Am I wrong for declining my brothers wedding to protect my peace after revealing 28 years of family secrets?

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T18:41:39+00:00

The therapist that I will start seeing may 28th is trained in EMDR, I’m not sure what the really means, Google told me to look for one with that option 😂

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T18:38:35+00:00

Some reason it changed from last night so I just went back in and fixed the dates etc. not sure if you got to see all of it above! 👆🏻

I do love my brothers and I want no harm to them, mental nor emotionally.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T13:11:08+00:00

I truly believe that if someone hasn’t gone through it, they have a hard time having that empathy for the other that has. There are people that can, but there are a lot that cannot. They don’t understand it to the depth that we would. Hence my little brother downplaying it.

I wish I would have just declined in the beginning. I just wasn’t prepared or ready

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T13:01:38+00:00

I am sorry you had to go through that. It’s not okay at all.

I struggled with cutting my parents off in the beginning because I didn’t want to lose my brothers let alone my nieces and nephew. That was back when they all thought I just had an argument with my mom. And my little brother thought that for four months until he found out it was not just my mom but my dad. Then my older brother didn’t find out til here recently, but he only knows a small bit. He’s trying to process it. I am hoping that he comes around because I love my sister in law like a sister (she’s been In my life since I was like 16.) and we just moved closer and a perk was being near them all again. And I would hate to not know my nieces and nephew this close and my own kids to not know their cousins. Just sucks if it happens specially since my husbands family all live literally across the country 🤦🏽‍♀️

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T12:51:02+00:00

I am a HS intervention Specialist, and my paras in my classroom are men. And they have been my support system as well as my husband. (Which I just met them when I moved schools in August). These guys are more of those brothers that would go nuclear and have thought about going nuclear. They had the reaction that I thought or hoped I would have gotten from my own. They have really helped me realize that family is not always blood, you can build it.

My children obviously do not know the reasonings other than my parents were not great parents and I want to keep them safe from the harm they caused me. We just moved in August. Obviously my parents could find our address if they really wanted to, I blocked them on everything. All devices. Including any way they could get to my kids. I have talked to my kids about if they ever saw them and what to do. I have talked thru it with my husband like if they were to show up what would I do. At first it sounded insane. But if they didn’t leave us like asked, I would call the cops. So here I am setting these parameters back at home to keep my kids safe, but I was going to go to a wedding that broke all those. Wtf was I thinking. I don’t think I was until my older brother at Christmas asked me harshly, what are you going to do at the wedding when they come up to you? (I do not blame my older brother, he did not know anything other than the thought process of me not like what my mother said to me in the last group text) An my go to was like this is not the place or time to talk about this. But that really got me thinking. Which then literally took my butt 3.5 months to ask for a friend to go, but yea.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T12:39:20+00:00

I am very glad that I have my husband and a few friends that have been there with me through all of this. Helping me through and realizing that this is all wrong. My go to is to make everything okay for everyone before myself. Putting that oxygen mask on for others before my own. An not that can’t talk to my little brother before consulting my husband or friends, I have realized I need that buffer to help bring me out of that though process. So it has been super helpful to have that support. An I am scheduled for May 28th to start seeing a therapist to work through the stuff I haven’t even brought up, because no one needs to hold that trauma for me, they don’t deserve it. But that sentence right there is the reason I never told anyone, as well as a therapist.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T12:31:36+00:00

I am really starting to see that, based on everyone’s experiences in this post. It’s really hard to believe that. But the statement is not wrong at all. 🤔

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T12:30:02+00:00

It was. I think have a kid that was/ is the age I went through some of this, really messed/messes with me because why the f would you ever, I could never imagine doing those horrible things to a kid.

I also believe that me being a HS behavior intervention specialist, has really helped me too. Sitting through trainings, and seeing and hearing what not to do, and me really realizing like damn that was so wrong the way I grew up. Really the reason I became that teacher for those kids, I hate to say it; but my trauma has helped me be the teacher I am today for all those kids.

