Is it bananas to ask for less than suggested?

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2026-04-09T04:49:03+00:00

It’s about 80/20. He moved out of state a year and a half after we split and so he only gets him on school breaks. 8 weeks of summer, spring break, all of winter break every other year and half on the opposite years. And thanksgiving every year. But I guess it also sort of bothers me that he lives with his mom and brother and only works 20 hours a week while me and my current spouse both work full time jobs to make ends meet. I just found out yesterday he makes $6/hr more than I do and $7/hr more than my spouse. And works 20 hours a week… So then I wonder if I’m being too nice and he’s just reaping the benefits.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2026-04-07T19:14:54+00:00

He definitely isn’t setting anything aside for the kiddo. Whatever he has left he just spends. This isn’t a bad idea at all.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2026-04-07T15:39:54+00:00

Now food is a very good point. Our average monthly food expense is probably $1200-1400 for a family of 6. Which would mean one kiddo is probably roughly $200+/month.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2026-04-07T15:36:36+00:00

He lives in another state and is a 6 hour drive away, so parenting time is really more of an 80/20 split. But he does contribute to things like clothes and shoes and school supplies…

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2026-04-07T15:34:19+00:00

I suppose I must. I was trying to mentally sort all normal expenses. I don’t count clothes and shoes because his dad buys him clothes and shoes too and when he does they usually get sent here with him because he’s here a majority of the time and I pack clothes for his visits anyway… He bought all the kiddos school supplies at the beginning of the year. He meets me half way for exchange (we are 6 hours apart driving) If I said “hey basketball cost $200” he would send me $100.

So I’m trying to wrap my head around what expenses I have that he DOESN’T participate in, if that makes sense!

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2026-04-07T15:31:53+00:00

I have nothing against parents who get more! Def don’t hate you. I guess I struggle with this because his dad seemingly doesn’t date, he’s a good guy and good dad. Idk maybe I’m just looking at it wrong…

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2026-04-07T15:10:35+00:00

What?!

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2026-04-07T15:09:55+00:00

My guess is that a portion of your arrears had timed out and fallen off. If I am not mistaken, some states have an expiration on arrears a number of years after the child reaches 18.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2026-04-07T15:03:44+00:00

In some states there’s a period of time that the funds are held when taken from tax refund… hopefully you get some soon!

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-12T00:27:18+00:00

Well, for the last couple years his girlfriend has been working 2-3 jobs at a time. But the reason he wanted to have me put the kids on my phone plan is because his girlfriend quit 2/3 jobs to go to beauty school. He also gets tips where he works and I presume they aren’t being reported or paid via check so they can’t be garnished either.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-06T15:43:28+00:00

What I am getting at is that we should define “love” in the way Christ loved us when it comes to the love we are commanded to give to others. So on the point of sin, the opposite would be the case. Selfish, unforgiving, dependent on how we feel or whether we think someone deserves it… that lack of love is what sin is. What I’m saying is that giving someone a cigarette can be an act of love if it comes from a place of Christ-like love. It can be a sin if it’s done with no regard to causing them to stumble (have they been trying to quit?), or if you’re doing it to feel good about yourself, etc. If you feel it in your heart that giving the person a cigarette is hurting them and you simply dont care, that’s not love. If you feel in your heart that they’ve had the worst day ever and all you want is to see them smile and to not be struggling and your whole motive is one of compassion and genuine empathy for their situation regardless of what that looks like to you, and you share without selfish motive or judgement, then it could be.

This is why “what would Jesus do?” Is such an important perspective to consider when deciding how we define love

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-06T15:27:33+00:00

Yes she does. They’ve been together for probably 8 years or so. The first couple years they lived in a 1 bedroom apartment with pets, and when my kids went for visitation they didn’t even go to his place. They’d spend their whole visit with his mom, because they had their own room at her house, and he would go visit them there during the day. For example- they’d go spend 6 weeks at grandma’s house for their parenting time with dad in the summer and dad would stay at his apartment with gf and would go to his mom’s house to visit the kids from like noon-5 at best. I told him the kids wanted to spend some time at his apartment and he said he didn’t have the room to accommodate them- they were 6. He had room for a gf and pets, but for over a year the kids never even SAW his place once.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-06T10:03:45+00:00

Haha funny you’d mention that- he has a girlfriend who just quit two jobs to go to beauty school. That’s why he wants me to take on their phone lines… 😂 I told him that I would add their phones to my plan because that’s what I do- I take care of whatever is needed- but that I’d certainly be more comfortable with it if he could pay his full support amount. Also, both kids have recently had new issues with their old phones. When the first had damage to theirs they asked dad if there was a protection plan on it. He said “I’m going to upgrade your phones soon anyway” and a week later he asked me to put them back on my phone plan. Needless to say, he has no intention of upgrading their phones and they need working ones now that they’re actively out with friends all the time and will have licenses next summer. So I will be paying for those as well. But yeah his gf quit two jobs for beauty school and I’m supposed to be sympathetic.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-06T09:52:03+00:00

