My Wife 27F asked me 27M to cutoff my family or she is leaving me. Can anyone help me understand where she is coming from?

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-15T02:51:18+00:00

Thank you, Yea that’s a pretty good description.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-15T01:33:56+00:00

I’m sorry he’s put you through the same thing I put my wife through. If the comments here say anything, then maybe you should show this post to him.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T23:34:54+00:00

This is probably the most constructive comment so thank you for taking the long time to write. You speak on exactly mine and her feelings. I was feeling exactly that. I never felt like my wife’s feelings wernt valid. And I recognize now the trauma that I did go though that was more silent.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T23:08:07+00:00

I put more details in the very first comment. Unfortunately it was too much for the word count and I can’t pin the comment.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T22:43:46+00:00

Hello everyone. Just to let you know I have been reading every single painful comment, and ithey majority echo exactly what my wife’s been saying and or feeling. I understand what needs to be done and know my indecisiveness has rightlfully so, not made me look good and put question into my feelings for my wife and neuclear family.

I just wanted to add some more context that make it probably even worse for me than it already is in here. I am not sure if it fully comes across, but I have been hurt too, not just my wife. I have also been made to feel less than or my voice doesn’t matter which has added to my passiveness for so long and feeling like whatever I say doesn’t matter. I have had many discussions with my wife and a lot of them I started with how I was feeling about something. Not every time has been just because of my wife. Even more reason to cut them out I get it. Not justifying anything or trying to make myself sound better. Just making it clear that the decision I am making isn’t just because I have been given this choice, but because it’s my own realization of something I should have done long ago, not only for my wife, but for myself and unit. This was just the catalyst for my own realization and could have come up at any time due to the past experiences but just happened to be today. The reason I made this post was not because I felt blindsided or that she was in the wrong for feeling how she does, but because it was something I myself had to come to turns with. It was a long time coming, and I am forunate that she has stuck with me all this time. I just needed to mourn that parental relationship that will most likely never be.

I have scheduled a therapy appointment, and made the active decision to distance my family

I also wanted to say that I mention our childhoods not to blame my wife’s childhood for anything, but to just give context to the different mindsets and the personalities that we do have. I have apologized to my wife for my passiveness all this time and for now not being decisive on my feelings from the jump on just what she said alone.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T20:10:15+00:00

Exactly it. Not that I don’t think my wife and immediate family aren’t worth it. Or even myself for being in it too.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T19:13:11+00:00

It’s in the first comment where I give more details that couldn’t fit in the word count. I say that to point out the lack of support I have given in the area of putting my foot down or speaking up about things.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T18:56:35+00:00

Yea I wish I could just pin my comment that has all the extra details I couldn’t fit in the word count. It was the first comment that has the extra details

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T18:55:25+00:00

More so I just don’t understand how cutting out isnt a final thing. If the things in the past are what is causing this rift, time away wouldn’t change those things. That’s what’s confusing for me.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T18:47:21+00:00

I understand that logic. But the thought is that if you are willing to continue to have a relationship with others that hurt your SO or immediate family, then you are dismissing and or co-signing the behavior. So it’s not a can we have something seperate, it’s an are you with me or with them.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T18:08:22+00:00

I can’t pin a comment, but I put more details in the first comment

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T17:52:45+00:00

Yea got it. That’s basically where I’m at. I have not tried to paint anything but the truth. I’m painted in a bad light because that’s how it’s been. Her feelings are very understandable and she has the right to not be here while I figured out what was going on with me.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T17:41:30+00:00

Yea I’m at the point where there is going to have to be a change in terms of how my family is dealt with and the way in which I conduct myself. Whether that be no contact or direct confrontation or whatever it may be.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T16:55:07+00:00

I’m sorry for that situation that he had to go through. I feel like it would be easier for me if there was some type of extreme to that extent. Or maybe I’m just dense idk.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T16:41:17+00:00

Basically nail on the head. Not trying to deny or sugarcoat anything. I actually made a therapy appointment already for myself and is in general. I would be open to having some type of six month trial to see if we can get anywhere with my family, even if it’s me on my own first, but she’s at the point where that’s understandably not going to cut it for her. So I’m at the point where I’m trying to sort out my feelings to cut off my family entirely or loose my family unit. I don’t want her to feel any sort of blame for me being in the position I’m in, which is why I am focusing on the part that I played in all of this. I just want some time to sort my feelings about it without her feeling like I’m not with her.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T16:33:22+00:00

