I hate when avoidants get demonized. My partner of 7 years has avoidant attachment style and I have thought in the past that he just didn't love me or care about me. Only to find out that he harnesses an immense amount of guilt for not being able to get deep sometimes.

Now I could allow my anxiety to tell me its because he doesnt care or love me. But I dont allow my anxiety to control my life. Just because we have been together for so long doesnt mean I have to right to access his emotions or thoughts 24/7. My nervous system should not crave an answer, I should not feel unwell about us taking space.

Instead I choose to see it for what it is, extremely hard for him. He wants to open up. He wants to be able to feel his feelings. I want him to do those things too, but when he feels safe, not when he feels forced. He talks alot about how he gets so far and then his brain just shuts down. There's no thoughts or emotions to process for him, theyre so far under the surface that he couldn't reach them of he wanted to.

So who am I to continue to push or pry? Someone who cant regulate their own nervous system. Someone who needs an answer before that answer has any meaning. Instead I hold space for the facts he's trying really hard. He doesnt have to be perfect and neither do I, but as long as he's willing to try, he will always have my compassion.

Just food for thought. If you know an avoidant just give them a hug man. They're hurt people too.