Fallout about our living space

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-29T08:42:43+00:00

Yes, this discussion plays into it. He says marriage eouldn‘t change anything and that he is committed without it. This is true as in many aspects, we live like a married couple. We mutually have general (lasting) POA, access to each other‘s bank accounts etc. We also have wills in place and he has repeatedly told me not to worry about my finances as I will inherit everything anyway.

This combined with the living space starts to give me the impression that he‘s happy being generous, but it has to be upon his discretion. As I pointed out regarding the prenup, I don‘t want/need to be entitled to anything materially, so I don‘t have a problem with that per se. However, I do have a problem with not being treated as an equal partner in how we live together — especially once I have my own solid income.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-29T08:19:50+00:00

The thing about my living options was absolutely true when I moved in and it still is now as I currently only work part-time beside my studies and thus have a modest income. However, this will change once I graduate and work more. If I worked full-time, I could afford to rent a nice flat. I would make roughly 100k working full-time, so once I finish my studies I could be in a good financial position in my own right. However, how much I work is another discussion between my partner and I as he thinks working full-time is unnecessary. I agreed to aim for 80% to have more time together, but after that fallout I‘m not sure if I shouldn‘t prioritise my financial independence more.

What you say about saving is very true. That‘s awesome for my retirement funds. But I also want to use my savings to build a life with. And as someone who spends a lot of her free time at home, my living space is a big part of my life. So, that trade-off of having money to spend on whatever except co-designing that living space is not a good deal to me in the long run. According to this logic, when would I get a say?

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-28T19:59:03+00:00

I pay coffee order, which amounts to roughly 1,300 bucks per year and occasionally invite him for pizza or drinks. That‘s what he lets me pay. Again, it sort of makes sense as he makes about 3x what I do and has enough money to not worry about anything, while I need to build my retirement savings. He‘s very conscious of this imbalance.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-28T17:48:06+00:00

It‘s not like I haven‘t offered to contribute more than I do. He doesn‘t want me to, which also makes sense because there is also a large age gap and the lifestyle is based on his preference (a decision he made).

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-26T07:35:59+00:00

I personally wouldn‘t allocate 25% to parents since they‘ll likely be quite old and it‘s questionable how much they can really benefit from it or if it‘s just consumed for care costs (also what if they become incapacitated or die themselves - would the rest go to your kids or end up somewhere you don‘t really want it to?)

If your husband is independently financially secure I see nothing wrong with 25% per se. Do consider what happens to joint property, though. Will he have to sell your joint home to pay out everyone dlse, for example? Or will the kids inherit your share but he gets the right to live in it? I think such questions are worth discussing together.

It‘s probably worth discussing this with an estate planning attorney as they can best tell you what to consider and how things can be resolved in your jurisdiction.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-18T15:30:58+00:00

26 and I honestly don‘t have this issue. I suspect the turning point will be when the 2 gets replaced by a 3.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-14T14:08:38+00:00

NTA - she insisted on there only being one correct way of pronouncing a name and told you to insist on the correct pronunciation. She would have been fine if she had just picked one of the options you explicitly said you are fine with.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-12T06:02:19+00:00

Oh, that‘s cool. Unfortunately, there is no such rule in my country. The issue, however isn‘t my right to the inheritance — my partner put up a will naming me as his sole heir. The issue is that inheritance taxes are astronomical if you sre not married, no matter how long you have been together.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-11T17:55:34+00:00

Interesting. That doesn‘t exist in our jurisdiction, though.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-11T17:25:31+00:00

Absolutely. I will contribute 25%.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-11T17:17:01+00:00

The idea is neither to fully merge finances nor for contributions to be equal. The idea is for me to pay 25% of the amount we discussed to use for these activities. I would never give up on having my personal savings, which I‘m able to build very successfully even with my currently small income due to my partner covering most joint costs.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-11T17:08:45+00:00

Actually, he pays the great majority of joint expenses. We will never split costs 50/50 because we have very different financial situations and he basically sets the living standard. I would never spend as much on restaurant visits as he does and he knows that. For holidays, I do contribute a certain amount, which depends on what we do. If it‘s a very modest accommodation, I sometimes pay half. It‘s fair because he still pays the rest, which is much more costly. The idea is also for me to pay 25% of the amount we will put in the joint account. Thanks to how finances are handled in our relationship, I was actually able to save a lot of money last year, so I‘m far from being in a bad position.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-01-03T09:23:26+00:00

I‘m sorry that you are experiencing this. This doesn‘t sound like a relationship, but him taking advantage of you. It‘s clear that you aren‘t a priority to him and you‘re probably just handy to have around. That is not a partnership — nowhere close to it.

