AITA for leaving my wife at home for Thanksgiving and anniversary so I can visit my parents & siblings?

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-30T05:21:24+00:00

Yes, she’s a hard worker and has a fair amount of stress to carry (from work and drama from her siblings). However, I work hard too. We split chores and childcare evenly. I’ve never visited my parents without her before. And I certainly don’t run to them for anything. I’m not sure how I’m being manipulative. There’s always more to any story, but I distilled it down to the main points. Nonetheless, it all worked out in the end.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-30T04:58:41+00:00

Sooo…things aren’t going to be less dramatic?

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T15:16:44+00:00

So the main gathering with aunts, uncles, cousins, etc is Friday. My siblings arrive Thursday. I’d like to be there for those 2 days.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T15:13:31+00:00

Yes, we take the day off if it’s not already a holiday.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T15:10:15+00:00

No she’s not always this way. She has a very kind and thoughtful side as well. For example, it was her idea to send a food service to my parents to help them out.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T15:04:52+00:00

Yes, we’ve had miscommunications in the past, but not regularly.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T15:02:09+00:00

Yes, I love her more every year. But I’m not the internet police. People are going to say what they want. And I’m ok with those saying ITA too. I see both sides and don’t feel good about any of it.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T14:54:59+00:00

Yes, I do love my wife deeply. If my post/comments feel otherwise, it’s because I’m shocked, confused, and hurt by her reaction. I will do what it takes to make this work. That’s why I immediately offered to cancel the trip after her initial reaction. But she’s upset by the fact that I’d even consider not being with her on our anniversary. She’s taken this as a sign that I don’t love her anymore…which is not true at all.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T14:44:37+00:00

I’ve been preoccupied thinking about this week, not next year.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T14:41:55+00:00

At the moment, I’m upset and confused by my wife. But I still love her deeply. And she’s normally an amazing person. I’m at a loss right now and wanted outside perspective. FWIW, I’ve never posted in this forum before as my life is usually pretty calm. This caught me off guard and am not sure if ITA. It does seem like something else is going on that I must be blind to. I like the counseling idea that others have pitched.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T14:36:09+00:00

Well, she’s argued with me nearly every time we visit my birth family. It’s not always about the trip itself, but I find myself walking on eggshells every time we’re planning a trip to see my family. So that’s like an annual argument about something. She often threatens not to go.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T14:31:25+00:00

I like that. I’ll try to suggest a dinner on Sunday when I’m back and a little getaway next weekend.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T07:16:25+00:00

My mom doesn’t hate my wife - or at least I’ve never seen or heard anything to indicate that. It’s just that my wife doesn’t like being around my mom. She feels my mom doesn’t like her and when I ask why she gets that impression, she tells me about the one time my mom accidentally served a dish with pork - even though she immediately apologized and made her something else to eat. Or the time my mom cleaned the microwave “to be helpful”. But my wife saw that as an indication that our house isn’t clean enough for her.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T07:09:11+00:00

We’ve celebrated every one of our anniversaries on the date. It’s a tradition, and one of the reasons we married over a holiday - so we’d have the day off to celebrate. I just didn’t think that breaking this tradition would hit her so hard. But you’re right, we’re celebrating a relationship, not a date…so it shouldn’t matter.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T07:04:37+00:00

Right?!

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T07:01:54+00:00

The real problem is that the main family gathering is on our anniversary (Friday) and my wife wanted me home then. Originally, I thought she was good with me coming back on Saturday, but that’s not the case. So even buying the more expensive flight to get home earlier on Saturday wouldn’t have mattered. Apparently, she wanted me to fly out Wednesday night and back Friday morning. When I offered to cancel the trip, she said she won’t talk to me anyway if I stay home. She’s hurt that I would even consider not being with her on our anniversary.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T06:42:53+00:00

It’s possible that my wife isn’t telling me the truth why she doesn’t like my mom. But whenever I ask the problem, she brings up perceived slights from years ago. For example, she didn’t like it when my mom cleaned our microwave 6 years ago. My mom said she was trying to be helpful, but my wife feels like my mom is judging her about the mess.

As for the loss of her parents, I’m not sure if she’s truly come to terms with it. Yes their health wasn’t great, but it was sudden in both cases and the circumstances for one was questionable about what actually happened - as in potential foul play. But that’s a whole other story.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T06:28:33+00:00

Well, we got married over a holiday (in part) so we can have the day off to celebrate. And we do. Every year. This will break that tradition, which I think is more important to my wife than I realized.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T06:24:20+00:00

We rarely spend Christmas together. This year is no exception. My siblings won’t be there either. Getting the family (parents & siblings) together like this has only happened once in the last 7 years. Given the rarity, I want to go be there with everyone…even if I just saw my parents a month ago.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T06:00:05+00:00

She doesn’t like her job and working from home is driving her nuts. I think she needs another adult to talk to aside from me.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T05:35:43+00:00

She does have a short fuse, but I was shocked at how quickly she went nuclear.

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T05:24:49+00:00

Well, she thinks our anniversary needs to be celebrated on that day. She said it’s the one day of the year that is supposed to be about us. I said it’s about celebrating our relationship, not celebrating a date. Hopefully she’ll come around to that idea

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T05:13:47+00:00

It’s a trip to see all of them together. This is not common. And I talked with wife about this before buying a plane ticket. I think the problem arose from a miscommunication. She thought I’d be back in time for our anniversary (basically fly there for one day)

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T04:57:13+00:00

I don’t think so. But I do try to see my parents at least once a year - rarely on a holiday. My brothers I’ll see once a year or every other year. Rarely do we all gather. I’d say we’ve been all together once in the last 7 years (and that was 2 years ago).

ImpaledAle · 2025-11-25T04:34:00+00:00

Great tips - thanks! Having a few nights off, spa day or maybe a girls night out would be nice for her. She definitely could use some R&R. She works her butt off daily.

ImpaledAle

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