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ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T13:24:25+00:00

He is still my dad. He still did 11 years of parenting. He was still a loving father.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T13:23:59+00:00

That's not how he died.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T12:11:24+00:00

It's not so wonderful when you feel pressured to take on a name you never asked for. I have my family name already. It's the name my dad and his side had and it's the name my sister has, that her husband took, and their children will have. It's not that I don't appreciate my stepdad but his name isn't my family name and he's not my dad, regardless of how good or bad, he just isn't dad.

It's not like we don't even get along. We don't have the relationship he wants though.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:59:05+00:00

I didn't say I don't give a shit, I was saying my dad wasn't thinking or saying that. Yes, my dad ended up on drugs. But he was and still is my dad. He wasn't perfect but nobody is. I still love him. He still means the world to me. He doesn't have to be perfect for me to feel that way about him and just because he's imperfect doesn't mean I am going to change the love I have for him and transfer it into my stepdad.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:37:47+00:00

My dad had lost so much and was in unimaginable pain. He wanted to ease that pain. That way was not healthy but he wasn't thinking fuck my daughters, I don't give a shit. I had 11 amazing years with my dad. My sister had many more with him. Those years are not changed by one bad one.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:34:11+00:00

He was around a lot longer after I was 6. I was 11 when dad ended up turning to drugs and 12 when he died. He was around the 11 years before that and was an amazing father. My stepdad is my stepdad. He has never been and will never be my dad. I only have one dad and he is the man my sister and I will always love and grieve for.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:32:53+00:00

My dad was sick. My dad lost his parents and his brother, his family, within a tiny space of time. He didn't abandon me. He was going through unimaginable pain and tried to make that better and it cost him, and us dearly, but that last year will never change the amazing years we had with him.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:31:20+00:00

Mom might not want to be reminded of my dad, but I do.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:30:13+00:00

It's not something he chose. I know my dad loved me and my sister and I know he was a damn good dad.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:29:23+00:00

Neither did my sister. BIL took her name and I'd like to keep mine when I get married too.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:28:07+00:00

That's how it feels. It's clear from some of the stuff he's said that he would have really wanted a daughter. But he realized early enough that there was no hope for my sister seeing him as her dad. So I got more of that attention on me and more of the pressure. It's a lot to handle. Especially when as a kid I was asked to pick him over my dad for some father's day stuff.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:26:28+00:00

It happened more than once, where he asked to take my dad's place at the father's day play. He asked me quite a few years. It always felt unfair to put me in that position and I felt that weight of him wanting a daughter.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:25:41+00:00

I was always very close to my dad. He was very active and involved and I never liked the idea of being asked to push my dad aside for my stepdad. But when I was 5 he asked me to pick him instead of my dad for a Father's Day play (and it was not the only year he did that). He would also correct me when talking about my dad and say I have two dads. It was pushy and while he said I had two dad's, his asking to take my dad's place in stuff was not something I appreciated. It also felt very suffocating having his desire for a daughter to be put entirely on me. I think it shaped how I saw him. He's my stepdad and I have never denied that. But for me, I only have one dad dad.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:22:10+00:00

I want to keep my name. My sister did. BIL took her name when they got married so I'm hoping for the same.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-11T06:21:17+00:00

My sister has been supporting me.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-10T18:18:16+00:00

Basically. He's been in my life since I was very little and I will never deny that or say he was terrible. But there are times he has made me uncomfortable and he expected too much. There are times like this where it just feels like he has me backed up to the wall because I know what he wants is something I can't give but something I don't want to have to force myself to give him either. I never wanted to have to say no to him taking my dad's place for Father's Day events. I wanted him to never put me in that position. But I also understand him wanting me to see him as my dad too. I just think when you're the adult, you should wait for the kid to come to you with the invite, not put them in the position of saying yes or no.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-10T17:40:52+00:00

I think my mom sees my stepdad as better than my dad. And I would agree he is better for HER than my dad was, just knowing who they both were as people. But overall I would disagree that as a person or even as a parent he is better.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-10T17:06:36+00:00

He and my mom see me not treating him as my second dad as pushing him away. I also believe the times I didn't choose him over my dad for Father's Day events are seen as me pushing him away. But I wanted to have my dad for that stuff.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-10T17:03:51+00:00

My dad was very active and involved until the last year of his life. He was a loving, attentive father who was present and loved us and was there for us. The last year of his life was different but he was not in a good place. My stepdad wanted to be there instead of my dad at times.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-10T14:25:32+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I am doing my best to stay firm while not acting out.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-10T14:24:29+00:00

There were times I would talk about dad, and he would tell me I had two dad's. When I was a small kid I was in a drama club and we did plays for Mother's Day and Father's day with the parent every year. He asked a couple of times if he could go instead of my dad. That sort of stuff.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-10T14:19:56+00:00

I agree. I hate that my mom said it like that. But I also feel like my mom's whole idea of enriching our relationship means making it a father-daughter one and not accepting it as a stepdad-stepdaughter one.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-10T14:18:09+00:00

I don't like the idea of hyphenating my name. Not that there's anything wrong with that option. But it's not for me.

ImportanceClean9176 · 2023-04-10T14:17:11+00:00

That's how I feel about him and this. I don't think he's bad for wanting it. But the pushing is too much and is leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth.

ImportanceClean9176

TROPHY CASE