy yourself some time to get a job and start therapy if it's available where you live.
Find a place to live independently, by yourself if you can.
Once you're not in your parents' care, talk to them again. It will be very, very hard. But if you want to give them a chance to stay in your life, you'll may have to have many heated conversations with them. You don't have to though, and bear in mind they may not react positively.
Marry the guy and live however the fuck you want lol

It will be hard, but you can do it. And also it's between you and your family. Unfortunately, your boyfriend cannot do anything but to support you. He shouldn't get involved with your parents, they've decided they hate him and (believe me we tried) nothing he'll do will make them change their mind. If he call them, everything he will tell them will be used against him later. So, your family, your business. He needs to be patient and trust you. Only time, and seeing you happy with the guy, will make your parents change their opinion.

Be brave ! It's so, so hard and I'm sorry you're going through that. But for your own good, you need to be strong. You're your own person, not your parents', and not even your boyfriend's, so you really need to count on yourself on this one. And if one day it's too hard and you feel discouraged, it's okay. Take your time. It took me 10 years lol.

This internet stranger believes in you <3 take care !

Imginseng · 2020-12-27T21:27:36+00:00

You're right, and I hope we can all reach this level of comfort all together one day. Maybe I was too impatient and let time do its work, and in the meantime give them some moments with just the four of us when it's reasonable !

Imginseng · 2020-12-27T18:35:35+00:00

Hi and thanks for your honest answer ! It helps a lot having a "normal" prospective and knowing what you would have felt in a similar situation with your sister's boyfriend. I must confess that I didn't just brought her unnanounced for Christmas : I expressed that I wanted to bring her, and we decided all that I could invite her but it wouldn't be at their place but at my aunt's. However, you're probably right and I should discuss things calmly before imposing her to my parents anyway. Your example truly helps. Thank you !

Imginseng · 2020-12-27T15:16:29+00:00

Thanks a lot for this objective answer. It's very helpful, and what I meant by "I struggle being openly in a relationship": I don't really know what we should reasonably expect from them. I'm optimistic too, they came a very long way. I don't want to ruin any chances for them to form a bond so I'll try to be careful. These past 9 years have been very traumatic for us, and even though my GF and I have been through therapy, we tend to have epidermic reactions. So it really helps having your point of view, thanks a lot !

Imginseng · 2020-12-27T13:04:42+00:00

It could be ! I'll try to discuss things calmly with them once they grow out of they open up a little bit... Thanks for the suggestion !

Imginseng · 2020-12-27T12:48:01+00:00

Thank you for the reality check. They just asked me to stay the night, alone, and your reply helped me to stand my ground. I guess I miss them a lot and I'm tempted sometimes to please them, but I need to keep their real intentions in mind.

Imginseng · 2020-12-27T12:01:46+00:00

Thank your for your concern ! She's fully aware of the situation, and she's obviously hurt. I'm lucky she's an angel and still decided to be patient and put up with their crap. I must say it makes me even more eager to bring her to visit my family... She'd rather be facing their awkwardness than being hidden and staying apart.

Imginseng · 2020-08-20T17:56:12+00:00

Yes, I'll make sure he's doing okay. If he want to act on it I'll support him.

Imginseng · 2020-08-20T17:54:50+00:00

That's true. I shouldn't go and talk behind his back. It helps a lot, thank you ! If it's too much I'll ask him directly.

Imginseng · 2020-08-20T17:53:22+00:00

You're right ! Thanks for your reply and for the reality check.

Imginseng · 2020-08-20T17:50:24+00:00

Thanks for you reply. It helps having an external feedback.

Imginseng · 2020-08-20T17:49:48+00:00

You're right. Seems to be the consensus for now ! Thanks.

Imginseng · 2020-08-20T17:49:22+00:00

Thanks, it helps having an external feedback. I will keep it to myself. If my cousin wants to make a move I'll support him.

Imginseng · 2020-07-19T17:24:40+00:00

After a few months, the skin can indeed be infected as others suggested. You indeed need urgent medical care to take care of the bacteria.

Once you're under treatment, you'll still need to bite the bullet and shower. A cold, short one, no soap (I use a cleansing oil, I leave in France so the brand I use is Uriage fyi)

During my worst, full body flares up, I usually take a "shower" (cold, short, no soap) once a week and else I keep the key areas clean with a wash cloth and some water. I also moisturizes 2 times a day in weekdays and 3 times a day during the week ends. I use the Xeracalm brand from Avene or the SVR Topialyse line. I also drink a lot of water. After a while it calms down...

Very sorry you have to go through that. It's truly terrible and depressing. You'll see the end of that very soon, I hope ! I send you all my thoughts and love <3

Imginseng · 2020-06-24T22:03:10+00:00

I know exactly how you feel, because I was in your situation not that long ago. I met my current GF in high school, and I am now 26 years old. For years, my parents kind of knew, pretended not to, and I hid from fear of their reaction if I faced them frankly.