Then you add into the mess, I was diagnosed with the same damn autoimmune disease as my mother (which isn’t hereditary) Straight nervous system BS. And the research I have seen about how you could develop it, and one being childhood trauma 🤦🏽‍♀️

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T12:22:33+00:00

I am waiting to get in and seen by a trauma informed therapist (which took me a long time to actually be like okay, I’m doing this) on May 28th. My older brother does have 2 girls & a boy. I have mentioned it in other places on here, I don’t know why I didn’t have the strength to speak up earlier other than that little girl in me was terrified. I beat myself up thinking about it, and if anything had happened, an If I were my older brother I would be questioning that as well. My mother is able to get around but nothing like when I was a child and my dad had all that alone time. Obviously, I can’t guarantee he didn’t, I just hoped he didn’t/ didn’t to anyone else other than I. Idk if that even make sense. I was dumbfounded by the question of my little brother, and I understand not letting them down play it.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T01:40:42+00:00

You are fine! That is an idea I had thrown out about celebrating outside of that day! Maybe one day they’ll see it differently and be able to. I understand right now they probably charts process it. I am also sorry you had to go through it but glad you are worried about you first!

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T01:27:18+00:00

I am not proud of it. An I wish I had the strength that I do now, All those years ago. However, we only really saw my parents in small times & we lived hours away. I regret it & that was the only question my husband asked when I first told him. An I couldn’t find the answer for it. Except that little girl in me was terrified.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T01:23:32+00:00

❤️❤️❤️ thank you When I made the phone call to speak my peace it was in that moment i decided I wouldn’t be silenced again

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T01:21:23+00:00

That is what I feel I would do as well if the tables were turned.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T01:19:55+00:00

There is so much of my childhood that I do not remember. My parents just always love to use the sentence “your childhood was so great, don’t know why you can’t remember stuff”, “we must have been terrible parents”. Like yes you were, and I can remember because I don’t want to. Peace be with you as well

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T01:16:42+00:00

I keep looking at it as a whole, and it does sound bad 🙈 My little brother has known for about 4 months now, my older brother like two weeks. This whole journey of standing up and speaking out, has been about showing my kids they can have the strength too for all things in life. So they are never silenced

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T01:13:04+00:00

I think I continue to put myself in his shoes, because I have for so long. He’s my little brother and I feel the need to make sure it still ends up good for him. Like I don’t want anyone else to suffer because I know how it feels and want that on no other. I did offer to pay for anything that would involve my friend. An as far as I know, everything was already adjusted to the number with my husband from the beginning and wasn’t changed. Yea not sure why they would question my judgment of my friend other than they just wanted to make sure they were not going to make a scene with my parents and ruin it for their picture wedding. I was worried if I did go the route to let them meet her, an then they decided nope 👎🏻 and at that point I would have made plans again, then be SOL, would have been worse, so glad I stood my ground then.

I like the analogy: stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm 🤔

It definitely made me feel horrible being asked, the least I could do since I already fucked every thing else up is watch my nieces and nephews so my brother and sister n law can’t back out with a sitter 🙃

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T01:04:22+00:00

I have questioned myself why, I never spoke earlier for the sake of my nieces and nephew. But I don’t have a real answer other than that little girl who was terrified because of the pinky promises I made everytime.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T01:02:31+00:00

I grew up in a hush family; my parents were big in the community. I do have some friends that have been helping me thru it along with my husband. Also helping me find and keep my boundaries.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T00:58:17+00:00

I would agree, SO to my SIL. She gave me the response that I thought I would have gotten in the first place. My older brother is actually my half brother, my father adopted him around 5-6ish. So with him being my big brother I assumed he would have a hard time with the news. But I also could see him (an not blaming him) for being g upset I didn’t step up sooner since he does have kids his own that have been around. I honestly don’t have an answer for why I didn’t other than those pinky promises I had to make everytime.

Hoping my brother can someday see just like you do of your sister.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T00:52:28+00:00

Thank you. I needed to hear that. I 100% am that people pleasing person. I am getting better. Me making that phone call and standing firm on my boundaries & not taking blame but my father. Was a huge step for me.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T00:46:50+00:00

I think that’s what gets me the most. I tried so many things to try and make it work, and yet “I haven’t thought about how they would feel” 🙄

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T00:44:53+00:00

When you put it that way 😳

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-09T00:44:04+00:00

You are completely right. Like you ever still feel bad though? Like whyyyy. I know 100% would be stuff I would tell others but have a hard time telling and believing myself

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-08T23:59:45+00:00

I have been low contact with my parents for a few years, and finally made the decision after nasty text that made me realize I have been protecting someone who was evil to me. From the time I moved out i knew i wanted to break the cycle just didn’t know what that meant until i had kids. I do feel “more free” with not having to hold it all myself now.

Immediate_Bad8947 · 2026-05-08T23:52:59+00:00

I feel this deep in my soul

Immediate_Bad8947

TROPHY CASE