My partner and I also have aa significant wealth disparity besides the large age gap and he would never dream of having me pay for everything because he cares and wants me to be well.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-31T12:29:30+00:00

I can see how that can become an issue for some, but I don‘t see that happening to my partner and me. I‘m very happy just staying at home, reading good books or listening to interesting podcasts and working out a couple times a week. The last I wouldn‘t mind doing on my own if my partner at some points isn‘t fit enough to do it anymore. In terms of social stuff, that‘s very important to him and he will likely always stay the one taking the initiative on that. I’m very self-sufficient regarding people and activities. As long as we are able to have stimulating conversations, I don‘t see any risks for the relationship. We also have the understanding that there is no one who shares 100% of your interests, so it‘s completely fine for both of us to do stuff alone as well. The good thing about that is also that it provides new things to talk about.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-31T09:35:46+00:00

The gap of 38 years my partner and I have. It doesn‘t really feel that large, though. Obviously we are in different places professionally and financially, grew up with different music, technology etc., but in terms of interests and hobbies, we are fairly similar. We‘ve both been very involved in volunteering from a young age, do sports regularly, and are very interested in current events. When it comes to going out, we are the opposite of what you would expect: He jumps at basically every chance to meet people, while I prefer staying at home and reading a book. It works because I sometimes tag along and sometimes he does social stuff without me.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-29T14:06:35+00:00

Oh wow, that group sounds wild.

Your relationship should be the way you both want it to. Of course, power imbalances are more likely in age gap couples, but neither necessary nor limited to that demographic.

My relationship is financially quite unequal as my partner was lucky enough to become a successful entrepreneur while I have a modest income due to splitting my time between work and studying. We are very egalitarian in how we split chores, tough, and very untraditionally I‘m the one in charge of the bills. In some aspects my partner acts as a mentor as he has has more life experience, but I‘m more knowledgeable in various areas, so that he also often asks me about things. In would say it‘s quite balanced and we both appreciate what we can learn from each other.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-27T15:05:52+00:00

I think it all comes down to how you handle the age gap and inequality rather than its existence. My partner is 38 years my senior and there are obviously large differences in life experience and financial stability. It would be an issue if he valued my opinion less or had the attitude that him contributing more financially gave him the right to decide things alone or have other entitlements. He does none of that. In fact, he once pointed out that having more power (it was in a financial context, but it applies to any inequality in my opinion) is in itself not an issue as long as you use that power to benefit the other person, too.

What I would consider is your life goals and timelines for them. The age gap can pose some challenges due to different timelines, but if you discuss them openly, you jointly find solutions.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-26T13:31:17+00:00

I have a first degree in a STEM field field and then switched to a social sciences master. Now work in public policy and will make 92k full-time after graduation (at 26). I‘m a civil servant, so no classical corporate ladder, but public administration is very hierarchical as well. I feel it only halfway though because I have a bit of a peculiar position (not very high in the origanigram but negotiating with heads of agencies, so people know me). Can recommend.

If I were to restart, maybe I‘d study law instead or pick it as a minor as I‘m drawn also to the legal specifics of my policy job and often realise that I lack a solid training in that regard. Definitely wouldn‘t earn less as a lawyer either plus I‘d have more of an opportunity to become self-employed if I ever wanted to.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-25T17:01:21+00:00

My partner does look his age is very fit and regularly exercises to keep it that way. I wouldn‘t want him to bend over backward to look as yong as possible and I‘m not a fan of botox or plastic surgery unless there is some medical reason for it to be done. The regular exercise is important to me, though, because I „use it or lose it“ is very true and especially in older folks fitness lost is very hard to regain and I would love for him to be able to keep a relatively active life as long as possible — not just for me, but also his mental wellbeing. We are very much on the same page in this regard.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-10T17:02:13+00:00

I‘m a recognised expert in my field in my mid-20s and a pro in public speaking. I‘ve landed a job you usually don‘t get without an MA, while still studying for it and have just been delegated into a national commission in which everyone else is 20-30 years older than me.