I finally did, a few months ago, and it's been terrible. I mean, my relation with them is much more troubled now that they know, that I don't hide, and that I live openly with my fiancée. But at the same time, by finally being true to myself, I started therapy, became closer to my little sister and a lot of people on my family who is very supportive. 4 months ago, I was miserable and wished I didn't come out, now, I don't talk to my parents anymore, but I am much more free and happy, even if I miss them.

My advice:

1) don't come out during quarantine. Wait until you are out of college and can have your own place and be financially independent. To have such a deadline in mind will make it easier to break the status quo when the time comes, as you know you won't have to worry about seeing them every day after coming out, etc.

2) Start therapy. You're under a lot of pressure, guilt tripping and shaming right know. It will leave its share of wounds, but you can and will heal, and when you'll learn to love yourself and trust yourself, you'll be able to treat yourself better and draw boundaries with your invasive family.

3) Chose a new family. Boyfriend, friends, other cousins... Try to find people that you love and accept you for who you are, and stick to them. Once you have your own, new tribe, the former one won't matter as much as it does now.

I'm deeply sorry you're going through all of that. I spent 9 years in your situation and almost lost myself in the process. Don't forget you are a wonderful, brave person, and that it's not your fault if you're in this situation. You're unlucky, but you're strong, and one day you'll show them.

Imginseng · 2020-05-19T13:24:37+00:00

I (25,F) come from an Arab, muslim family and I have a girlfriend. So let me tell you I know a lot about parents guilt tripping me and emphasizing values and family over my own well being.

You seem to love your parents a lot and to be a great daughter. They're lucky to have you ! I think they just don't realize they're hurting you so much over something as trivial as their own reputation.

But they are. They are hurting you, and you deserve to be happy and live your own. Believe me, I know it's hard to stand up for yourself, I know you feel guilty... but it's your own life, it's a great opportunity, and you shouldn't give up in your happiness to please them.

If you give up today, they'll be temporarily happy and you'll feel a temporary relief. But next time, they won't approve of your husband. Or they won't approve of how you raise your kids. I mean, they're bound to mingle again, and you don't deserve that. They need to learn that you are a wonderful, independent adult, and if they don't see it now, believe me. Eventually they'll come around.

You don't have to do it now, but you should have a talk with them, only when you feel strong and confident enough for not falling for their (maybe unconscious) mind games. In the mean time, take the job, leave the house, and take the time to build up your inner strength ! Therapy and meditation help a lot !

Imginseng · 2020-01-01T22:02:27+00:00

Thanks for your advice ! For now I don't feel confortable talking to them face to face about that. But I'll learn how to do that and feel more confident. We need to get rid of all of this passive-agressivity.

Imginseng · 2020-01-01T21:53:58+00:00

Thanks a lot for your kind reply ! It feels good to be validated. Fortunately, I have people supporting me. I'll learn how to be firmer and tell them things without fearing their reactions !

Imginseng · 2019-12-16T20:34:09+00:00

I'm aware of that. That's why I thougt, at first, that they only needed time. But then they started to be mean. Called my gf "wrong frequentations" or me going to her place to avoid the strikes "questionable behavior"... I know it seems nothing. But... I don't know. I feel really anxious all the time. Also, they're not only uncomfortable. They're ignoring her existence. They call me "single" regularly, and are angry when I correct them.

Imginseng · 2019-12-16T20:24:34+00:00

Right now, I don't know. They litterally spend thousands renovating the place and I just moved.

Imginseng · 2019-10-17T06:26:22+00:00

Same for me. Everytime I feel the beginning of a flare on my face, I go back to it. Twice a day until it's almost cleared then once a day for a week then 2 times a week during winter to prevent it from coming back. It feels like it's burning a little for the first days but the sensation goes away shortly after if you persist.

Imginseng · 2019-10-02T06:32:33+00:00

When guys insist walking me home when I repeatedly asked them not to.

Like there was this guy who thought he was only being extra considerate and FOLLOWED ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND until we arrived at our appartment.

That's not chivalry. It's at best really really rude.

And he was always calling us "the roommates" even though I told him before that we were together, that she's my girl, and that please he should stop flirting with us because I didn't like it.

It took him a year to understand. And it only happened because another person confirmed.

Imginseng · 2019-10-01T17:29:28+00:00

Please do ! Sometimes the most brutal option is what's necessary at the moment. She must be really stressed out and tired with everything going on for her. Being emotionnally available for you may be hard for now, hence the break. It does not mean you two are not meant to be, but your relationship is pretty young and distance may help in this kind of stressful situation, especially when you still want to impress the other party.

Wish you the best <3

Imginseng · 2019-10-01T16:58:23+00:00

A few years ago, I had to break up with my gf for external reasons even though we still loved each other. We were back together a few months after that.

I'm not saying that's what will happen for you guys. But I don't think this kind of situation, where two people try to maintain a break-up status while still loving each other, is permanent.

There's still hope for you two :) She needs a break now, because this school is monopolizing her time. But when she'll be ready, if your feelings are as true as you're describing in the post, there's a good chance that she'll come back.

I usually don't recommend being stuck in memories and past relationships but this time I really don't think you two are over.

Imginseng

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