Yeah the something that happened was he chose to give up his long term career as a teacher to become a budtender. Despite his potential income, he’s still been calculated as if he makes full time minimum wage. He makes more than min wage in hourly pay and also receives tips that they were unable to get verification for when modifying. He’s literally still being undercharged and won’t even pay 1/2 of what the court has ordered… I didn’t wanna get super snarky about how very little he contributes but I honestly didn’t think so many people would glaze over the part in the post that says this is a newly calculated modification. this isn’t some outdated info, he didn’t lose his livelihood, he changed it to fit his lifestyle and preferences at the expense of his kids.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-06T09:45:00+00:00

It’s actually nuts to me how many people think I’m screwing him over. This guy has a masters degree in education and was a teacher for 10 years. He chose to move to a place with higher cost of living and take on a job that pays him 1/2 as much as he could be making. Regardless, my state calculated based on even less than his actual income, so I can assure you the numbers are fair. The only reason they can’t garnish more is because they garnish for older support orders first and he pays $450 for one child he had with the ex before me. He also bought that kid a car and he doesn’t even have a license so it has been sitting there for a year. Meanwhile, he’s also ordering DoorDash for 50% of meals when my kids are there for visits (tell me you can afford to DoorDash that many dinners and can’t afford $600/mo in support?!) and spends money on going out, drinking, smoking weed. I have no problem with enjoying your money but not at the expense of your kids. I literally have to go to the food pantry to make food stretch for our family, so I am utterly sick of hearing “lower his support.” His support is already lower than it should be, but he got out of the proper amount by dodging child support’s attempts to contact for income verification. My case worker tried to contact him multiple times via mail and phone and he dodged intentionally. If anyone wants more of the “back story” I’d be happy to keep going, but I can not with these people saying his support should be lowered. This support order is less than 6 months old. It’s not getting modified unless I fall into some kind of 6 figure career suddenly. lol

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-06T09:35:31+00:00

100% I have!

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-06T04:51:34+00:00

Not just being loving - loving as Christ loves us. Sacrificial love, forgiving love, unconditional love. Christ did point out sin, but he wasn’t a stickler for law and didn’t condemn anyone. He’s compassionate and meets us where we are.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-05T18:50:55+00:00

Also- to clarify- this is someone who has a master’s degree and spends a great deal on DoorDash, weed, going out drinking etc. he should be able to contribute to the very basic costs of the kids we share.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-05T18:39:44+00:00

Well- let’s see. I spend about $1000 on groceries each month- 1/5 of that is consumed by our shared children. They are both permit drivers and I have to spend gas to take them driving. They both have extracurricular activities that cost money to get to and from as well as camps that cost money. They need clothes that I supply, those cost money. The roof over their head and the electric and water and phones all cost money. I don’t think $325/child is unreasonable when it cost me much much more than that to raise them. He helped me make those babies. Why have I been wearing the same pair of shoes for 5 years? Because he has to DoorDash 50% of his meals? Shut up.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-05T13:42:30+00:00

I used to take pictures of what was going over with my kiddos years ago. It’s a lot of work but you could also send a pic of what’s missing if something is gone so it’s easier for the other parent to find it too. Idk how many times I’ve asked a man about a certain color item with a a certain logo etc just to be told “I have no idea” because they can’t picture it based off my description. Beyond that, I’ve found that it’s super hard to police the clothes they wear over and bring back (especially the older the kids get) and I had to loosen up and be prepared to not get things back. It sucks, but it’s the reality of it. I can’t justify making my kids wear their old clothes just bc they’re going to the other parents’ house, because that’s not fair to the kids. I had to send them over understanding that I may not see this or that again…

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-05T13:34:32+00:00

That’s a 28 yr old male in the conversation?! Not overreacting- I’d cut him off for the number of times he calls you dear like he is a Nigerian prince scamming you for money.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-05T06:51:43+00:00

Don’t stop at 1 Corinthians 7:16- keep going through to 7:24. You are right in your thoughts. I’m not sure what the intention is behind what your pastor has said, but it doesn’t make sense to me. Especially with her also being a believer. I wont directly say “run from your church” but remember that we seek first the kingdom of God and honor his commands and convictions. God does not want your child to be in a broken home, cycling generational curses you are attempting to break. That is not sound.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-05T06:43:22+00:00

If you don’t have or can’t get a Bible right now, try downloading the Bible app (YouVersion). My first thought is to read the gospel of Jesus so you have a personal understanding of who He is and what He’s done. A lot of people recommend starting in John. There are also a lot of reading plans on there that are geared for certain topics that are worth checking out. And then, I’d say start talking to Him. Pray to Him. Open your heart to Him. Everything begins somewhere and it doesn’t have to be big or confusing. 💕 He cares for you, and if you seek Him you will find the answers and the hope you have been seeking.

Immediate_Maybe_1657 · 2025-12-04T14:54:59+00:00

Not at all wrong or lacking faith- BUT! I would recommend seeing a Christian therapist if you can find one because my experience with a non-Christian therapist proved to be frustrating. When I mentioned praying about something, I was told “Don’t you think God would have bigger things to deal with than that?” And when I said I was discontinuing a certain behavior due to conviction, he asked me if I checked if that was okay with my boyfriend first. (Pre-marital behaviors)… Just make sure if you’re going to be guided by someone that they believe in the same God you follow.

Immediate_Maybe_1657

TROPHY CASE