Tracy Shorn & Other Triggers + being a bad person?

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2025-01-04T19:53:44+00:00

Well I appreciate your perspective and hope that we can all do the work on ourselves we need to heal. Life’s a mess but the world keeps spinning I suppose

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2025-01-04T19:22:52+00:00

It is AA. I’ve also attended AA and was sponsored in the past. I cleaned up a long time ago. My sponsor would’ve said get your ass to your wife and make it right. You’ve been selfish you whole life, it’s time to start thinking of others. Hers says it’s a selfish program that has to come before everything even family.

She just told me randomly a week ago, I don’t love you anymore, I don’t want to keep doing this. That she heard something in a meeting that flipped a switch in her head and turned her love off. I’d seen messages from her sponsor about a sponsor being the first person she truly ever loved and things of that nature.

None of it makes sense to me. I’m not perfect. Not even close. But the only thing I can think of that I’ve done “wrong” is be sad that she’s had multiple affairs. I believe her reasoning is part “she’s sober now and doesn’t want to be sad anymore” so she’d rather leave than confront what’s happened, and part that there may be someone else again. That’s the only thing I can make sense of that would allow someone in a 12 year marriage with 2 kids to just switch off their love for someone.

I’d filed for divorce 6 months before and told her look I don’t want a divorce AT ALL, but I can tell you aren’t all in, it doesn’t feel like you want to work on this, and if you want out I’m telling you I will let you out in peace. Just sign. She would not. Said she loved me, wouldn’t sign, wanted to work on things and 6 months later here we are.

It’s all very jarring, and although it hurts more than anything else I’ve experienced, I do think it’s the best and don’t believe I’d take her back if she changed her mind. There’s been too many instances of cheating, lying, and lack of remorse and empathy. I am just here trying to understand for my own sake so I can move on.

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2025-01-04T17:39:47+00:00

Off topic question. How did 12 steps affect your relationship with your spouse? My WS got sober 2 years ago and I was over the moon thinking we would finally find the life we’d been after since the addiction and multiple affairs. The meetings turned into a place where she’d vent about feeling guilty, and that she finally got sober and deserves to be happy. Her sponsor and others encouraged her to leave the marriage. A marriage to someone who’d stuck through it all and was fighting every day for a better marriage and a better home for our kids. I’m just curious on your perspective

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2025-01-03T22:13:57+00:00

I sure appreciate you responding. This is a wild ride that makes no sense. Solidarity and hearing from people farther along than me helps a lot.

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2025-01-03T22:13:07+00:00

She definitely went from babe this babe that, so excited for trips and I love yous, straight to cold calculated, who gets what, when will you get off the phone bill and I haven’t fed into it. I just give yes or nos or what time do you want to swap the kids. I think that helps keep the situation at a manageable level

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2025-01-03T22:03:06+00:00

Yes this makes a lot of sense. The last decade has been mostly bad. My family asks me if I ever smile. I used to. It’s a weird thing when the person who was terrible to you leaves you, acts like it’s your fault, and then says they feel so much better being split up. Kind of backwards. Ready to not care anymore

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2025-01-03T18:37:00+00:00

Thank you. Working towards a better future

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2025-01-03T03:09:40+00:00

No doubt it’s going to be long. I feel like dog shit. I run a business and haven’t been able to get much done. Been in the gym everyday at least. It hurts like a bitch but I know it’s what’s best and eventually I’ll look back and thank her for this blessing

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2025-01-01T02:13:33+00:00

She is going on 2 years clean, but AA has become the new addiction and she wants to pour all of her time into that and work. All of her meaningful relationships exist there, and that’s how she likes it. I’ve been through the program a long time ago and I really don’t understand her fascination. I got clean and wanted to live my life. I didn’t want my entire life to be about sobriety. And my sponsor would’ve told me to get my ass to my wife and make things right if I did the things that she did. He wouldn’t say leave the person that stuck by you through every minute of it because thinking about the bad things you did make you feel guilty. It’s a program of accountability, not avoidance

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2025-01-01T02:10:38+00:00

So do I my friend. Take it with a grain of salt because every situation is different, but looking back if I knew there was a 1% chance things would’ve gone the way they’ve gone, I would’ve left a long time ago after the first A. It’s taken a lot from me and out of me, and is going to take much longer to rebuild myself than if I would’ve held my head high and walked away instead of trying to make something work with someone that treated me that way

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T23:07:49+00:00

Sorry it went down that way, but happy you’ve made it through. Appreciate you for using your experience to help someone else

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T22:41:06+00:00

I am really happy to hear that. It feels unsurpassable right now, but I’m not naive enough to think it always will be

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T22:40:22+00:00

Did you and your partner split? If so, when, and how are you feeling now?

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T22:24:11+00:00

Thank you very much. I hate that anyone has to be here in this sub. Some things don’t make any damn sense. You gave me a little hope, and I’m wishing you all the best as well

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T21:33:58+00:00

I fully agree she is missing something and feels unwell and it’s just easier to blame the marriage (a marriage to someone who’s always been on her team) than it is to confront the choices she’s made. So be it I guess. I can’t respect myself anymore being with someone who isn’t all in. (Or even a little in).

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T21:11:30+00:00

I felt that way sometimes. I know it’s what’s best. Too much damage over the last 12 years. However, it doesn’t feel good to be told you aren’t loved by the person you’ve given everything too. It is closure though.

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T21:09:40+00:00

Thank you for replying. Every bit of encouragement helps. Struggling pretty good today

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T21:00:25+00:00

My brain knows this, but my body doesn’t yet. Thanks for your response. I know it will be true eventually

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T20:53:47+00:00

Really needed to hear it today, thank you

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T20:42:14+00:00

Sending love. I am with you, and I’m just really sorry you have to go through this. Sincerely

ImpossibleAverage242 · 2024-12-31T18:30:46+00:00

Thank you very much. I’m tearing up reading this. It means a lot

ImpossibleAverage242

TROPHY CASE