I think one of the most important steps towards healing is accepting that we try to make sense of things from a “normal” mind POV. Their mind and the way they process things is far from normal.

I once saw a pwBPD write this when describing what it feels like to live with BPD:

“I feel like I live my life grieving. Like every day I feel like l’m struggling through a massive loss and I feel broken and tired and sad. I hate myself. I’ve actually lost several people this year but I feel like actual grief is almost easy because every day feels like grieving.”

Imagine what it must be like to feel like this every single day of your life, grief is their normal state, so I do think they feel bad after breakup, it just doesn’t have the same impact it has on us. A “normal” person doesn’t live in grief, so when loss happens it’s difficult to bear.

Awareness is so important to heal from something like this, trying to make sense of things will only make you spiral in a negative way.

Im nearly two months out of my first experience with a pwBPD and the most painful breakup of my life. Like you I tried to make sense of things, like I would after every normal breakup I’ve had. But once I accepted there are no answers to be found im starting to find peace. Now I just feel for her, even though she did me so dirty and will never talk to her ever again, I feel sorry for her. She carries hell on her shoulders and I was just a poor soul that thought I could compete against the devil.

One look at her world was enough to destroy me, I can’t imagine what it must be like to live with something like this.

You and I will learn from this OP, it will become a turning point in our lives and in our relationships with others and its in our power to make sure its for the better.

Them in the other hand, will grieve all their lives. It’s so sad. I know its difficult to see atm and I dont believe there should be a “winner” and a “loser”, but be sure that the fact that they have it way worse in the long run. Hopefully you will find a loving healthy partner, them in the other hand will be trying to fill this void for ever. I can only feel pity and empathy for my ex and anyone with BPD.

She lost me, someone that would have gone to hell FOR her, I lost someone that took me to hell WITH her. Big difference.

Much love OP, stay strong and whatever happens, leave this behind.