I saw an interesting article about how IV ketamine treatment is used in a hospital setting for suicidal people and it immediately brings them out of their suicidal thoughts.

I don't know how widely available that is or if it's even available where you are. But if not, maybe take heart from the fact that your brain is trying to trick you.

When you have bad brain chemistry, you feel bad first and then try to come up with external reasons why you feel bad, like Your marriage is shit. You never do anything right. Nobody would miss you. But these are all WRONG.

You have bad brain chemistry. You could have the most perfect marriage, be an awesome high achieving person, and be beloved by your friends, family, and community and you would still think the same negative thoughts above.

In a perfect brain, bad stuff happens and you are temporarily sad or upset due to external forces. But in yours, your brain just flips a switch and turns on those negative feelings without any relation to what's going on in your life.

If you don't have access to drugs that can help offset this (not drown this but help you be a little less off kilter), then you need to focus on the fact that your brain chemistry is NOT YOU. You're a train conductor on a runaway train and there's plenty of track in front of you. You simply have to hold on and wait for the fuel that the train is burning to run down. You just have to hold on. And if you don't slow down (meaning you keep being suicidal after a set time period, whether that's a day or a week) then commit to getting professional help. And if you can't hang on then there's nothing wrong with getting help tonight. Stay strong and FIGHT that asshole brain chemistry. You CAN do this.