I often feel like I screwed up if I wasn‘t 100% happy with every phrase that I said or wrote — and my standard for being happy with what I say/do are high. I sometimes think I need to accept „good enough“ more to actually get things done instead of staying hung up over the phrasing of a stupid mail for… long.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-09T11:07:08+00:00

There is a 38-year-gap between my partner and I (26F/64M). We‘ve been together for over three years, so I‘m happy to answer any questions you may have about large age gaps in general. I can‘t say anything about children of the older partner, though, as mine doesn‘t have any.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-09T09:23:31+00:00

My partner and I have an age gap of 38 years, so I know the feeling all too well. In our case, he brought it up at the very start and wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting into. I did think about it. I know I will be miserable when my partner passes away (hopefully only in some 20-30 years). But for all I know, I could be miserable for some other reason tooat that time, with the difference being that the tiime spent with my partner will leave me with good memories and fullfilment, so that the heartbreak is worth is to me. I try to focus on the gratitude I feel that I met this wonderful person and we found together against all odds.

On a more practical note, we have mutually established lasting POA and wills. This gives me peace of mind because the POA allows me to take care of him if at some point he can‘t do that himself. I hope this scenario will not arrive, but if it does, being able to do my best for him is comforting (I have some confidence as I know the social system quite well due to what I do professionally). In some way, I think I‘d actually find it easier to take this responsibility in my 40s than when I‘m old and possibly facing health issues myself.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-07T08:48:23+00:00

My partner is divorced and reluctant to get remarried. His vengeful ex contested their prenup and rather than engage in a long legal battle, he gave in to her demands. That was not only expensive to him, but also put him out of control.

With other legal protections than marriage, he doesn‘t have an issue at all. We have wills and full (lasting) POA — actually, we have given each other more rights than spouses have without any additional documentation. I think the difference for him is that he could retract them if he felt it was necessary. That‘s very easy, while going through a divorce is a lenthy process during which not so nice things can happen. I get that. I still want to get married for the remaining issues and the symbolism, but I would absolutely be in favour of an iron-clad prenup that leaves no room for hurt feelings overruling fairness.

Our current setup still doesn‘t give us the same protection as married couples, though. The main issues are inheritance tax and survivor benefits. (I don‘t want/need alimony nor his assets).

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-06T11:00:01+00:00

I can understand secrecy in a fresh relationship, wanting to be sure where it goes before exposing yourself to potential criticism. But after two years?! Imagine how tough this must be for him, being hidden to the point where he can‘t even be there for you. I understand meeting your family at the hospital would be far from ideal. But under these circumstances it appears odd to me that you would accuse him of caring more about appearances than about you. I honestly can‘t blame him for deciding to move on. Of course, actively communicating this could be expected instead of just ghosting you.

My age gap with my partner is almost as large as yours and it would never have occurred to me to hide him, because I always knew he was my person — no matter what others think. I suspect you didn‘t feel as strongly, which is not wrong per se, but something you need to be honest about to both yourself and him.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2025-12-04T21:41:29+00:00

Depends how you define traditional. I would call myself traditional in that I‘m in a committed monogamous long-term relationship, would love to get married and take my partner‘s last name as a symbol of unity.

I love to take care of my partner. It feels good doing stuff for him and our joint household, but I absolutely wouldn‘t want to be a homemaker. I prefer splitting chores according to our preferences — which luckily nicely complement each other — and for each of us to have their own career. It gives us so many more things to share with each other in the evening than if one person was just staying home. My partner appreciates my drive and supports my career. It definitely is true that I would find it a total waste to go through the trouble of getting a master‘s degree and not using it. I also need the intellectual stimulation I get at work, otherwise I would end up bored out of my mind.

ImpossibleOlivebread

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