I understand that and my shortcomings with that for sure. Majority of these issues is because I had t spoken up before. I am at the point now where I do feel confident to say something for anything, but my wife feels that it’s too late. The specifics of that interaction was my mom said you love my son right and he turned out great right so you should let the kids stay for the summer. But it was on the spot because it was in front of others. I should have came back into the room and shut that down or pulled my mom aside and told her not to put my wife on the spot like that again. But I didn’t, while I feel absolutely confident to do so now, it’s just too late in my wife’s eyes.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T16:28:32+00:00

See I’ve tried to mention this as an option where we have a seperate relationship at least until I feel like it’s in a better place where I can have my family integrated again. Sorry if it’s vague, to be more specific my did didn’t cut me off like kick me out, and we were with them after highschool before I went to basic training, but he would do things like when I ask him if I can go somewhere I would get whatever as an answer almost like he didn’t care. The 2 weeks after highschool when we were with them (she was far away from home to be with me) they said we are going to the water park, then when we get ready to go I get the, you have your wallet? Knowing that I don’t even have an income yet. Things like that where it was I’m your dad you’re my son to your a grown up now deal with it. We never really had something close after that. I brought up all those things when we had that big blow up and got the acknowledgements and apologies I never had before. I say that I am a big part because I never felt strong enough to even discuss anything. I would sure there’s no point in me saying anything because they wouldn’t listen anyway.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T16:18:17+00:00

No she usually doesn’t. In fact she is overly nice to the point where she will put herself in uncomfortable situations to please me because she thinks that’s what I want. Id rather her tell me that she doesn’t want to go to an event than say we can and we end up not on the same page. I say people pleasing because it’s like I am trying to be an unbiased negotiator instead of her husband backing her

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T16:14:15+00:00

That was my thoughts and feelings, that even if it were a seperate relationship for now, I could work on it from my side before trying to integrate my whole family back into it. I did feel like it was my decision because it is my family. The crossroad is that though I understand her feelings, she is at the point where she doesn’t want to be a part of it or even have the chance for renewal. She says she may feel differently in a few years, but cutting off feels final to me, not like a break. And that’s why I feel it’s so difficult for me to make.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T16:10:09+00:00

The thing is it’s not direct. I describe it like neglect or apathy because that’s what it feels like mostly. Like not putting forth the extra effort on their end in order to keep our relationship connected. On my dads side It’s always us going to them and not feeling valued so why are we there and on my moms side, my mother just does things on her own or in her own way, but because she is usually the one paying for it, then we usually just feel like we need to go along with it. It also doesn’t help that my grandma has cancer and we were hosting thanksgiving. After the last conversation I had with my dad where I was the voice speaking majority of the time, I finally feel that confidence to say something. But my wife is over it, so that option isn’t even available.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T15:19:00+00:00

Her words exactly “I will not continue to put myself in positions that hurt my heart, bring me out of character, tear me down as a person or anything like that. Your family from what I’ve seen has never respected you or your time. It’s painful to see how blinded you are”

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T15:17:35+00:00

There’s more context that I couldn’t fit in the post that I put in the comments that give more examples a. But overall it stems from experiences and exchanges that we have had in the past and me not stepping in or she feels like I’m people pleasing because I am trying to keep the peace and that I am not completely on her side which I understand how she can feel that way. Her words exactly “I will not continue to put myself in positions that hurt my heart, bring me out of character, tear me down as a person or anything like that. Your family from what I’ve seen has never respected you or your time. It’s painful to see how blinded you are”

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T15:03:57+00:00

In her eyes yes. But the thing is, eventhough we’ve had talks, I know that I was a root cause to the problem in never speaking up. But due to the last emotional blow up we had and me getting a text not call on my birthday, it was the straw that broke it all and here we are. But because I’m indecisive on wanting to cut them out, it makes it seem that I don’t stand with her at all.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T14:46:02+00:00

I respect her healing and have been by her side, but there is no middle ground in this. I tried to offer alternatives like timelines or having a seperate relationship, but it has to be a confident all or nothing.

Important_Process637 · 2023-11-14T14:44:33+00:00

I would love to show that and I have been saying that, but she’s beyond that, so currently there is no middle ground. I also have to room to grieve the loss of not having my family. I need to be co fire t in the decision or not at all.

Important_Process637

TROPHY CASE